Honestly just looking for a bit of advice and clarity because I’m feeling so confused.
(Bit of backstory) I was diagnosed about a year ago after loosing a fair bit of weight very quickly. Once I felt like it wasn’t fast enough, I started prolonged fasting which landed me in general hospital and diagnosed. I started intensive outpatient treatment but was quickly diagnosed and left to fend for myself. Had a period of extreme hunger which no one warned me about and was terrified, it settled and I was relatively stable for the remainder of the year. I asked to be re-referred to services as I felt really alone and wanted to at least have the option if I needed help.
At the start of this year my weight began to drop again, down much more than before I was admitted to gen hospital last year. My behaviours have also escalated, but not the prolonged fasting anymore. My outpatient appointments increased, and a few weeks ago my consultant arranged a mental health act assessment for admission. I managed to avoid this by agreeing to intensive outpatient again, and faking my weight. I’m two weeks in. I find the appointments incredibly stressful and unhelpful, it feels like im weighed and told off and then sent home. But if I complete 8 weeks of the programme, I’ll be given therapy. I also feel like if I go and weigh more, then I’m not actually sick (which I know is just my ed talking). But I feel like the appointments are just making me worse, and the consultant told me last week that they’re considering admission again. I am terrified of this because I wouldn’t be able to continue studying or working, which would ultimately leave me homeless. I also don’t think that being surrounded by other unwell people would be helpful for me. It sounds like it will no longer be my choice though, unless I figure out a way to get them to leave me alone.
I don’t want to live with this illness forever. I am lonely, exhausted, and don’t get excited about things anymore. Equally, because of my experience with EH last year, I am terrified of weight gain. Last time I was in crisis 24/7, couldn’t leave the house etc. I honestly just don’t know what to do anymore and am sick of fighting the team that I know are just trying to help me. But I also know that unless I I actually want to get better, no support will help.I feel so lost and just want to be left alone by the services, but also being without any support at all seems really frightening. Any advice/recommendations would be really appreciated