Nightmares are the worst part at this point. Sometimes they're center stage, sometimes they are just a figure lurking in the corner the whole time. Regardless I always wake up extra tired and upset, sometimes crying. It sucks. I haven't even seen them for a year, and I moved + deleted socials + blocked them + started therapy + confided in my friends. IDK what to do anymore. Last night was bad
It's instantaneous.
I received a comment on another post I made rightfully reminding me that I am an addict. My initial, internal response to that comment was "I'm not an addict! I don't actually miss her, or think we had a healthy relationship! I just think about her all the time and fantasize about what the confrontation would look like if I ever saw her again etc. etc."
I thought about that thought again and was like, well, that's quite defensive and reveals a dependency not on her and her actions, but on my own patterns of thought. Since reliving the bad times over and over again is the closest I can get to another "hit," I keep doing it.
I've struggled with alcohol addiction, partly as a result of this. I'm sober now. For me, it was easier to quit drinking than to quit thinking. Why? Thinking is instantaneous. It is seamless. There are zero barriers whatsoever between me and neuron activation. I can't stop thinking about her, and that is the problem. There is quite literally zero chance I will ever see her again, but my brain cannot stop running in circles. I don't have to go to the store to buy beer, or hide my drinking from the people I live with, or alter my lifestyle in any way to continue functioning seamlessly from the outside. There is nothing stopping me from doing this to myself, except for myself.
While the ending of that paragraph looks pretty bleak, I'm hoping this realization is a good sign, and I plan on going over it with my therapist.
Once again to you all, you are not alone. You did not deserve whatever happened to you. You are loved!
Long time lurker, first time poster, how do you do?
Misgendering discussion, dysphoria discussion, public bathroom conundrums, etc etc.
I'm a closeted and questioning guy. I was going to start T, but I had to move in with my parents after finishing college. I moved from a very stereotypically queer friendly place to somewhere that isn't so much... I dress very masc and identify publicly as butch, I use my assigned name (very popular female name) and have not taken any steps whatsoever to medically or socially transition (beyond very masc haircut and clothes) because I am terrified. But that's a story for another day. Background over.
Men call me sir, dude, etc. When I leave the women's bathroom or locker room, they try to enter after me, and I either have to correct them or they figure it out and give me major side eye. It got so embarrassing that I started changing in my work office before going to the gym just to prevent this. I am worried about instigating anger or shame of any kinds.
Women on the other hand seem to see me as a woman. They call me "lady," no bathroom doubletakes, etc.
So my question is why do men ID me as a man and women as a woman? Am I just androgynous to the point of automatic identification with "the herd?" Has anyone else experienced this? It makes me feel good and also like shit at the same time. The bathroom situation is also stressing me out. Nothing actually bad has happened yet, but Help!
I guess I had it figured out for a while since she stopped talking to me, but just had it actually confirmed. Now I don't know what to do it feels like it's happening all over again. I ruined my life based on those breadcrumbs and I can't stop feeling guilty. Plus I feel bad for the dude knowing she was talking to me like that at that time. I thought I was getting better but man it will just never stop hurting. The good news is that I finally opened up to my friends (who then told me about this, I understand why tbh it helped me further comprehend just how poorly I was being treated).