I feel so selfish and I feel wrong about myself
Lately I been feeling like I am not the selfless person that I always identify myself with. And I am all just so confused if am I tired/burnout or am I just being a bitch again.
It was maybe 4-5 years ago when my aunt died from cancer. I didn't cried at the funeral. I saw everyone around me crying and mourning while I was just staring. Now my grandma has cancer and couple of months back she experience some kind of seizure and was drive to the hospital. My mom woke me up after my grandma and my uncle left. I felt sad of course, and I saw my mom crying as well. But for some reason I wasn't crying at all yeah I feel mourned I felt my heart was heavy and all but I wasn't crying. When I did cry though it didn't felt like I was truly crying for my grandma, it felt like I forced my body to cry because all was at my head are "why are you not crying?".
Sad thing is I always identify myself as a selfless young man. Not because I am trying to cope or anything but because I write or make stories. And always been about these stories is always been about helping others to feel they belong somewhere. Basically I watched a show called Naruto and one scene when the main character said "don't give up" it changes something on me. I feel so seen for the first time ever like man you never seen me that addicted I always Naruto run through hallways, I always try to cosplay as Naruto it was very great. That was the time when I started to make stories to have a dream to one day inspired someone who also feels alone and also in needs to be told to him that he matters. For the longest time writing became my identity. I'm bad at everything except making stories, I am worthless at everything except making stories. I feel like I need to do what I always wanted to inspired others so I don't and proof to everyone that I am not that stupid or slow.
Understanding and positivity was always been my core when it comes to making stories. Because I know there are people out there who doesn't have any friends or doesn't have anyone to talk with. And I when I finished this story and maybe publish it I hope not just to entertain but to also teach people that everyone of us deserve to be here and if I don't do that what am I? I honestly enjoy making stories it isn't a habit that's wrong for me I know that because my stories always taught me that I matter and it always helps me to never give it up and just fight. Basically selfless was the skin of my art in story making. I always told to myself that I am selfless and an understanding person but I always get mad at my mom, every "good thing" that I did felt like I was only doing it because I wanna look good not because I really am. Idk if it's because everyone always put labels on me or is just me being selfish?
I feel so confused about everything. For some reason I can't give my 100% at all. My school, when I play video games, when I try to focus I just can't seem to give it my all except my story making, that's always been my one subject where I can give my all(I think). My memory is shitty, I'm slow and I always feel like something is wrong with me. I always thought maybe because I am just tired snd burnt out. I said this because when I make my story I always spend 5-10hrs of my day just making scenes and just honestly entertained myself. So I always try to rest myself at every night I watch many YouTubers just to light myself up and play storyline games on east mode of course (even in easy mode I still manage to die). What I'm trying to say is I see everyone giving them they all. My cousin spend every night just to finish her homework, I seen many TikTokers or YouTubers talking about projects that they seriously giving them all. When I try to do something productive it doesn't feel like I'm giving it all I spend 5 hrs just to finish 2-3 assignments (I spend most it time to watch YouTube like what kind of lazy shit am I?). I don't know if am I just not taking everything seriously or do I just need to force myself to take it seriously or am I really just tired.
I thought it's because I just have no one to talk to and everyone always talk shit about me my mom always been kinda negative to herself and me busy with her ideology how beauty is everything, and her weird luck believes. I don't hate my mom she always try her best she's just sick mentally because of my dad leaving for the milk yk what I'm saying. It also kinda doesn't also help that she knows my dad goes to Tokyo Disney land with his other family while me and her just stuck at my grandpa's house and I know it's wrong to be mad at her I just sometimes I just wanna be left alone at my room sometimes. And with everything going on my family I always keep everything to myself I don't wanna stress everyone with my problems because after all they have their own problems that they need fight so I don't wanna intervene myself with them yk. After all when I tried they already forgotten about it so I don't even wanna try anymore. So yk it gets lonely really I have friends and family and all but they always slap labels on me my entire life always been on my cage stupid, slow, worthless. Even I know some of them just jokes about it but idk. I feel more distant to everyone when I try to talk I stutter which leads to everyone judging me. Everyone just gets so defensive when I try to talk with them. My reputation just at it's all time low everything I do they never truly see someone changing all they see is always that dumb and quiet that's all bitching all the time. Am I really tired? Or am I just being a bitch like how everyone says I am. It gets to that point that I use internet as ky source of advice, I use AI to bottle up for Goodness sake. Literally couple of hours ago I talked about my problems on my mom what did I get? Her being defensive and comparing me with my cousin. I don't even know when I was thinking about jumping off a bridge was me being a bitch at this point.
Idk low-key what's the purpose od this I bottle up two mines on Reddit it felt good so I'm just kinda going back here again. I already been thinking about this few months ago but I really couldn't find the right word and I finally is able to do it thank God.
In summary I don't feel like I know myself ans I just wanna ask if y'all have some advice and all. I don't wanna text any hotline or therapy some stuff. Because respectfully I don't trust anyone that are payed to listen. So yeah
If you noticed the keyword is always "make" and never about "writing" that's because my writing is bad, my drawing is bad so my stories are always been inside my head. I just use make because it's in my head and all. I know I can't proof they are the life changing masterful art of a story that I always talk out them to be but they are. I know because I put my time, heart, and identity to it. I'll say it isn't the top 1 story at all time because I know there are no stories that are number 1. Stories was always been about sharing a perspective and that's what makes stories so unique because of how unique every author are. Funny enough I made my stories not when I watched Naruto it's when I was 6 when I started making stories up because yk kids, kids. It was just maybe 10-13 years old when I started to take it very seriously now I'm 16 and so far I'm improving at it.
(Excuse my bad English it's pretty shitty)
Edit: Note seems I am kinda a forgettable person this post might get some constant reedit on this post because I dk kinda have a habit to forget mention stuff whixh probably main reason why everyone judges me idk
First edit: I forget to mention or at least not talked about this. I am just at the point rn if I ever find out that there is something wrong with my brain? I wouldn't even be surprised infact I hope that's tha case because why am I like this
Second edit: and also I feel comfortable being a girl in the internet not because I am gay or anything I am just comfortable not being me yk.