u/Feelingalotofthings

so I moved on from the hurt/betrayal I guess there’s only some lingering pain left but caaaantttt move on from them even if it wasn’t mutual or was my brain doesn’t care …..

everytime I think I moved on I get random heartaches and a wave of sadness and missing this person.

i loved them so much that i was mentally worshipping them and letting them live like a ghost in my mind for like 3/4 years something and it was the first time in my life I ever had any feelings

and the thing is he was completely the wrkngperson. if I could just control who I was in love with I would have chosen my potential partner or one of the guys who proposed to my father …. I can’t . I still think about a ghost of a guy who lives 24/7 in my head.

the funny about all this is that I never had a relationship with them it was interaction> betrayal ….

TDLR late twnties girl still grieving over a guy who didn’t give a care about me , who’s unachieveable, unavailable , father , whilst the pwoole who propose are getting married I’m stuck on “my feelings“ .

Salam,

When I was younger, I developed very deep feelings for a man and remained emotionally attached to him for several years. I was young and unfortunately became deeply affected by love in a way I never expected. I never imagined that only three short interactions over the span of four years could make me become so emotionally attached and infatuated with someone. He was the first person I had feelings for, and for years I thought about him constantly. I grew up relatively sheltered with limited contact with opposite gender.

Over time, the situation became very painful. He hurt my feelings, and the experience affected me so severely that I had to seek psychiatric help, start medication, and nearly drop out of my studies. I spent months crying and struggling emotionally. I also learned things about his past and personal life that made me feel both sympathy for him and concern about the issues he carried. Eventually, I realized he was not fully transparent and that a relationship with him would not feel healthy, practical, or even elevate my imaan in the way a marriage should. I also reevaluated my values and realized i want someone even closer to Allah.

Although I have forgiven him, I still think about him often and continue to feel lingering attachment/ attraction toward him. I also grieve the fact that I spent so many years emotionally invested in the wrong person. I was not even certain if he would like me back, which amplified the feelings of anxiety.

Around the same period, another man approached my father regarding marriage. From everything I know, he seems like a genuinely good Muslim and a good person overall. However, I do not feel the same emotional “pull” toward him that I once felt toward the previous man. Even before the first situation became toxic, I remember feeling emotionally connected/attached, feminine, and naturally able to picture a future with him. With this new person, I do not feel repulsed or dislike him, but I also do not feel strong attraction/ emotional curiosity even. It feels like disinterest on my part even though he is good on paper.

At this point, I honestly feel emotionally damaged by the entire experience. It feels as though I have lost my general ability to feel deeply or connect emotionally in the same way. Part of me worries that after spending so many years emotionally attached to one person, I may no longer know how to form a genuine connection with someone else. I also worry that I wasted important years of my life on the wrong person and that this may be my last real chance to build a meaningful connection and marriage.

I understand that healthy love is often stable, calm, boring and not driven by anxiety. I know that intense feelings are not always a sign of something good or sustainable. However, I still question whether it is fair to pursue something with a good person while I still think about the previous man.

I want to ask whether this is normal after experiencing heartbreak and emotional attachment, and whether feelings like attraction and connection can grow over time in a healthier relationship. I have been told that i can not expect it to grow after marriage. I also worry that i will be carrying thoughts of the previous person into a new relationship.

PS Got help from chatgtp to structure my text. Ill reply in my own words.

*TLDR* i became emotionally attached/infatuated/limirent to an emotionally unavailable man with a child when i was a young woman and this lasted for years until late twenties and he ended up hurting my feelings severely. I still have lingering feelings without contact. New man wanted to ask for my hand since around the same period previous man entered my life again. Feel a strong need to get married rn but not interested in new man in the same way like previous before toxicity and still thinking about him despite months having passed.