u/FlakySecurity1208

I (27f) have been having a hard time actually admitting that she’s abusive, but my gf (34f) has pushed me past my limits.

For context, my lovely mom (56) took her life last May, 2 days after my birthday and right before mother’s day. Her birthday is also a week before she died. my dad is homophobic and we no longer have any relationship.

I have been in a massive pit of depression and C-PTSD episodes from childhood sexual abuse, past suicide attempts from my mom, then eventually being successful, which i communicated to her over and over again. She has been working 12 hour days on her feet, and had the more ~stable~ job, i work from home and my income is a lot less predictable so she takes on more bills than i do, and she likes to provide for me. she told me she didn’t want me to have to work.

the morning of my moms birthday, she started getting hostile which lead to her yelling and a fight about how she needs help and she can’t live in clutter and a mess and can’t take on all the bills herself. fight resolved and then the very next day, same exact fight. I even spent a lot of the day of my mom’s birthday cleaning up so she could come home to a tidy house.

this fight was bad though. she was trying to communicate to me that she was having a
mental breakdown while screaming at me, but I interpreted it as her yelling at me for not cleaning or providing enough. She told me she needed to go to a mental hospital and I said “have fun”. That wasn’t right, I honestly just felt like I was being manipulated in that moment, and my fight or flight kicked in.

after that things escalated even worse, she told me that “if she kills herself, it’ll be my fault and I’ll have to be the one to tell her mom that”. calling me awful names. i then reacted and started screaming back because, how fucking dare she? THIS WEEK????

She punched herself in the face so hard she had bumps and bruises on her head.

I called some trusted friends and they picked me up, but I ended up back at the apartment with my gf later that night. she had an emergency therapy session while i was out of the house and told me she was going to get help/regular therapy and she’s sorry blah blah blah. she wants to do something for my birthday for me, i don’t know how to talk to her without aggressively people pleasing. still walking on eggshells.

Sitting in this PTSD/depressive episode, i need familiar spaces around me. my mom died a year ago and i can’t be scrambling for housing with a dog while im not well and not prepared financially.

my friends, I feel like are all mad at me for going back, but its not lasting. i just need to survive this very hard storm, and then i can focus on the next one. my best friend was in an abusive relationship for years and keeps comparing and getting upset. i get where she’s coming from, but she still has parents. and brothers. and family. i have my friends, im just so scared. my nervous system is so fried after the past couple of days, and the anticipation of the upcoming days I can’t even think straight about what to do.

So my girlfriend(34f) and i(27f) have been together for about a year and a half. Things started a bit rocky— i was a sugar baby before getting into a relationship with her, and didn’t tell her that a sugar daddy overlapped when her and i started seeing each other. and she holds it against me all the time. I am a lesbian, i did sex work because i had no other option. But that made me lose her trust pretty early on. during fights, she called me names, and once threw my phone into my stomach. that was the only physical incident.

From there, she would go through my phone often while i would sleep. she started becoming overwhelmingly jealous of my friends from theatre (I’m an actress). specifically one of my friends who is trans-masc, because my ex was also trans-masc. and i was told i couldn’t hang out with him. or she would say its fine, i would leave to hang out with my friend, and while i’m there, she starts blowing up my phone, accusing me of cheating, and basically breaks up with me over the phone. it was so embarrassing.

for context, i have been in a severe depressive episode since the suicide of my mom last May. 2 days after my birthday and right before mother’s day. i moved in w her right after my mom died because that’s when my lease was up and i was not okay. My girlfriend works a service job where she’s on her feet 10+ hours a day and i’m a cam girl so my income definitely fluctuates and i’m home alone basically every day. I have brought up the severity of my mental illness many times, (i’m bipolar and medicated + in therapy) expressing that i need help, but i can’t afford for me to go to inpatient.

I try to keep up with cleaning and cooking and all that, but i have lost a lot of weight and can barely take car of myself. so cleaning is extra hard lately, especially since im ADHD so clutter isn’t a huge deal
to me. I do the dishes, clean the laundry (and yes, it doesn’t get folded a lot of the time), clean her cat’s litter boxes, and basically hold it down at home. i’m not perfect but who is?

Now, 2 days ago was my late mom’s birthday. the first one since she died. My birthday is in 5 days and my mother’s death day is right after. She picked a fight with me the morning of my mom’s birthday about how she needs help and she is overwhelmed with the clutter. Then yesterday, same fight. but this time she told me she needed to go to a mental hospital and that she was having a mental breakdown because it’s messy and “i don’t help”. she stated she was burnt out.

Now, i’m used to people using suicide as a form of manipulation so i wasn’t the kindest to her when she expressed that to me. i said “have fun” when she said she was going to a mental hospital. and then she left to go to work. We basically fought over text all yesterday and i told her i was going to sleep on the couch. She wanted to have a conversation though, but since i drew a boundary, saying i didnt want to talk, she came through the door slamming things, screaming, ripping the shower curtain off and then crying/screaming about it til i fixed it. i was calm for a while, but when she told me that it would be all my fault if she kills herself and that i need to be the one to tell her mom that “i didn’t believe her” and then referenced my dead mother. then proceeded to call me horrible names. that was my last straw, i started yelling and lost control of my temper.

I’m going through a lot of trauma from last year, i have a lot of trauma revolving suicide and suicide attempts. I feel bad that i didn’t believe her, but why would she pick now to tell me that she’s suicidal in the most chaotic way. i’ve been suicidal for months. it felt like she was trying to “get on my level”. it felt manipulative. but i do feel bad if that’s how she actually feels. I almost called the crisis team on her last night, but i let her just sleep on the couch and rest after i calmed her down.

I’ve reflected, and last night i ended things. she was panicking about losing me, telling me that “i’m abandoning her when she needs me but she was always there when i needed her”. it did make me feel guilty. I know mental illness has no date or timeline, but right around the time that i’m having PTSD episodes come up from last year and from my moms previous attempt, she tells me she wants to die? it

Yes, i am very trauma bonded to this woman because she was one of the only people there for me when my mom died. but i don’t know how much more i can deal with. Im petrified of what to do because i have a pitbull, i cant just up and leave when i want.

I have no family, my dad is a homophobic, trump supporter and we don’t speak anymore after my mom died and after he called me a dyke and a bitch. My brother is on the streets using fentanyl/meth. My girlfriend has a whole family to fall back on…. i have no clue what to do.