u/Existing-Chip-5573

Hi, I (26F) am looking for advice on my situation because I can’t seem to get over it. For context, this situation is quite complicated as it involves years of repeated behavior and one major event that sent everything to hell about a year ago. It mostly involves my brother-in-law (let’s call him “R” for the sake of this story) (38) and my sister “V” (35).

It started last April when R went through one of his gambling, drinking, and cheating episodes, which resulted in a huge fight between him and my sister. At that time, I left work early, spent around 500 on sweets and McDonald’s for my nephews, and went to see V to comfort her, as it looked like they were going to break up. (They have three children together.) Somehow, they reconciled, and everyone in the family suddenly started overlooking the issue. (R has had a drinking problem for quite some time, and he usually gets very irritated, angry, and vulgar. He has also developed a gambling problem, as far as I know.) Even though I didn’t trust him, I tried for the sake of my sister.

After this situation, I went to buy a new car since my last one broke down. I heard some advice from my brother-in-law but ultimately decided to buy the car anyway. Overall, it was a good deal—I spent time researching and checking it so I could address the concerns he raised. At the time, everything seemed fine.

But shortly after that, R stopped speaking to me. He avoided me to the point that I couldn’t see my nephews because he was even against my sister meeting me. Since I didn’t know why, I tried asking my sister, who responded: “Since you cannot act like adults, I cannot help,” which only made me more confused. Later, I found out he was angry that I bought the car, and for some reason, I became a target for him.

After that, he called me a bunch of awful names. I’m not sure what was more hurtful—the words from a man I’ve known since I was six, or the fact that my sister didn’t defend me at all. And keep in mind, I was the one who watched her kids when she went into labor, picked up my brother-in-law from the police station at 4 a.m. when he was arrested, and took my sister to the hospital during emergencies. I’ve always been there for her at any time of day. After that incident, I blocked him everywhere and stopped making any effort to reconcile.

Unfortunately, they are still together. He is still drinking, cheating, and gambling. They have financial problems and fight a lot. My family somehow continues to overlook all of this, and he is still included in most family events.

The issue is that somehow I keep being treated as the one in the wrong, no matter what I do.

• I do cosplay, and V insults every costume I make, no matter how good it looks. Even if people at events are excited and kids love it and take pictures, she still criticizes my appearance, which really hurts.
• When I achieve something at work, V dismisses it, and my mom doesn’t even acknowledge it—probably because V is at their house so often, and it’s hard to be heard when she’s there.
• V keeps disregarding my achievements more generally and also refuses any help I offer.
• Even when I try harder, I’m still told that I should reconcile with R.
• Every time I visit my family, I usually just sit and listen. If I start speaking, they are usually glued to their phones or the TV and don’t listen anyway.

I’ve started avoiding visits and calls with my family because I feel like I don’t matter to them most of the time. Because of that, my family has started accusing me of distancing myself from them.

So in this situation—am I the asshole for limiting contact with them?