u/Exotic-Reporter-9091

I hate myself so much. I’ve hated myself for a really long time. I wouldn't say I have depression as in the disorder, but I do get really miserable sometimes and I get suicidal thoughts. It’s been a lot worse recently. I’m 15 F for context.

For one thing, I quit my job. I worked at a pizza place for about three months and I literally just sucked at my job. Every day I would come home and I would just think have a mental list of all the mistakes I made. like there wasn’t a single day that went by that I didn’t make a mistake. At no point did I improve. And I kept trying to tell myself stupid shit like “it’s just a lack of experience“ and ”practice makes perfect.“ but every time I fucked up it completely fucked me up. I had already cried multiple times at work, but I think my breaking point was when someone has ordered a pizza for pick up and while I was taking the pizza off the top of the oven, I just ended dropping them all on the floor. That was the moment that I realized my stupidity was so bad I wasn’t fully capable of being a functioning member of society. They had to make a new one, and I had to go through the rest of the day (it was a fucking shitshow). At the very end of my shift, I gave my two coworkers $16 each from my check because I thought that money would easen whatever hate that fuckass shift warranted against me. It also covered the cost of the pizza I wasted. I then quit, on very short notice too, which made me feel very guilty. on the way home from work I hysterically sobbed for a good 30 minutes. I haven’t cried that much in my entire life and I think it was one of my lowest moments. Fuck I hate myself. I hate myself so much. You could just tell they hated me too. I just wish I wasn’t so stupid. Every time I got yelled at for making a mistake by the pizza maker, it would usually be followed up with something like “it’s all common sense”, which is something I realize I severely lack. and listen, I’m not saying I deserve bad things to happen to me because of my stupidity. But the thing is I don’t think other people should suffer because of my stupidity either. I think that giving up isn’t so bad at people make it out to be because if I’m miserable and I’m making other people miserable, then maybe it’s a good place to stop the misery. I don’t know. I just feel incapable, like if I can’t even work at a pizza place what’s gonna happen when I get older? I get that I have time to figure it out, but there’s no guarantee that I’m ever going to improve.

I hate myself so much. I’ve hated myself for a really long time. I wouldn't say I have depression as in the disorder, but I do get really miserable sometimes and I get suicidal thoughts. It’s been a lot worse recently. I’m 15 F for context.

For one thing, I quit my job. I worked at a pizza place for about three months and I literally just sucked at my job. Every day I would come home and I would just think have a mental list of all the mistakes I made. like there wasn’t a single day that went by that I didn’t make a mistake. At no point did I improve. And I kept trying to tell myself stupid shit like “it’s just a lack of experience“ and ”practice makes perfect.“ but every time I fucked up it completely fucked me up. I had already cried multiple times at work, but I think my breaking point was when someone has ordered a pizza for pick up and while I was taking the pizza off the top of the oven, I just ended dropping them all on the floor. That was the moment that I realized my stupidity was so bad I wasn’t fully capable of being a functioning member of society. They had to make a new one, and I had to go through the rest of the day (it was a fucking shitshow). At the very end of my shift, I gave my two coworkers $16 each from my check because I thought that money would easen whatever hate that fuckass shift warranted against me. It also covered the cost of the pizza I wasted. I then quit, on very short notice too, which made me feel very guilty. on the way home from work I hysterically sobbed for a good 30 minutes. I haven’t cried that much in my entire life and I think it was one of my lowest moments. Fuck I hate myself. I hate myself so much. You could just tell they hated me too. I just wish I wasn’t so stupid. Every time I got yelled at for making a mistake by the pizza maker, it would usually be followed up with something like “it’s all common sense”, which is something I realize I severely lack. and listen, I’m not saying I deserve bad things to happen to me because of my stupidity because I don’t really think it’s of the people at my workplace terrible. For example, one of them was a pedophile and acted very strange towards me. But the thing is I don’t think other people should suffer because of my stupidity either. I think that giving up isn’t so bad at people make it out to be because if I’m miserable and I’m making other people miserable, then maybe it’s a good place to stop the misery. I don’t know. I just feel incapable, like if I can’t even work at a pizza place what’s gonna happen when I get older? I get that I have time to figure it out, but there’s no guarantee that I’m ever going to improve.

