u/Feisty_Revolution975

Currently, I am working full time while my wife works 2 days a week and focuses on managing the house and our child the other 3 during the workday. The rest of the time (weekends and after work hours) should ideally be split evenly between the two of us (with some give and take depending on what we each have going on at the time). I believe this is a fair setup, and I believe we should equally share the mental load. However, it is not really how things are going. It is completely on me, I am just looking for advice.

I have a chronic illness that is managed for the most part but about 8 months ago I started a really bad flare up. Unable to take a break from work/home responsibilities at first, I reached the worst burnout I have ever experienced and my energy and cognitive functioning absolutely tanked. My wife was super supportive and wanted me to focus on getting better but it hasn't really happened. I am just gradually getting used to this being my new normal. The problem is my memory is horrible right now, I constantly make stupid at times unsafe choices because I am just flat out not thinking. This has led to a lot more of the mental load and household responsibilities on her. Even when I am able to force myself to suck it up and get stuff done, she cant relax because she is worried about how I might mess it up. I am trying to figure out good systems like writing notes and setting reminders, but there are so many things that wouldn't be captured in that. Like forgetting to turn off the stove or putting things "away" in weird places. My performance at work is definitely suffering too which is concerning, but I am also using so much of my limited cognitive abilities there because my job is our main source of income. In addition to my forgetfulness I just feel like I have just not been very thoughtful, which is not the kind of person I want to be.

Usually after a hard conversation about how overwhelmed and neglected she is feeling, I am able to push myself hard for a little while until I crash again and fall back into bad habits. Which again falls into that trope of the shitty husband who fixes his behavior to get his wife to stay and then goes back to being shitty once he feels she is going to stay. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS PERSON.

I just do not know what to do. I am so tired and burnt out and I can't even imagine how she is feeling. Every time I miss an opportunity to make her feel loved and seen or have a break I am so mad at myself.

Does anyone have any solid advice to get myself out of this pattern? Comments of "just suck it up and be a better partner" wont be helpful, obviously that is the solution but I am looking for advice to make it last.

Also, my wording isn't meant to be anti-men or anti-husbands, I am just referring to trope that only applies to some husbands (and apparently me).

Currently, I am working full time while my wife works 2 days a week and focuses on managing the house and our child the other 3 during the workday. The rest of the time (weekends and after work hours) should ideally be split evenly between the two of us (with some give and take depending on what we each have going on at the time). I believe this is a fair setup, and I believe we should equally share the mental load. However, it is not really how things are going. It is completely on me, I am just looking for advice.

I have a chronic illness that is managed for the most part but about 8 months ago I started a really bad flare up. Unable to take a break from work/home responsibilities at first, I reached the worst burnout I have ever experienced and my energy and cognitive functioning absolutely tanked. My wife was super supportive and wanted me to focus on getting better but it hasn't really happened. I am just gradually getting used to this being my new normal. The problem is my memory is horrible right now, I constantly make stupid at times unsafe choices because I am just flat out not thinking. This has led to a lot more of the mental load and household responsibilities on her. Even when I am able to force myself to suck it up and get stuff done, she cant relax because she is worried about how I might mess it up. I am trying to figure out good systems like writing notes and setting reminders, but there are so many things that wouldn't be captured in that. Like forgetting to turn off the stove or putting things "away" in weird places. My performance at work is definitely suffering too which is concerning, but I am also using so much of my limited cognitive abilities there because my job is our main source of income. In addition to my forgetfulness I just feel like I have just not been very thoughtful, which is not the kind of person I want to be.

Usually after a hard conversation about how overwhelmed and neglected she is feeling, I am able to push myself hard for a little while until I crash again and fall back into bad habits. Which again falls into that trope of the shitty husband who fixes his behavior to get his wife to stay and then goes back to being shitty once he feels she is going to stay. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS PERSON.

I just do not know what to do. I am so tired and burnt out and I can't even imagine how she is feeling. Every time I miss an opportunity to make her feel loved and seen or have a break I am so mad at myself.

Does anyone have any solid advice to get myself out of this pattern? Comments of "just suck it up and be a better partner" wont be helpful, obviously that is the solution but I am looking for advice to make it last.

Also, my wording isn't meant to be anti-men or anti-husbands, I am just referring to trope that only applies to some husbands (and apparently me).