u/Few-Feature-3684

Long post ahead:

I am trying to get some outside perspective on my life choices, because I've always been rather isolated, without someone to truly share things without fear of judgment or of the info spreading to my whole family.

I met my husband while on a family vacation when I was 18 and I ended up leaving home and took a bus several states away to where he was. We had a courthouse marriage 6 months after first meeting him, and thus far have been married for 8 years. He was very supportive of me, and helped continue my education in the career of my choice, of course I was reliant on him for everything since I didn’t have savings or a job yet, nor any real stability. About 4 months later I got my first job, and it eventually led to more responsibilities and pay as the years went on, and now my salary is very comfortable where I can easily save, travel, and invest without having to think or consider too much about it. I have worked very hard to get where I am, starting from literal pennies, and I appreciate every aspect of it and all the support my husband has given me. I have never denied that.

I don't know how relevant our large age gap is, he is 64M and I am 26F. Perhaps it could contribute to me growing and changing through my 20's when he stopped changing as a person decades ago, and he has a hard time accepting that. All this time it has never bothered me personally, never felt embarrassed about that or anything, and I was very attracted to how he looks and in my eyes is handsome. I still catch myself admiring him in a way, not with a desire to be with him intimately anymore, but more like in a detached way if that makes sense. Which is a whole other topic of conflict, and a very major one. After we got married I realized that I have a very strong and high drive and wanted him a lot. Later learning that physical touch is actually my love language. I didn’t necessarily want only intercourse, but stuff like making out, touches, cuddles, and overall affection, but he is more or less the complete opposite. Never cared or showed interest in getting to truly know me and learn what I like. The act would last a few minutes and that was it for him, only his satisfaction seemed to matter. This whole time we’ve been married he’s assisted in my climax 3 times. It's a real frustration point because not only have I been pushed away and rejected more times than I can count, but he cannot or will not talk with me about the topic of intimacy. Even during or immediately after the deed, there's no communication much less any sort of dirty talk. I don't know how many times I have cried after, being so excited and turned on only to have that abrupt end with no satisfaction for me as well, and not even another kiss or cuddle. I’ve tried to talk to him about it of course, but he acts so awkwardly or becomes very defensive that it's just impossible. He’ll say stuff like marriage isn’t all about carnal desires, and people have made it unrealistic etc. but I’m not even asking or suggesting anything crazy or taboo, I just want to feel wanted and desired. He really downplays my grievance on that topic, and well on all my other ones too I suppose. I would be really interested in doing those card games or challenges that one can buy, and I actually do have a deck of cards with naughty games you can do with your partner but I haven’t ever used them because I’m too nervous to even try to bring it up with him since I can’t ever use a proper or slang word for a body part without making him uncomfortable. He doesn't like me walking around naked or seeing any lingerie on me either. Every time we have had physical intimacy he insists that the lights be off and it’s almost or completely dark in the room. So after years of that, feeling ugly and unattractive I no longer have the desire to try, or be with him anymore. I recoil inside just by his simple touches now, even if he kisses me on the cheek, or holds my hand I have a strong dislike towards that. Which is so odd and internally conflicting since I used to crave and love his every touch, and couldn’t get enough of him. I know I’m not ugly, I am fit and healthy but even so, the way he averts his eyes with my nakedness makes me feel that way regardless. And that alone if I discount everything else that is wrong with this marriage, I don't know how I can come back from feeling that repulsiveness? Is that even possible?

For a long time now I have felt just drained in the relationship. Every time there is a disagreement he will dominate the conversation and often turns into hours-long monologues. Whatever response I have is usually unheard, interrupted, corrected, or turned around backwards somehow. I am constantly put on the defensive, and it's exhausting I shut down very quickly now and rarely cry anymore. It feels like I am more or less a sounding board for his complaints and issues he has with me. If I bring up something that bothers me, it is minimized or explained away often times in anger. Sometimes he will make it seem like it's a safe space being all soft, concerned, and supportive so that I'll say what is truly bothering me, and I might receive some sympathy in the moment but then the next argument down the road he will use that against me, making it completely pointless to attempt to express myself.

Somewhat of a side note, albeit an important one. I have never wanted children since I was a pre-teen. Just lacked the desire altogether, and he knew that going into marriage. Since he already had a child it was something that we both agreed on and was ok with from the start. He has hinted since a few times throughout the years that he would like to have a child. But I can’t imagine having one much less raising one with him. And unfortunately the last year or two I have softened my feelings towards a child of my own. Maybe getting older has changed my feelings a bit, or being in a good place financially I don't know. Regardless, I still wouldn’t have one with him, I couldn’t. And I think that is the only subject where his age would be a real problem if I actually decided to go through with it. But anyway, I would be and still am perfectly fine with not having children. 

