I'm 16 now and almost completely cut him out of my life. He's honestly never been the default parent, my mum has always been the favourite.
When I was 1-5 years old i had a really good relationship with my dad. He went to my school plays and attended many parents evenings and always took me to the park on weekends when my mum was working.
However, since then, he's not been very involved in my life. I'm in year 11 this year, and I can't even remember when the last time he asked me about school or we had a full conversation. I usually only say about 20 words to him a day, and when I do the conversation feels awkward like you're talking to a stranger in the elevator because the silence is awkward. I put all this down to my dad's heavy drinking.
His constant need to go to the pub every day caused him to miss important events in my life. He didn't think showing up to my school plays or awards assemblies were important, but I would always look for him in the crowd just to be utterly disappointed. Every. Single. Time.
In the past, he's fkd up majorly. Him and my brother had many physical altercations over something as simple as my brother shaving his head. There's been a time where me, mum and my brother had to stay in a hotel room for the night because my dad brought a k/././.fe out with him as my mum was out late, this was on mothers day when she was spending time with her children. This was after his worst drinking episode, he almost had to get his stomach pumped.
The next day everyone seemed to forgive my dad and things went back to normal. My dad promised he would cut down his drinking which he kept to this promise for a few months before going back to drinking 6-9 pints a day again.
However, I never forgave my dad. I can't just move on from him endangering not only my mum and my sibling but also everyone in that pub that night. In the past couple years I've tried to fix my relationship with him which only resulted in ending up more hurt. This left me thinking that I'll never be able to repair that relationship I once had and honestly I've given up and dont even really care about him at all anymore.
I've thought "f it, if he really cared about his daughter he would try to repair it himself" but at the same time I understand how hard addictions are and feeling like you're dependant on them. I've seen alcohol affect my whole family and drugs affecting my brother. I understand addiction more than most people but at the same time I feel helpless. I can't help him if he isn't willing to help himself. It makes me feel like an asshole sometimes. I know he cares about me but he makes it difficult to think that. I try to be mature and sort it but every time left me sitting on the kitchen floor ranting to my drunken mum whilst covering my hatred and conflicting emotions towards my dad. I just want to know what it's like to be loved by my dad instead of watching a dad and his kids in public with envy, but I also feel like ignoring him forever sometimes.
(Massive TW for this next part - mentions SA)
I also have the constant question of "has he SA'd me or not?". We were on holiday and my dad was heavily drunk. I had gone to sleep one of the hotel sofas that night and when I woke up my dad was behind me asleep on the sofa fully naked. He used the excuse of "I was drunk. I thought it was your mum" I was 11. There was multiple barriers such as the kitchen another sofa and a coffee table he wouldn't had to go around before getting to the sofa. My mum was in the room right next to the bathroom from where he apparently travelled from. Is it too late to try to fix the relationship?