I have really bad intrusive thoughts and I’m ashamed of them. I’m scared my therapist won’t understand and hate me or think I’m weird or drop me. I haven’t been in therapy in maybe 4 years and I even when it was it was always online. Any advice?
I’ve been thinking about the same events from the past over and over from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I’ve been obsessively checking every account I’ve ever made and going through DMs to see if I’ve ever said anything bad. My brain is making up memories that I know aren’t true but I can’t tell anymore. Everyday is hell. I’m experiencing such bad anxiety that I’m constantly shaking and sick. The state I live in has been so difficult to find any form of mental care in. I’m so scared. I want this to be over, I’m so tired.
I’ve seen a few other posts like this on the sub and I can relate painfully. One of the worst fears that came from this disorder is an overwhelming fear of being cancelled. I’ve always wanted to be an artist and I’m afraid that unless I can manage to be completely anonymous my past will come back to me and I’ll be ripped to shreds. It doesn’t help that I spent fundamental years online and definitely probably have said shit I shouldn’t have, being an edge-lord and all. I think it’s also a fear that I’ll face a consequence from anyone I’ve wronged even if that wasn’t my intention. Half of me is like I was a mentally unstable kid on the internet and another half of me wishes desperately that someone- anyone in my life cared enough to take my phone away and get me mental help. I feel stuck and I feel like I’ve already given up on any potential dream of creating something. I wish desperately I could just start over with a completely clean slate but I know that’s not possible.
I feel like the only thing that makes me feel better is being drunk or very inebriated all the time. It’s not even that it makes the thoughts stop it just makes it hurt less I guess. It’s difficult cause I’m not in a situation where I have consistent access to alcohol and sometimes when it gets really bad it’s all I want.
I have severe OCD. It has horrible flare ups that last months where I feel like I don’t deserve to live anymore and then it goes away again. I think some of it may have to do with the horrific trauma I have being on the internet way too young and seeing things I shouldn’t have. I also have real event OCD and it’s been ruining my life. I want to get help but I feel like I don’t deserve it. The only idea that comforts me is maybe I can be reincarnated and have a peaceful second life where I make no mistakes. But I don’t think that can happen, I don’t know. I feel like if people knew they’d think I’m disgusting and hate me forever. I’m scared to even go on social media because everytime someone is exposed for something terrible I get horrific paranoia that I did the same thing (even though I didn’t) or that people would feel the same way about me as they do about those people. I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace and I don’t think I deserve peace. Sometime I think maybe I should put myself in a home to be constantly sedated because that’s the life I deserve.
It’s not the charli xcx song! I don’t know what the genre is and I might have seen it in an edit at some point? All I remember is the part where this lyric is sung is right at the end of a buildup and the song gets big right after it. It’s something like ‘fall… something something and/to fall again’ please help me it’s stuck in my head lol.
I’ve made my fair share of bad decisions already. Being raised basically completely neglected and spending basically every second on the internet during the most developmental years of my life did its damage, I know. Most of my childhood is insanely blurry and it’s starting to make me paranoid that maybe the reason it’s all so blurry is because either, something really bad happened to me or, I did something really bad to someone else. I’ve been spiraling and I can’t tell what’s real anymore. I don’t want to move or go outside and I feel like I don’t deserve to exist. I’ve been trying to find a therapist and I’m just reaching dead end after dead end and even then I’m scared I’ll tell them what’s happening and they’ll call me disgusting or confirm all my fears. I don’t know what to do.