I hate myself so much. I’ve hated myself for a really long time. I wouldn't say I have depression as in the disorder, but I do get really miserable sometimes and I get suicidal thoughts. It’s been a lot worse recently. I’m 15 F for context.

For one thing, I quit my job. I worked at a pizza place for about three months and I literally just sucked at my job. Every day I would come home and I would just think have a mental list of all the mistakes I made. like there wasn’t a single day that went by that I didn’t make a mistake. At no point did I improve. And I kept trying to tell myself stupid things like “it’s just a lack of experience“ and ”practice makes perfect.“ but every time I messed up it completely messed me up. I had already cried multiple times at work, but I think my breaking point was when someone has ordered a pizza for pick up and while I was taking the pizza off the top of the oven, I just ended dropping them all on the floor. That was the moment that I realized my stupidity was so bad I wasn’t fully capable of being a functioning member of society. They had to make a new one, and I had to go through the rest of the day (it went terribly). At the very end of my shift, I gave my two coworkers $16 each from my check because I thought that money would easen whatever hate that stupid shift warranted against me. It also covered the cost of the pizza I wasted. I then quit, on very short notice too, which made me feel very guilty. On the way home from work I hysterically sobbed for a good 30 minutes. I haven’t cried that much in my entire life and I think it was one of my lowest moments. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. You could just tell they hated me too. I just wish I wasn’t so stupid. Every time I got yelled at for making a mistake by the pizza maker, it would usually be followed up with something like “it’s all common sense”, which is something I realize I severely lack. And I’m not saying I deserve bad things to happen to me because of my stupidity because I don’t really think it makes me a bad person like some of the terrible people at my workplace. For example, one of them is a pedophile and acted very strange towards me. But the thing is I don’t think other people should suffer because of my stupidity either. I think that giving up isn’t as bad as people make it out to be because if I’m miserable and I’m making other people miserable, then maybe it’s a good place to stop the misery. I don’t know. I just feel incapable, like if I can’t even work at a pizza place what’s gonna happen when I get older? I get that I have time to figure it out, but there’s no guarantee that I’m ever going to improve.

Also, I hate myself so much I’m cutting off a very close friend for that reason. I genuinely feel like my presence is burdening everybody around me, especially this close friend. She’s very very sweet. She’s genuinely she’s one of my only true friends and I love her. I only have a few other friends, most of which have discriminated against me, who have belittled me, and have not been there for me when I needed it. You think these terrible fake friends would be the people that I decided to drop but instead, I’ve find myself distancing myself from the girl in my class. One day, I was just incredibly miserable out of nowhere and for no reason at all, which was very confusing and it happened to be in that one class with her. I tried to reflect later on why I could have possibly felt that way since she is genuinely one of the sweetest kindest funniest people I know. And I think it just stems from self hatred. I don’t think that the first day of misery was self hatred, but I think that it that misery kinda took a toll on me and resurfaced the feelings of self-hatred that are kind of always in the back of my mind, which really sucks. I didn’t talk to her at all from Monday through Friday and the other day she asked if she had done something wrong, which I sort of expected because that’s just the kind of person she is but it made me feel bad. And it’s strange because just the week before I was conversating just fine and laughing and stuff and then all of a sudden I just stopped. I don’t really know how to explain it. It just feels weird. I don’t know if I ever want to talk to her again. I might just keep coming in waving and doing my work and then waving goodbye, and that’ll serve as the full extent of our relationship. And I’m doing all this so I could push away the feelings of negativity that I constantly have to endure, but I’m not really happy. Each and every one of those days I find myself wanting to cry in the class, which is weird because this is a result of my actions and mine alone. And although none of this is her fault, at one point I remember we were in class and she complimented me on my self-awareness and one part of me felt proud because I like yeah I kind of suck but like at least I know I suck like at least I’m aware of it. However, I feel like it kind of just confirms that I am shitty in a way, not that she had any ill intent of course.

Like I mentioned previously I’ve hated myself for a very, very long time. I’ve cut off many friends in the past because of this self-hatred. I do get suicidal thoughts here and there, but it’s not severe. I don’t really know what I want to come out of this post but I’d really appreciate having someone to talk to.

Sorry, I wasn’t expecting this to be so long. I tried my best to articulate my thoughts, sorry if anything was confusing.