u/Fluid-Contact-3282

I'm 22 year old girl from a conservative community. In the household, we have traditional gender roles. I suffered from many traumas and severe depression and I feel burnt out as well. My one and only dream was always to leave the house for it is like living hell. Controlling father careless mother and abusive siblings. I am the first born so I am the scapegoat. I had it worst.

I always imagined leaving the house and live on my own. Unfortunately, that can't happen but through marriage. I want to get married yet not as a way out. I am graduating next week and I am afraid. I will be home stuck 24/7. I can't go out or meet with my friends since uni was the only place i go out to and now I got no place. I am working part time online and many on site job oppurtunities were rejected by my father so basically I can't get out to work.

During the past month alone, I got three marriage proposals. All were from local old men who call for traditional gender roles and passive obedient wives. Even my parents forced me to sit with some suiter's sister and mother!

I was in a long distance relationship for 1 yr and half, we were basically just friends considering marriage. Never met in real life and we come from different backgrounds yet I ended things for good since that person was never for me and I belive I accepted him then cuz I needed someone in my life then although I had friends.

I don't know what to do. These ideas are roaming in my head all the time, I can't sleep. I know Allah will figure it out but I am afraid of the unknow future or of me ending up accepting one of these horrible suiters cuz I just can't stay with my family anymore.

I don't wan to live in hell forever. I tried the marriage subreddits and got unserious men just wanting to play and some were not compitable and looking where I come from, many just run away saying they can't take risks (please no one asks where i am from).

I really want to get married for the sake of getting married yet I find no genuine serious man who would be a real suiter, husband friend and partner. I am not looking for escape though. I maybe I am but I don't think marrying any man would be better than the hell I am living in right now.

How do you find your spouses? I personally don't think I will get married to local men who dad would like, they all want same kind of woman where I , on the other side, want a relationship that is based on respect and one like the Prophet PBUH and his wife Khadijah.

I hate where I live traditionally culturally politically economically. It is just making it hard to live and my family especially father is making it worse.

I'm 22 year old girl from a conservative community. In the household, we have traditional gender roles. I suffered from many traumas and severe depression and I feel burnt out as well. My one and only dream was always to leave the house for it is like living hell. Controlling father careless mother and abusive siblings. I am the first born so I am the scapegoat. I had it worst.

I always imagined leaving the house and live on my own. Unfortunately, that can't happen but through marriage. I want to get married yet not as a way out. I am graduating next week and I am afraid. I will be home stuck 24/7. I can't go out or meet with my friends since uni was the only place i go out to and now I got no place. I am working part time online and many on site job oppurtunities were rejected by my father so basically I can't get out to work.

During the past month alone, I got three marriage proposals. All were from local old men who call for traditional gender roles and passive obedient wives. Even my parents forced me to sit with some suiter's sister and mother!

I was in a long distance relationship for 1 yr and half, we were basically just friends considering marriage. Never met in real life and we come from different backgrounds yet I ended things for good since that person was never for me and I belive I accepted him then cuz I needed someone in my life then although I had friends.

I don't know what to do. These ideas are roaming in my head all the time, I can't sleep. I know Allah will figure it out but I am afraid of the unknow future or of me ending up accepting one of these horrible suiters cuz I just can't stay with my family anymore.

I don't wan to live in hell forever. I tried the marriage subreddits and got unserious men just wanting to play and some were not compitable and looking where I come from, many just run away saying they can't take risks (please no one asks where i am from).

I really want to get married for the sake of getting married yet I find no genuine serious man who would be a real suiter, husband friend and partner. I am not looking for escape though. I maybe I am but I don't think marrying any man would be better than the hell I am living in right now.

How do you find your spouses? I personally don't think I will get married to local men who dad would like, they all want same kind of woman where I , on the other side, want a relationship that is based on respect and one like the Prophet PBUH and his wife Khadijah.

I hate where I live traditionally culturally politically economically. It is just making it hard to live and my family especially father is making it worse.

I'm 22 year old girl from a conservative community. In the household, we have traditional gender roles. I suffered from many traumas and severe depression and I feel burnt out as well. My one and only dream was always to leave the house for it is like living hell. Controlling father careless mother and abusive siblings. I am the first born so I am the scapegoat. I had it worst.

