There is a mindset that has become increasingly common among men of this generation, and they do not realize how harmful it really is. It all begins with a question: “What would a good woman think of me?” It may seem innocent at first, but it’s important to emphasize that this thought already starts from a flawed assumption. Contrary to what it may appear, it does not seek recognition, but reward.
A person becomes accustomed to thinking that the world somehow owes them a reward for their goodness. Every intention to perform a good deed comes with the expectation that “someday” others will recognize what a great person he is. It’s not hard to see where this leads.
But there is another element to emphasize: the image this person creates in his mind of an “ideal woman.” At first, it may seem that the man who thinks this way simply has standards and is trying to become the kind of man necessary for a successful relationship. But this is false in two ways.
First, because this idea actually distances him from the women he knows, whom he judges as not yet being “the one.” This leads to a lack of real relationship experience and conceals the fact that, fundamentally, experience is what matters most. What is essential is learning to deal with emotions and with other people, not fulfilling an arbitrary checklist of traits that make up an “ideal man.”
The second way in which this is false is the following: he externalizes his value. By tying his self-esteem to what such an ideal woman would think of him, he becomes capable of feeling good about himself only through that approval. He needs to do and possess things that prove to himself that he is good enough. And, above all, he expects that someone will recognize this in the future.
This is the complete formula of a “nice guy.” He becomes accustomed to being punished for his kindness, yet his low self-esteem leads him to continue being a “good person” in the hope that one day he will be rewarded for it. If he believes he has finally found the ideal woman and she still does not appreciate his kindness, he will take it as a betrayal and an injustice.
It is here that this way of thinking reveals its most dangerous element, and it truly is dangerous. A man like this may believe he is an ally of women because he is excessively kind to them in hopes of being appreciated back, but what this actually reveals is the opposite. He is unable to deal with the fact that no one is more qualified to judge him than himself, and that there is no woman who will free him from the insecurity he feels within.
Personally, I believe that many men today, especially those who did not have a present father, have developed a personality heavily dependent on maternal approval. This creates a pattern of thought that makes them extremely sensitive to women’s opinions of them. They have not developed a healthy level of detachment from others’ opinions, nor have they fully understood that women are just as imperfect as everyone else.
I wanted to write this text to provoke reflection, because identifying this mindset early can be an important part of overcoming it. Self-esteem and self-confidence are more important than they may initially seem.