u/Flying_Hotdog_0727

diclaimer: veryyyyyyy long post ahead & random word vomit with lots of grammatical errors (u'll get bored if u dont like pablo i promise)

MAPA era (2021) here!

My cousin became a fan when they had a guesting in AOS to perform 'What?'. I saw that performance too, and I remember getting surprised when I found out that they're Filipino hahahaha. Back then, I thought most boy groups were Korean. At first, I wasn't interested in them because, to be honest, I really didn't like the song. It's just not my type of music. On the contrary, he liked What? so much that he kept playing it on-repeat with full-blast audio. One day, he started exploring SB19's YT channel, which led him to their vlogs and showbreaks. I always see him laughing while binge-watching their contents and he'll also call me at times to show me random parts of a vlog he's watching whenever the boys get extra chaotic and I always end up giggling with him. But still, I wasn't interested.

Things began to change when I saw them on 24 oras. It was around May 2021 when they featured SB19's newly released single, which is MAPA. Their name rang a bell because I was already familiar with them, but I wasn't really paying attention. Until they played a snippet of SB19's MAPA showcase performance. If I remember correctly, it was the bridge part. The long-haired guy with blonde highlights was the one singing. It wasn't his looks nor his voice that got my attention—it was the way he sang. It felt so raw, so genuine, and so emotional. That's when my curiosity started.

The next day, I searched for their FB page, and coincidentally, the most recent post was a photo of the same guy I noticed on the MAPA showcase. I absent-mindedly clicked the photo and ended up scrolling through the comment section. People called him either "Pinuno" or "Pablo." I can't say I was attracted to him because he's definitely not my type (or so I thought?) Hahahaha. But I must say my curiosity on SB19 started with him. The reason is a mystery to me up until now, and it honestly felt very random if you would ask me.

Those were also the times when I suddenly felt extremely burned-out and overwhelmed from my online classes, and I felt like I needed a breather. The first thing that came to my mind was to do the same thing my cousin has been doing for a while. I started binge-watching SB19's contents from the very first video uploaded on their channel. I didn't intend to become a fan. I just needed something to get my mind off of school because it's already taking a toll on my mental health.

It was too late when I realized that they had already become part of my daily routine. It didn't feel right whenever I failed to watch even a single vlog in a day because of a busy schedule. They were also the reason why I overcame my procastinating habit hahaha. I try to finish as much task as possible so that I'll have more of my time allotted for them.

As I fall deeper into the rabbit hole, I can't shrug off the question that's been bothering me for a while—"Where's Pablo?" I knew their names but I really didn't know who's who because I'm horrible at remembering faces and I really didn't bother to do so because as I said, I didn't intend to be a fan. I just can't help but notice that the only names I often hear are Josh, Stell, Ken, Justin, and Sejun. There are no mentions of Pablo, not even once. I was too lazy to do my research because back then, I wasn't curious about them individually, so I just assumed he's a new member that's why I never heard of him in the old vlogs. 😭

After some time, I started noticing this one member. I knew he had already stood out for me long before I was ready to admit it. Most people notice him for his intimidating aura, but I see him as the silly one. He's very chaotic. He talks a lot when he feels like it, and he's, well... cute. But he wasn't attractive to my eyes back then. During the 2018 vlogs, I noticed that he's the one who rarely talks and interacts with the cam, but whenever he does, I just find myself giving him my full attention. I also remember replaying certain parts of vlogs whenever he's being extra playful. No reason at all. I just feel like doing it, and I don't know why but I can't stop. I witnessed how he gradually changed along the way. He slowly became more open, and that's when I started to understand his personality more. Some people say he's weird, but for me, he's just simply authentic and true to himself. By the way, he said his name is Sejun.

I also found myself watching fancams focused on him. I love it whenever his eyes disappear every time he smiles and that small dimple of him with a unique placement on his left cheek shows up. The way his eyes shine while interacting with the fans isn't something a public figure can fake even with years of media training. He looked so genuine, so sincere. I also stumbled upon his Kumunoy performance, which left me heartbroken with the way he became emotional. I'm aware that by that time, he's slowly carving his way through my heart. But I didn't want to admit it. And I thought I never would.

I was in-denial that I'm slowly gravitating towards him because of one thing I couldn't accept. I have this habit of reading the comment section during or after each vlog. It just made me sad when I realized he's somehow one of the most unappreciated members. I rarely see people talking about him, and it kinda breaks my heart. I don't want to go through the same pain of loving an unappreciated artist once again because it genuinely hurts to see someone not receiving the appreciation you've always believed they truly deserve. I tried to pull away from him. I wanted to convince myself to have Stell or Justin as my bias instead, but as expected, I failed. I still ended up looking for him whenever he's out of the frame. I still tend to just watch him in the background even when someone else is talking in front of the cam. But of course, I ignored that and still went on with pushing him away.

In the end, I still couldn't help it. I tried finding his socials, specifically his IG account, but I failed. I can't make a guess of his username. I already followed the four, but I really can't find his. So I went on SB19 Official's account instead. Then, the account's highlights caught my attention. Each member has their own. Once again, this "Pablo" piqued my interest, so I clicked his first. And what I saw caught me by surprise. I saw Sejun. That was when I did my research and found out they're the same person all along. I find it so dumb of me to take this long to realize that Pablo and Sejun is one person all this time. Still, I pushed him away. I denied my admiration for him for as long as I could.