I always imagined leaving the house and live on my own. Unfortunately, that can't happen but through marriage. I want to get married yet not as a way out. I am graduating next week and I am afraid. I will be home stuck 24/7. I can't go out or meet with my friends since uni was the only place i go out to and now I got no place. I am working part time online and many on site job oppurtunities were rejected by my father so basically I can't get out to work.

During the past month alone, I got three marriage proposals. All were from local old men who call for traditional gender roles and passive obedient wives. Even my parents forced me to sit with some suiter's sister and mother!

I was in a long distance relationship for 1 yr and half, we were basically just friends considering marriage. Never met in real life and we come from different backgrounds yet I ended things for good since that person was never for me and I belive I accepted him then cuz I needed someone in my life then although I had friends.

I don't know what to do. These ideas are roaming in my head all the time, I can't sleep. I know Allah will figure it out but I am afraid of the unknow future or of me ending up accepting one of these horrible suiters cuz I just can't stay with my family anymore.

I don't wan to live in hell forever. I tried the marriage subreddits and got unserious men just wanting to play and some were not compitable and looking where I come from, many just run away saying they can't take risks (please no one asks where i am from).

I really want to get married for the sake of getting married yet I find no genuine serious man who would be a real suiter, husband friend and partner. I am not looking for escape though. I maybe I am but I don't think marrying any man would be better than the hell I am living in right now.

How do you find your spouses? I personally don't think I will get married to local men who dad would like, they all want same kind of woman where I , on the other side, want a relationship that is based on respect and one like the Prophet PBUH and his wife Khadijah.

I hate where I live traditionally culturally politically economically. It is just making it hard to live and my family especially father is making it worse.

لما نجحت توجيهي ب2022 ولأني ما جبت المعدل اللي أهلي بدهم اياه. أهلي قاطعوني وعملوا عزا وصاروا يحكوا للناس اني راسبة وعماتي تدخلن وصارن يحكين لازمني جيزة.

كل حفلات التكريم رحتهن لحالي ولا حد من أهلي أجى معي

وفي الآخر طبعا أهلي جبروني أدخل تخصص بديش اياه وضلوا يهددوا فيي أكون من أوائل الدفعة ولا بقعدوني بالدار وبجوزوني

أهلي القصد أبوي بس شوي شوي أمي صارت زيه

المهم

مناقشة مشروع تخرجي الأسبوع الجاي

أهلي ما ساندوني باشي خلال الأربع سنين وأصلا كانوا جحيم

عادي يكون عندي حقد من جوا انه ما نفسي يحضروا مناقشتي ولا أشوفهم مبسوطين؟

لأنه أهلي بس بنبسطوا إذا جبنا علامات عالية و"رفعنا" راسهم

خواتي وحدة جابت معدل أعلى مني وأهلي عملولها حفلات وتخرج وراحوا معها ع حفلات التكريم الخ

والثانية جابت أقل مني ونفس الاشي انبسطولها

هسا عشاني من أوائل الدفعة ومعروفة بين دكاترة قسمي وبمجالي الخ

أهلي فجأة صاروا مبسوطين الي وبدهم يحضروا مناقشة مشروع تخرجي

جد من أعماق قلبي فكرة أشوفهم بالمناقشة بتوجعني وبحس حعيط بس ونا أتخيل الاشي

بديش اياهم ينبسطوا

4 سنين عذاب بتخصص بديش اياه وكل مرة أحاول أغيره يحكولي انتي اللي اخترتيه وفش تغيريه

وفرص التوظيف اللي كانت تجيني بمجال مو مجال (بحكم اني بدرس اشي بشغفي) برفضوهن

الشعور عادي؟

Basically, what I want to talk about today is that I would never be enough for my parents. I think part of the reason is because I’m very secretive, but at the same time, I don’t want to share anything with them.

I’ve been sick for a week. Yesterday, I was so sick that I couldn’t do a single thing. Literally, I stayed in bed all day while my mom was trying to give me bitter herbal remedies and things like that so I could get better. Thankfully, today I feel better.

