u/Exotic_Computer_6435 — reddlx

just went through a quick two month relationship with an avoidant (i don’t know whether FA or DA) in which things were probably moving too fast to be considered healthy i admit. towards the end, they had mentioned that they were scared how much they enjoyed our connection, but i thought it was just more of a cute popular way of flirting rather than an intense feeling of fear they were having. i did not know too well what it meant to be avoidant yet except that my first relationship ever in high school was with one which tore me to shreds since i was anxious attached back then. i have absolutely no idea what i am now. i believe mentally, i’m disorganized, but i act quite secure, respect boundaries and don’t play games (atleast certainly not intentionally).

anyways, all of a sudden, they started doing all of these sly little things to bring up my insecurities, but in a candy coated way which made it seem like they weren’t insulting me. these are too specific for me to mention here, but envision what i just said as an older sibling trying to get on your nerves, but your mom is right there, so they have to word it discretely. this gave me a horrible gut feeling which i tried to ignore, but then they did it a third time with my deepest insecurity which has many years of trauma attached to it which i told them about, so i felt extremely blindsided. as far as i’m aware, i had showed them nothing but deep care, affection, and appreciation up to that point, and it had been reciprocated. this happened out of the dark.

i told them i needed to talk with them about something bothering me, but i just couldn’t get myself to bring it up because it was such a fragile topic which literally gave me s*****l ideation for years as a kid.. i’m very sensitive, so when someone i am close to says something which is pretty clear will hurt me based on their awareness of my feelings or history around it, i get this huge sense of betrayal. especially since this person constantly reassured me they were a safe space and always validated me for my struggles, fears, etc. however, the way they said it still made me question whether it was meant to be an observation rather than a backhanded compliment or straight insult. it was the fact that it had been a few things in a short span of time, and this was the one that really pushed me.

i ended up telling them that i was having trouble thinking of the words to say and that it felt like my emotional security had been taken away, so i needed a couple of days to think through it. they responded saying okay, and that they hope all goes well for me, which i didn’t realize at the time was their final message to me. this is pretty socially unaware on my end because i should’ve expected it after saying that. it’s also important to mention for context that the night before this all happened, they were venting to me about how they were sad that they were not meant to ever find stability, which dumb me thought that i could reassure them about.

well, not knowing that they were all checked out, i did text them more times than i’m willing to admit lol. this transitioned into me over apologizing and making proposals to fix what was between us and such. part of me feels like i messed it up because i pushed them away when i was taking so long to address what bothered me and the fact i said that i no longer felt emotionally safe, which is a fair turn off, don’t get me wrong. yet, there’s just absolutely no way in my mind that this wasn’t some form of self sabotage so that i would become upset with them and end it myself rather than them having to do it, shifting the burden of guilt.

though i would say i wasn’t emotionally dependent on them, i’ve been having a lot of mixed thoughts trying to process this since things had been going so well. my question is whether it’s more likely they were consciously aware that they were targeting my vulnerabilities or if they were doing it without realizing it, like acting through some deep subconscious defense mechanism?