I'm just numb, I don't know if I even want to stop.(Don't read if in sensitive place concerning addiction)
I just woke up in the same cheap, tacky faux-fancy chair I pass out in most nights if it isn't the ottoman. I've been busting my ass teaching myself to weld in preparation, blacksmithing as a hobby, poured disgusting amounts of money to even get off the ground. I blew thousands on a PC I'd wanted since I was a boy. None of thjs matters at all man. It doesn't go away, the lack of sleep builds up, the thoughts get bleak, I ask for help but right now (not ever, but particularly now with a death in the family, but despite my insistence on just not acknowledging my birthday because I lost the only friend who stepped in and helped me while I was homeless in the exact same ways they almost lost me except he really never woke up. Not a single text. I live in a shitty apartment in a crime ridden ward of my city, I'm so sick of all these days melting together, my body is physically deteriorating and damaged as it is, I've been working the hardest I have in a long time to try and build a semblance of a skeleton of a life I would live happily without those pills and the weight on my back. I changed my behaviour, therapy, counselling, I hate it but I try. I still go week between genuine conversations. Anytime people hit my phone is "can I borrow some xyz" or asking for something in the end, I was just a means to an end to when these are highlights of my whole weeks, just having a down to earth, up front, direct conversation. I been a recovering junkie (might as well put the parentheses back now,) for most of my life and I'm 26.
I just give up man. I slept another 3 hours last night, just poured myself more white wine because it's all my mother drinks (it's a nice break from whiskey or vodka coolers though), took a bar of Xanax and a half and I got half a 7 up cooler to drink from last night. Yesterday probably looked like today looks as the week before that looked. I've been isolated, starved and malnourished, I hit rock bottom in winter of 2024, It snowed heavy that winter and I was in a cycle of using and withdrawing from fent, Heroin was too expensive and leaving me too conscious and aware of everything so I dropped the speed balls, added alcohol because it was cheap and everywhere and consistent.
When I ask for help I get treated like shit or completely blown off and nothing about me is taken seriously. I been making major steps, I'm proud of myself, but my body and mind are slowly breaking, faster now than ever it feels. This is what I do. I take my pills, work on a project, at some point either decide that's adequate or boil over and leave before I do something stupid. Normally I'd try meditation or something like that but now I just smoke my weed with my benzos and painkillers I feel so fuckin pathetic and isolated, my Dad and I don't speak.
I just need to vent man, I really don't care if anyone reads this, I think the wine and benzos are their thing, I'm struggling to type. this is the first time I've had alcohol instead of coffee since college. I'm at the point where either my body gives out before I can provide what I need for myself or for a better future, or a future at all at this point.
Maybe today's different. I dunno anymore. Maybe I go back to sleep (like I got a choice). I just need human connection why is that so fucking hard for me? I'm only 26.. any time I let people in, they give me shit for allowing them to see how ugly things are that they can't see and I'm left alone again to find a way to cope. It's been this way with substances since I was 13, and I been a quiet kid since a I was little.
I'm done for real this time. Thanks for lost to me get that off my chest, I needed to get something to help lighten the weight and writing is all I got that people don't look down on me for so it feels like.
Back to my shell and the relative safety that it providesm
Love you guys in case no one told you recently. Lurker out.