u/Fit_Record8688

I find myself wanting to indulge in certain areas like shopping, but then I think to myself “Why would I buy an outfit when I’m so depressed? I don’t deserve this pleasure, and I won’t go anywhere to wear it out anyways” so I never end up buying the clothing. I wait for everything to make sense, and I wait for everything to line up, and it never does. There’s this crippling thing where I can’t start things or do things if I am in a bad place, so I can’t take the little steps to feel better. A endless loop of “maybe one day” or “when the timing is right”

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. We moved in together after year 2. Before I met him, I had hobbies that filled my time, a unique sense of style, and a lot of confidence. I don’t blame the loss of these traits on my bf, but I’ve recognized that this change happened over time when we met. I’m in a huge depressive state because I feel like i’m living in a timeline that I was never suppose to enter. I know i’m young, but I feel like I was suppose to have a brighter, more exciting future. Now I feel like this is what life will be with us. Finishing work at our 9-5s, coming home to eat, laying in bed together, and repeating all over again. I miss the me who was able to present myself to the world and to be able to have clear concise thoughts. My bf is incredibly kind and loving, but he doesn’t put much care into showing that he thinks of me often. He never really goes out of his way to make any part of my life easier, and somehow always finds a way to make an excuse for his lack of care. We’ve had plans to be married in the future, but now I don’t know what to do next. I want to make girlfriends, I want to live alone and decorate my house how I please, I want to be able to try new styles without worrying if my boyfriend likes it or not. Making the change to be without him seems so scary. Not sure how I should go about this.