During arguments or idk what you'd even call them, fights? Disagreements? or me just being a verbal punching bag? But he will bring up old issues from years ago and reuse them again and again where nothing is ever resolved, just recycled over and over. And a funny thing is an argument can start with something very small and completely unrelated to the past, but will snowball into a massive upheaval of the past. Many times I am left wondering how this got here because what should have been a 5-minute disagreement will turn into hours of listening to him rant and can even roll over into the next day. There have been a handful of times where he escalated to the point I felt my fight or flight response activated, and that is not a good feeling at all. He has blocked the hallway and then blocked and locked the front door one time during a rant when I tried to leave the tense situation to get some fresh air so we both could cool down. I ended up going out the back door since he had refused to move after I asked several times. Then 2 other times he was yelling so loud and forcefully that I felt his saliva on my face. Another bad incident a few months ago he was being so aggressive, cornering me in the bathroom and wouldn’t let me leave nor would he leave after my multiple demands to do so that I pushed him away from me since he was so far into my personal space I wasn’t sure if he’d actually hit me that time or not, then I threatened to call the cops if he didn’t leave. Only after that did he back off. That was the one and only time it's happened, but it was one time too many. He has not become that mad since, but I feel like it's still a matter of time. I hate feeling vulnerable like that, and I‘m sure it's affected me deep down more than I‘d admit.

I am not sure if he is even aware of this thing he does, I will be talking about something, anything and he frequently redirects the subject back to himself or something he experienced in his past. I can't even finish my sentence and it's now about him. It can be just a relaxed casual conversation, but I feel like I have to compete for space and he isn't truly listening to me. For example just today we were going into town for dinner and I was telling him about a certificate I was considering to get that would require travel, classroom, and an overnight stay but somehow he found something related to that topic about a past thing in his life. I just stopped sharing about it, and never got to the cost of the course or logistics.

Guilt is used heavily. If I talk about my feelings, things that are an issue to me, state that I am unhappy, and now 2 weeks ago is when I said I wanted a divorce; he will counter with vows we made, loyalty, how much he has sacraficed and done for me, his devastation, what family would think, what God would think, and how much I am destroying everything, bringing religion into a lot more areas etc. Which of course I can't disagree with many of the things he points out. I would be breaking vows, I would be a disappointment to my family and to God. I guess my problem with that is the downplay of my unhappiness, and treating it like it's not relevant. Now that I have stated my desire to no longer be married to him he wants to change, go to counseling, and make it work. But I am quite skeptical since previous apologies and promises weren't upheld. Recently he has been super nice, taking me shopping, out to eat, taking to initiative to go to church, going for a hike, and overall just being easier to live with. However, even if I put aside my skepticism, I am still very much emotionally checked out. Just because we can coexist in the same space without any direct conflict doesn't eliminate the deeper incompatibilities. When he is out on the very seldom errands or a once in a blue moon trip, I feel calmer, more at ease and that is really hard to ignore.

It may seem like a lot of complaints I have, but not everything is all bad. He takes really good care of the animals we have, maintains the house and yard, does all the dishes, makes my coffee every morning before I head to work, he greets me every time I come home or leave, always answers my text messages and phone calls, he will drop everything if I am in trouble or need something, he has supported me in all my career advances and the moving around the country, he doesn’t control my finances, purchases, or conversations I have with people. I have gone on countless family or work trips alone with no issues. So yeah, I do recognize the good things he does which makes me feel like a jerk for wanting to end the relationship for sure.

I really don't think that he is a bad person or intentionally trying to hurt me, and I certainly don't hate him like he says I do. I believe he feels genuinely scared and desperate with the thought of me leaving him, and it does make me feel really bad. It's truly an internal conflict I have had for many years between the guilt of leaving him and being numb, tired, and unheard.

At this point, I don't know if I am being unfair to him and our marriage by wanting out, or having finally reached the point of no return or repair. Is this something that we could work through with counseling, especially considering that I already feel done? Or is that feeling of done the answer in and of itself? Of course, we‘d both have to be ready and willing to take accountability and open to a deep dive into the issues. Any advice or criticism you all have I am open to.