I am a completely useless human being.
This is the hardest part of my life. I'm basically just existing, and at any moment, I might end everything. I have a gun here.
That gun was mine two years ago. I used it during my first attempt, but it failed. I didn't know how to use a gun back then. I didn't even know it had a safety mode. (The safety mode was on)
I got rid of it after that. But now it's back. I spent the last of my money buying it again from the same buyer. I only have ₱20 left on me, and honestly, that's okay.
I love writing. I have dozens of short stories saved in my notes. But unfortunately, I have no one to share them with. Maybe they're too deep for people to understand; or maybe nobody is interested. Whatever the reason is, I guess none of it matters anymore.
I don't have a job. It's been three years now since I started noticing something in me that wasn't right.
I began questioning everything around me. I tried controlling things I was never supposed to control. I started seeing the world differently; feeling everyone's pain just from the look in their eyes.
I'm completely on my own, and I'm tired of it.
I grew up with an abusive father. Not toward me, but toward my mother.
That led to separation. The separation forced me to grow up too quickly. Growing up too quickly turned into self-hatred; and that self-hatred slowly became the feeling of never knowing what it means to be loved or cared for.
Yes, I still have family. People will probably say I still have someone to lean on, but the truth is the opposite.
They're cold. They're only there when you have something to give.
Friends stay when you have money. Strangers only want your attention to fill their own loneliness.
I don't even know what I want anymore.