So I’m on the search to find my Naseeb (husband) but I don’t understand what to ask for honestly? Even if I later involve my wali what should he focus on asking? What do you do if you’re long distance? For context I’m an Arab in her mid 20s raised in the West but mostly searching online as offline there’s no adequate suitors
Have you ever regretted ending a suitorship because your family, especially your mother, disapproved of her? Especially if you’re an avoidant personality type and went both no contact, did you consider reconciliation, especially after investing a significant amount of money and time in courting her?
So, I’m a 25-year-old female who was two months ago broken up with a 39-year-old male (a dismissive avoidant attorney) who spent at least $50,000 on me in just three months for trips and other gifts (I guess love bombing me as he was quite shocked having gotten such a younger attractive woman, always questioning himself how he could get me).
He broke up suddenly, allegedly due to a lack of compatibility. However, I believe that his mother and another of his attorney friends planted the idea that I was using him, which is ironic because I come from a wealthier family. Despite this, he became quite insecure because I’m much younger and taller than him. Unfortunately, I fell for him, especially intellectually, and we were each other’s first kissers, as we both come from conservative upbringings. He was still kind until the few days before my departure a month ago, when he said that my tone wasn’t great and then ghosted me out of the blue. He didn’t even say a farewell, which is so unlike his usual respectable behavior.
So, I have this stupid hope and fear that he might reach back, because he spent so much money and (billable) time on me, even going into debt, and because he can’t find anyone better than me. He was also in Avery burnt out mood due to work stress the last months…I deeply miss him, especially our dates. I haven’t been in contact since my departure (so a month), and he never responded to my farewell message, which I later deleted because I felt humiliated seeing him online but not having the decency to respond. He said on our breakup that it might have worked in another lifetime, and that we could remain penpals, which I rejected. So will he ever reach back? I know that brain wise he’s not good for me but my passionate heart invested so much in him and we’re each other’s first intimate partners…
As someone who never had any suitors due to my conservative and sheltered upbringing (I didn’t have any non mahram interactions, and my dad is against the idea of me marrying; he’s a bit possessive), I met a seemingly compatible brother online. I had my fair share of time wasters, so I carefully vetted him and made sure not to emotionally attach myself to him. Unfortunately it happened and after months of talking (which I usually avoid), he ended the suitorship due to lack of long term compatibility and ghosted me afterward. It wasn’t a pleasant ending, as I later discovered that he had gone back to online apps a week before. Interestingly, he had that insecurity that I might divorce him because I could get a better man, considering he’s a bit smaller and older than me.
Anyway, alhamdulilah, I learned my lesson to involve my family as soon as possible, even though my wali is strict. But my heart is still attached to him, even though I’m not in contact with him for a month. I tried distracting myself with studies and other things, but I miss his attention, especially his warm and caring voice. I also find other men lacking the qualities I deeply appreciated in him, especially intellectually, which hurt more deeply. How do I overcome him? Sometimes, I have the hope that he’ll reach back to me, but I know it’s not healthy at all. I have the fear which he ironically said himself that I won’t find better than him…
As a young woman I’m curious, how are the online marriage apps like Muzz so far for you? Especially if you’re living in the West. Do you get many likes or even ghosted? What kind of questions do you ask early on? Red and green flags?
I’m in my mid-20s, living in the West, and ready to start a family. Ideally, I would involve my family in finding a suitor, but my father is the primary obstacle. While he is a very successful man (Mashallah), he is also incredibly controlling. For context, when I studied abroad, he actually hired private investigators and involved the police simply because I wasn't responding to texts. He seems to want me to remain a career woman at home under his roof rather than becoming a wife.
I am facing two major issues:
The Intimidation Factor: In person, my dad’s professional reputation precedes him. Most men hear what he does for a living and immediately get cold feet. They become insecure or anxious, making "offline" dating nearly impossible.
The Online Dilemma: My father views online platforms as "unserious." However, when I do meet people online, it results in endless talking stages. Even when a meetup occurs (with a friend present), the men eventually fold or have second thoughts because they lack the confidence to face a man like my father.
It is exhausting. I feel like I have to hide a potential suitor until the Nikkah is practically set because I know my father will try to sabotage the process (by convincing me that I deserve better). If a guy folds, I then have to endure lectures about how "men today aren't worth it," which he uses to justify even more control over my life.
So how do I find a man who is actually ready for marriage and has the backbone to stand his ground without endless talking stages and suitorships?