But the problem is that I have so many things to do. I have internship tasks related to transcribing around 400 files. I also need to do the final revisions for my graduation project before submitting it on Sunday. On top of that, I have a final exam on Sunday that I still need to study for because I haven’t revised properly yet. I also have smaller responsibilities, like filling in a trainer registration, applying for jobs because I’m graduating soon, and handling a bunch of other little tasks.

My parents can’t see any of that. They always make us feel like a burden.

Today, while I was taking a shower, they didn’t know I was there. I overheard them talking about us, their children. They were saying that they just wanted someone who would work like a donkey day and night, put food on the table, and serve the family all the time. My father said that if he had that kind of life, it would be the best life ever. The moment they realized I was there, they started whispering.

It made me feel like I would never be enough for them.

I’ve been forced to do so many things in my life. I’ve tried my best. I even wanted to help my mother because she was cooking a dish that takes hours and needs cooperation to prepare. But after hearing what they said, I felt overwhelmed. I’m still sick. I only took a shower because I felt miserable and wanted something to change.

Now that I finally feel a little better, I want to get back to work because I only have today and tomorrow to finish my internship tasks, and I was originally supposed to finish them yesterday.

At the same time, I still have an exam coming up, and I need to revise because I haven’t studied thoroughly. Today, I also received the final feedback from my professor on my graduation project, so I need to apply all the comments, prepare the final draft, print it, and submit it on Sunday.

What hurts is that my parents don’t see any of this. I know part of it is because I don’t talk about everything I’m carrying, but yesterday I literally told my mother that I was sick at the worst possible time because I had too much on my plate and couldn’t afford to stop working. So she already knew I was overwhelmed.

I know my mother works hard all the time. I know my father does too. But can they stop making us feel like burdens? They’ve always done this, and I honestly don’t think they will ever change.

That’s why sometimes I feel sympathy for them because I still want to help them when I can. But at the same time, I’m trying to work on myself and become a better person, maybe even better than the environment I grew up in. Maybe one day I’ll help them too, I don’t know.

That’s also why I need to get a scholarship and leave next year. I genuinely don’t believe I can stay here forever.

And honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for marriage. Maybe I never was. Marriage is a huge responsibility. It means another person telling me what to do, another set of expectations, another family, another social circle, children, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and responsibilities I’m not ready for yet. I’m only 22. I still have dreams I want to chase and aspirations I want to follow.

I feel like I’ve spent most of my life following the path my father wanted for me instead of the one I wanted for myself. Only during the past two years have I started trying things that actually make me happy.

But even then, I feel like I’m not moving fast enough because I’m constantly surrounded by anxiety and stress. I’m studying a major I never wanted and honestly detest from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes it feels like I’m living in a prison, not a home.

So yeah, I think this is what I wanted to say today.

Today, I had picnic with the girlies at uni since we're graduating in 3 weeks and this might be the last time we see each others as uni students.

We did activities, one of them was writing letters. It was too random and chaotic yet I tried to put too much effort in writing the words for each friend, mind you, we are 7.

I tried to give me all to every friend, what I like most about them, a cute moment and wishing the best for them each one in what she is really passionate about.

I couldn't focus while writing yet I tried my best.

I got home to read my letters. I thought I'd be impressed yet I was too disappointed. Maybe 1 or 2 had meaning while others were "Love you, wish you the best, you're the smart ass girl." At that moment, I felt too lonely.

No one put real effort in writing a proper letter. Even one friend with whom I had beef with, she was like "gimme the notebook to get the work done." I was emotional writing the letter to her tho I dislike her for some characteristics.

I feel so damn lonely. I thought I'd get good real friend from uni but I feel some are just pretending to be my friends cuz I am the "smart ass girl."

I had my first bf ever when I was 19, it was LDR and he was everything to me yet I loved him more than he loved me or cared about me so I ended up with the worst heartbreak ever.

Now, it's friends. School friends were the same just friends since I am that nerd girl, Computer, Google or ChatGPT as they all call me.

I can't understand why all people leave and run away when I try to get close and feel safe.

I feel utterly alone in this whole big universe.