u/Fluffy_Milk9843

I was 16 at the time, I don't think it was a sexual assault, but some people seems to think so. I wanted it. I initiated it. Multiple times before it happened. It's my fault.

I know it is horrible. I don't know why, but I just can't help myself. The thought of someone cheating on their partner with me makes me feel weirdly appreciated. It makes me feel special. I know it's wrong. And afterwards, i am feel shame and resentment. I tried to stop. But it always comes back, it's not the first time either. It's like a drug. It started when I was in the high-school and seduced my friend's dad. And when I see an older, good looking guy i just... want him and I want to know i am worth him cheating on his wife. I know I'm a bad person. And I'm sorry. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I'm not really sure how to deal with that. I know it's not ideal, but they always treat me so nice and i feel really appreciated. And they just know what they want and usually don't want a commitment which is great for me.

I wanted to, but I felt... afraid I guess so I went full coward and left the part that really feels awful. But I need to start somehow. I already booked a therapist so this is my sort of practice.

A couple of years ago I was sleeping with my older sister, it's been going on for about year and a half before she left for college. I will go over a few things so I don't have to repeat it again.

I know it was wrong, I agree that it's disgusting. I don't agree with "it was a SA", I was young and stupid, she was too and being 5 years older she should have known better, but I wasn't assaulted, I liked it and wanted to so it. I feel guilty and ashamed of that. But thats something I have to get over at therapy.

The thing that really bothers me is not the past, I can't do anything about it. But that i still think about it now and then. And I know i should be disgusted, but I'm not. And despite being in multiple relationships since then. I still something imagine it.. during. I know it's messed up. And I always hate myself for it afterwards. I definitely want it to stop. And the panic fear of getting caught whenever I get intimate with a girl. It is affecting my life more the older I get.

Last notes, this is my throwaway account, I wouldn't post this on my main, hence the age. I don't really expect any feedback on this i simple wanted to put it to words and share with someone anonymously. Thank you.

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I'm really not proud of it and it messed me up a lot. I have panic fear of being caught doing anything sexual. I was curious and so was she i suppose. We are 5 years apart (I'm younger). It started as a harmless fun, fighting mostly. Then we sort of started exploring and it just stated happening. I'm not going to into details. But it's been going on for about a year and a half until she moved out to college. We never talked about it after. And for some reason the older I get the more it bothers me. I really just want to forget about it. Is haven't gone to therapist, but it's not like I can tell it to someone in person. I know it was fucked up.

Just today I broke it off between me and a guy who was almost 40. I don't understand why, but I make all the wrong decisions when it comes to my partners. I never get attached, but I always end up regretting a lot.

But as soon as I see a good looking 35+ I stop thinking, no matter how he treats me. I know im dunb but I camt help myself