u/Excellent-Money-104

Are you also thinking of me?

It was a toxic relationship to say the least. We both contributed in ways that were not just harmful to each other, but to ourselves. I feel so much shame around it. I’ve talked to my therapist about all the things we both did through out the relationship. My therapist who I’ve seen for a couple of years now has been very helpful and supportive. She said that some people just bring out the worse in you. That if you spend time with someone toxic long enough, you’ll more than likely act in ways that you normally wouldn’t. Although I can see where she’s coming from, I still have my doubts and feel the same can be from the other side.

She brought something up to my attention today by saying, “I can see that you still doubt yourself after all this time. After all the hurtful things she’s done to you. Why do you think that is?” I just couldn’t answer. I didn’t have one.

I feel a lot of shame around my actions. I’m hoping to heal these parts of myself to make sure I don’t do them again and participate in toxicity. I know my first step is to talk about it with my therapist, but what else can I do? This relationship made me feel awful and that I was the issue.

I have so many doubts about everything and I don’t know how to move forward. Where to start. Where to end. I’m scared of the idea of dating after what I went through. I know that I have a good heart and I do contribute a lot in healthy and mature ways. But this relationship was just really bad :(

Any advice?

K, I hope you’re out there and you read this.

I had hoped that we would end up back together again. I had hoped our dreams could be a reality. That we would heal our traumas and our attachment. That we would find our way back to each other after some time. For you, that meant years and decades. For me, it meant a few months. I can’t be bothered to stay away from you for that long. I can’t be bothered to be with another person. But here we are.

We broke each other. We hurt each other. I didn’t have a voice in our relationship and now that it’s at its end, I’m here trying to be seen and heard. And you want nothing to do with it. When you had sex with someone within a month of us not being together, that really did break me. Can you understand why? It’s over for me now. We’re over.

I really did love you with everything in my heart. What we had was special to me. I did everything I could to save us. But none of my efforts were noticed. None of my efforts landed with you. It became exhausting for me. And you blame it that I just wasn’t your person. That your person would know how to fix the issues. That your person wouldn’t hurt you. That’s so messed up you know? Like I exhausted myself doing so much for you in so many different ways. What other ways could your “person” do differently than what I had done?

I listened to you. I saw your pain. I was there for you and supported you. When I felt like I was failing I asked what you needed. I did those things you asked me to do even though they were against my morals and values. I changed myself for you to meet your needs and your expectations. I gave you constant reassurance. When I said that you mattered, you told me “that’s not true”. When I said I only care about you and nobody else you said “You care more about her”. You were jealous/insecure over someone who wasn’t in my life anymore. Someone from my past. You wanted to change my past, but I couldn’t. But I tried everything I could do for our present, and even then it wasn’t enough for you. You had unrealistic expectations of me. You constantly tested me and I was setup for failure. Nothing was ever going to be enough for you. I shouldn’t be taking all the blame when I clearly did everything I could. I shouldn’t be told I’m not your person when I did everything I could. That’s so messed up.

I wish you knew that waking up with you was the happiest I could ever feel. Sleeping with you was the most comfort I could ever feel. Being with you was the most full I could ever feel. That I looked forward to talking to you every day. I had so many date ideas for us. I had so many fun activities planned for us. We were so good when we were good. We understood each other. Nothing else mattered when we were together. We were so present and we had so much fun. But we had no time for that in our relationship. You just needed to let things be and let things go and stop being controlling 😭 I needed that from you. I needed you to meet me halfway. And now all of that is gone. It sucks that we couldn’t get it right…..

You broke me 😭 And I will never forgive you for what you did. It’s over now for me. It truly is. I was more than happy for us to come back after we had healed our pain. But I think that night ruined it all for me. I can never see you the same again.

Goodbye.

Please don’t contact me. Let me heal in peace and move on. If you have something to say then journal it or something else. I beg you.