u/Forbidden_Peach_

The day is over!

Silent aches on my skin scream their frustration. Once upon a time you had said you would kiss them one by one. Lips would soothe my scars as you would move from one spot to the next. Relief was mine. I waited for that until my waiting got tired... And silent. An absence of care made me constrict and frown. Self time? Perhaps. But my instinct knows better and your words and absences betray you.

The day is over.

Head is overburdened by everything I carry. Everything everyone else has lent me to keep secret and safe for them. I am their vault of trust and help. You said you would let me rest on your chest until every voice would be silenced. Let me find my peace. And be yours. In a hug that would melt the world away. But I learned from past expectations and have no expectations any more.

The day is over...

My shoulders tighten by all small and bigger movements I had to perform once again - you know the ones I speak of. Those that make you write "you are doing great, I am happy to see that". Happy, never proud. God forbid you pay me a compliment. And my shoulders still thirst for your fingers to alleviate pain... Those fingers shall never cross the distance between us though... The threshold is sacred and never budging. My pain is my own. And it no longer concerns you.... No kisses shall decorate them. No breath shall burn me. No lips shall whisper 'mine'. No surprises.

The day... Is over.

No word. No care. No fleeting thought my way. I know, I know. I am aware of the excuses. Have heard them many times. The phone will not chime from you. Neither will my eyes register your existence in my life as more than a strange friend. I was right then, see? No force of nature shall henceforth change the non participation of each other to our inner lives. I will build my walls. Fortify myself. Resign. Simply stop. Because I was right in my original hunch. Not even in your secret obsessions and quiet confessions, not even then does my name cross your lips.

The day is over. And so am I.

Hey friend.

I had some really weird stuff and bad news these past weeks. And it got me thinking. Evaluating. Processing. And coming to conclusions.

During the last few weeks, I have stated what I wanted. More honesty, more expression, something to change. I wanted to send you more music, but you were mostly unavailable. I wanted to share things I wrote with you, but you were not online - at least visibly. I wanted to hear your voice but "I don't really need to" as you stated. I wanted a hug...

I expressed my fear in us developing emotions and the response was joy! ... But the joy was regarding what I would feel. Not the reciprocity of it. That ... Made me feel like a toy. A passtime. A something to fill in gaps.

Is ok. It's honest. And it is what this whole thing started as.

But that no longer vibes with me.

You see ...

I might have more serious issues down the line. Not much time left perhaps. And I cannot really afford spending it with someone that toys with me when and if they feel like it.

Keep your precious time. Keep your slots and bubbles and universes. Keep the idea you had of me being a place holder. Nothing special. But YOU keep it.

I am letting go. No more talks. No more texts. No more initiating anything.

I shall leave just like I came. Suddenly and silently. You won't even notice I am no longer there and accessible until it will be too late.

That, too, is ok.

I am done. Will always... Well, no. No point. You won't hear it and if you do, it will make you laugh. And in the mocking way. So fuck it.

P.

Not that you will ever know. The routine is that I never write these and you never read them.

I had a dream about you.

No, don't let your mind go in the gutter! I can see that sexy half smirk form on your face as the words escape me. Chocolate eyes gleam with such naughty thoughts, even though that can never be us...

Ok I lied. The gutter is but the surface...

It was nighttime. The beach was almost deserted. Close to the sea, I could hear the soft splashing of the water on my naked feet. Cool. Refreshing. The air warm around me. The moon was dominant upon a cloth of black velvet and sparkling diamonds, and she was gorgeous. She made a path onto the calm waves leading directly into my core, it seemed.

What was I wearing? I don't rem - oh, a red summer dress. One of those that tie behind the neck and leave the shoulders out. Long. Light. Barely moving as the breeze was gentle. I could taste the salt with every breath. Crickets were playing their little violins in the distance. My glass was half empty.

You were lounging on one of the huge pillows they had scattered across the sand. Your aura electric. In an open white shirt and black shorts. Empty beer bottles on the wooden table beside you. The sun had been generous and had thoroughly enjoyed kissing your skin - yes, I had been jealous all day.

Your eyes were not on me. You, too, were gazing at the moon. I never pegged you as a romantic, friend. A car pulled up, close enough that we could hear their music but not into our bubble (look, we have a bubble!). You groaned in annoyance. I kinda moved at the rhythm.

Until...

My favourite song (ok, ok, ONE of my favourites, you know me) came up. Ah. Bliss. My eyes closed. My hands rose up like an offering. My hips started swaying. My shoulders followed like well trained soldiers. Every particle of me dissolved into music and I knew.

Your eyes focused as your lips parted and needed hydration. I could sense more than hear, your heart rate speed up (isn't it funny, friend?). I could feel your body call out to mine. Or would that be mine tempting yours? I lost precious seconds, overtaken by music, because I never realised how close you had come.

Not until your hands placed their claim on my waist, pulling me close to you. Not until your eyes searched mine with desire and anger in equal amounts.

- Nobody should be allowed to see that...

- You did...

- Except me...

It made no sense then, friend. As we never were that to each other. But I felt myself shiver at those two words. Smiling. A bit of triumph sprinkled my voice as I got ready to ironically answer yet never got the chance. Because your kiss burnt a path of lava inside me, as if awakening my own boiling depths that have been silenced for so long. The kiss did not claim. No. It renamed. Rebirthed. It coaxed a forest fire and invoked the wildest storm. It remained as the sea droplets suspended in time. It devoured and possessed but also begged on its knees and cried in desperation.

Oh what a kiss that was...

Alas...

It was but a dream...