u/Fabulous_Life1209

[TW: sexual coercion and abuse]

I [32f] have been dating my [34m] partner for 3 years. After one year of dating we moved in together. Things were great, we had sex regularly, we were on the same page about everything. About a year into living together I started feeling like a “mom” to him. By that I mean he leaves stuff laying around everywhere, never has the desire to clean, doesn’t put things away even if I organize it first for him, etc. So as this started happening I started pulling away sexually. I never stopped showing affection or being loving or taking care of him mentally and emotionally but the sexual desire slowly started to go away. I tried communicating what my issue was several times and he said he would do better. Fast forward to now he has gotten worse. So of course I haven’t had the desire to be intimate because my needs aren’t getting met. Now I don’t think what I’m asking for is even something that should need to be asked for (him pulling his weight around the house, showing me affection, being a supportive partner when I’m having a tough day, things I consider to be “normal”). Now regardless of him not doing what I need from him I have tried being intimate and initiating sex more regularly even when I’m not in the mood but after 2 or 3 times I expect him to show more interest in me and show me HE is trying and it’s not just me so I’ve started giving up even trying because I feel so gross and used after we are intimate. Lately we’ve been arguing a lot and he’s been very rude towards me and disrespectful because of the lack of sex. No matter how calm I am about how I view things from my side he cannot get it through his head that I can’t be the only one trying and sex is not going to fix our problems. Our most recent fights have escalated a lot. He started using abusive language and getting aggressive with me. One night he got in my face and when I told him to calm down and not get in my face he shoved me. Once that happened we took some space but he refused to talk about it or acknowledge he was wrong. Then tonight he again started yelling and belittling me then pushed two fingers into my chest really hard and got in my face again. So now that things have escalated I’m starting to think it was never the sex and he’s just a very angry person that only cares about himself. I sobbed in the bathroom on the floor and couldn’t breathe and he just went right to sleep after our fight tonight. And this isn’t the first time that’s happened either this has happened on multiple occasions (him peacefully sleeping while I’m breaking down.)

Im not looking for advice because I know I need to leave. I know things will only get worse because I’ve been here before. I don’t even know who I’m dating anymore. I’m starting for forget who I am. I’ve made myself so small to try to make him happy and I think the abusive behavior finally broke me. I have no one to talk to about this so I really just needed to come here to get everything out before I completely break.

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. After a year we moved in together and things were fine. We mutually agreed to a lot of things prior to moving in but he hasn’t kept up on his part and that’s what I think started causing issues. We argue and disagree like normal couples but every time there is a big disagreement he gets loud and aggressive and very disrespectful. He belittles me and talks down on me and talks to me like I’m stupid. Recently our fights have been worse than ever. He says all of our problems stem from us not having enough sex. I understand that is important to him but no matter what I do to try to bring that back it’s never enough and he’s never happy. I’ve come to a point where I just don’t feel like trying anymore if he puts absolutely zero effort on his end. The last 3 fights he’s gotten so angry and yelled at me and has gotten in my face and pushed me out of his way. Then when I talked to him from a distance he got closer to me and started waving his finger in my face as he talked to me aggressively. I’ve told him that was not okay and it’s one thing to argue but I do not appreciate him trying to intimidate me. Our most recent fight he immediately started being disrespectful. He started getting in my face then shoved me on my chest with two fingers and kept getting closer to my face and threatened to break my stuff. (This is all over not having sex)

I’ve been patient with his temper and learned how to let him be and cool down but I’m worried it’s escalating. It’s to a point where I feel I’m being bullied into being intimate without my needs being met (I just want him to show affection and help me with more instead of just being on his phone, nothing crazy. I’m tired of feeling like I’m his mother). I also see that he’s becoming more aggressive and that scares me. Has anyone experienced this and their partner was able to manage their anger better with help? Or are these signs that it will continue to escalate? I ask because he has started seeing someone but it’s like since that started his anger’s gotten worse.