I continued binge-watching their contents. This time, I'm in the year 2020. Their pandemic era. I finished watching everything, including their solo live streams. One night, I reached "Sejun's Voice Live." It was aired during his birthday. The live started okay. He was singing and interacting with the fans. Until the portion where the staff surprised him by playing audio messages from the other SB19 members. It was very heartwarming. The members have so much love and respect for him, and I believe it says a lot about him. The mood changed when the next audio messages came from his family members. He started crying, and so did I. But he was crying and laughing at the same time, and it was driving me insane hahahaha. He would laugh while he cried, and he'll proceed to greet everyone back with a "happy birthday din." He was so humane, so raw, so vulnerable. There was also this part when he started talking about dreams and life in general. The timing was crazy because I was already on the verge of breaking down that night, anxious about my future and everything else beyond my control. As always, he said the right words at the right time. It was a total rollercoaster of emotions, but that was when I finally gave in. I just accepted my fate because no matter how hard I try, I can't get him off my system, and now I understand why. No more denial. I didn't care if he's unappreciated, or weird, or whatever else anyone would like to call him. All that mattered to me was that he felt like a warm hug, a shoulder to cry on. The only person who never made me feel bad about not being the best. The one who mend parts of me he didn't break.

Since then, I have never tried to pull away from him ever again. I accepted that he really did have my heart since day one and that maybe, just maybe, he's the one I need to help me get through this cruel life. I just felt that way towards him out of nowhere. There's this unexplainable sense of comfort that I've always felt in his presence, and it was exactly what I needed. He was heaven-sent. I've always believed he was a gift God gave me because He knew exactly what I needed.

And that's how I became a hatdog hahaha. Still frozen 'til 2026 and probably 'til the day I cease to exist. I think it's cliche to say that he saved me, but he really did. Life became a lot more bareable when I started to welcome him in my heart with open arms. I truly find it ironic how he was able to save me by trying to save himself as well through his craft.

I used to have a very limited attention span when it comes to public figures. My admiration for someone I don't know personally often vanishes after a month or two, and I thought it would be the same for Pablo, but he proved me wrong. The more I get to know him, the more my admiration for him grew. Bigger and deeper. He wasn't perfect. But it didn't matter because I don't need perfection. In an industry where idols like him are loved for who they not really are and were forced to fit into society's unrealistic expectations, what I craved for was authenticity. He's sometimes moody, he's frank, he laughs with only three syllables, he likes to talk about tae and utot, he twerks in public, he rolls on the floor and hits his co-members whenever he gets too giddy, but I would never wish for him to change. I didn't care even if he did his live streams with his disheveled hair or he appeared in their vlogs unshaven. It didn't bother me when he chose to wear 'tito' outfits during concert sound checks in front of VIP ticket holders instead of flaunting designer wardrobes. All that mattered to me was the way he crawled on the stage to get everyone's merch signed hahahaha.

I once thought that the "selfless leader Pablo" narrative had been too overused just because he's the leader. Until I saw how he loved the people around him. He gives out so much love in this world that most of the time, I was worried there wouldn't be enough love he'll be able to save for himself. He prioritizes his group before himself. He does his best to make others shine to their full potential. He often shies away from the spotlight, always watching from the back. I loved this characteristic of him most of the time, but I still wish he'd give himself a chance to prioritize himself more. He's just a man full of unconditional love. He can't even entertain the mere possibility of SB19 disbanding one day. He always supports his brothers' solo endeavors. He tries to spend time with them even outside of work. Words will never be enough to explain how lucky the people around him are. Maybe those who got to experience John Paulo Nase's love were heroes in their past lives hahaha.

Him being generous with the love he freely gives made him easy to love without him realizing. Maybe he thinks otherwise because he believes he's a very complicated person, but trust me, Pau, not loving you is far more difficult, and I'm the living proof of it. Only heartless people would fail to fall for your soul. God indeed had spent extra time when he sculpted your heart, I guess.

I just also want to add that as a hatdog for five years, I can say that a lot has already changed. He's no longer unappreciated. He's getting one of the loudest cheers whenever he speaks in concert spiels, and merches with his face and name often get sold out first. He is either everyone's bias or bias wrecker. He's now getting the love he deserves. His solo events got so much support. He even released a double album, and now everyone's demanding a solo concert in Araneta! Hahaha. Gone are the days when I was so worried about the possibility of having only few hatdogs to attend their group events to cheer for him. 'Cause now, they're literally everywhere. Pablo fancams have been dominating my feed on every platform every after performances. Fans are going feral over him for even the most random thing he does. This is one of my answered prayers. My 2021 hatdog heart would've been so happy, but I doubt she'll believe me if I tell her how overcrowded the freezer is now haha. I'm glad I witnessed how he gradually earned the hearts of many, and I guess it was way more fulfilling to see it this way because it taught me not to take my fellow Pablo stans for granted.

I'm still in awe with the way I fell for both Pablo and Sejun at the same time but in different ways and intensity without realizing at first that they're one person. This made me think that maybe even if I got to meet him in another era, or even in a different lifetime, I'd still fall for him just as hard (not romantically tho). I may have regretted many of the decisions I made in life, but choosing Pablo is not one of them. And if a parallel universe exists, I'm just so sure that my other self would've chosen to be a hatdog as well. Over and over again.

Yes, there were many times when I was very heartbroken as a hatdog. Especially whenever he was getting attacked by haters inside and outside the fandom. Whenever people fail to see him the way I do. Those times when I felt like it would've been easier for me if I had chosen a different member as my bias.

But if I'd be given another chance to go back in time, I'd still choose him all over again without second thoughts. The only difference is that I never would have tried to push him away for so long.

PS: I'm very sorry for the grammatical errors. I didn't have time to proofread, and this is just a random word vomit because I missed writing appreciation posts for them, esp. Pablo.

photo credits to johnpauloml from X