AITA for not wanting to maintain this anymore?
I have a longtime friend. We met in college, were extremely close for years, and even got matching tattoos.
A while ago, my boyfriend and I decided to move in together, but we had very little money and bad credit. I ended up borrowing one of my friend’s credit cards to help us furnish the apartment and cover expenses. I admit things got out of control, I accumulated a lot of debt and kept needing more credit.
Even so, our friendship stayed good for a long time. I always paid him something every month, sometimes half, sometimes the full amount. When I paid half, the remaining balance was carried over to the next invoice, which I then paid in full. In the end, he did not suffer any financial loss. Eventually, though, he decided he didn’t want to lend me money anymore. I completely respected that because I always knew he was helping me out of kindness and didn’t owe me anything.
We calculated the total debt and made a one year payment plan. I paid every installment in full until everything was settled. During that period, however, he told me he needed distance from me. I respected that too.
After some time, I tried reaching out just to talk normally, nothing related to money, but he said he still didn’t want contact. At the same time, he asked me to update my Twitter every day with my mood so he could know I was okay without having to message me directly. I found that strange, but I still respected it.
Over the following months, I tried reconnecting a few times and was always pushed away. Then one day he posted in a group chat about some good news in his life. I congratulated him and asked for details. He sent a voice message, but I never listened to it. He already knew I’m terrible at replying on WhatsApp, and throughout our friendship we usually talked in person instead of messaging constantly. This was an arrangement between us long before the financial issue. I don’t really use WhatsApp, so we would always meet in person to talk
Later, I visited a place we used to go together and sent him a picture saying I missed him. He replied asking what my goal was with that message, saying that if I really missed him I wouldn’t have ignored the voice message he sent earlier. That upset me a lot, and I replied: “Fine, I’m a monster, sorry for bothering you.” After that, we stopped talking completely.
Months later, on his birthday, he added me to a group chat for his party. Since we hadn’t spoken in a long time, I privately asked if he actually wanted me there. He said yes, but without much enthusiasm. I ended up not going because I felt like I would just be ignored the entire time.
Am I the asshole for feeling hurt by this situation? I respected every request for distance, paid everything I owed, and tried reconnecting only occasionally. What bothers me is feeling like I was kept in limbo, pushed away whenever I tried to talk, but expected to still be emotionally available whenever he decided he wanted me around again. A friendship goes both ways, and if he had simply told me he never wanted contact again, I would have understood and respected it.
Just for the record: I had posted this in another subreddit, and based on some of the responses I felt my text was confusing, and the character limit didn’t help. Previously raised points:
- “You had nothing to lose, so you did it”: I actually had a lot to lose, and in the end I did lose something — the friendship, which was always my priority.
- “If you didn’t have money, you shouldn’t have moved”: I agree. What happened was that my boyfriend lived in another city and worked remotely, but his company decided to return to an in-person model, so he had no choice but to move here. So we combined what was useful with what was pleasant.
- “It seems like he still cared about you after all of this”: All of this happened when there were still about 8 installments left to be paid, but I would just transfer the money and he would confirm receipt.
- “You only paid half and made him cover the rest out of pocket”: That’s not correct. It’s true that sometimes, due to lack of money, I could only pay half of the bill, but the remaining amount was always carried over to the next invoice, which was then paid in full. Also, that happened before we consolidated everything into a fixed monthly amount; after that, I paid everything on time.
- “I don’t feel guilty”: Of course I do. If I could go back in time, I would have done things differently, but life unfortunately isn’t a movie, we have to move forward.
- The controversial audio: It’s not that I didn’t listen because I didn’t want to. When he sent it, I did press play, but the audio was in English. He always said he expressed himself better that way, even though he knew I’m not fluent and need time and attention to understand English properly. I ended up leaving it for later and forgot about it.