Thoughts are breaking up with someone who has BPD
I recently ended a relationship with someone who has BPD (borderline personality disorder).
At times I miss the version of reality that I hoped for, but with time it's becoming more of a sadness. Not for myself. Not for what it could have been. But for her.
At the same time it feels deeply arrogant to feel sad this way. Who am I judge what's going to happen in her life? Am I hoping for her to struggle? I don't think so. But I do think she will struggle.
She often lied. There were so many lies uncovered over the 7 months that I really started questioning the reality. Who is she? Is anything that she says is truth? I will never know.
Her father cheated on her mom and left when she was very little. I think this is true. After that her life has been chaotic. She was groomed, sexually assaulted and cheated on. She engaged in impulsive behaviors with drugs and sex. Her last relationship before mine was with a man 23 year older.
Her past made me sad. I would be afraid to know more. I wanted to just show her love, care, affection and stability. I showed her a path. BPDs often conform to the person they are with but fundamentally lack an identity. She did everything I asked. Stoped smoking, started going to the gym, ate healthy. A part of me thought she really wants this.
But there were problems. Lies. Avoidance. Screaming. Followed by intense sex. It was like a drug that I got addicted to. I enjoyed the sex, but there was something different about it. I wanted her to know how much I loved her. Because that was her fear. It was intense. But afterwards I wouldn't feel peaceful. Do I really love her? Am I using her? Why does it feel something is missing?
I was really confused. And I knew this will not end well. I started looking for an exit. Then came the next lie. And I called quits.
Not even a week later, she started talking to another guy. But she would come over to my place and we would have sex. Ironically this is how it started as well. She would come over to my place, and we would have sex and then later she would go to her ex. She would say nothing ever happened between them once I was in the picture. But this is messed up. And I only knew this much later.
In the last few months I read a lot about BPD. And pattern matched everything I experienced. I feel sad for her. I really do. I wanted to save her. I wasn't trying to be a hero. But I wanted to save her. May be that was my own insecurity. I was going to feel some self-worth by doing this. But I realized I cannot. And I think, no one can. It feels like a whole life is wasted. I hope she has a good life. I really do.
