u/Exact-Teaching-9738

I hate how I can't even enjoy nonpenetrative stuff. I assume it's related/because of my vaginismus because oral literally just feels like any other part of my body being touched with occasional spasms of pain. I'm still in college and my friends get to date around and enjoy it and it makes me so jealous. I'm in an LDR but even then I don't want to be touched externally since it just gives me the fear reactions and I'll have random spasms throughout the next day. + literally nothing during sex has ever felt physically pleasurable.

It's not like you need to be having sex to be an adult but it really makes me feel immature that I'm not able to when I want to be. I'm not really embarrassed about having vaginismus like I wouldn't hide it from a close friend but I feel like I'm missing out on something everyone else gets. It's not even totally about pain for me the emotional aspects of aversion and fear and upset about that aversion and fear are so much worse

I know it is treatable and getting depressed about it makes it way harder for me to actually work on dilating etc. And this is more hormonal/dramatic but dilating totally triggers the thoughts of "I'm never getting over this -> I won't have a normal adult relationship ever" which makes a feedback loop of me not dilating and not getting better. But I really feel like I will never be able to Enjoy sex when I really want to even if I work up to not having pain and its so unfair . I want to get to have fun!!!!!!!

I have not been able to focus my right eye consistently since around November. I thought it was a few different things (visit to eye doctor included) before learning its a potential side effect of stimulants (I am on 20mg Dextroamphetamines) and think it is probably that. I spoke to my doctor about it but declined switching to a nonstimulant right away since it is finals season.

Has anyone had unfocused vision from stimulants and been able to continue taking them? It is really frustrating because being medicated over the last ~5 years has helped me so much. The vision doesn't really bug me but my eye is always trying to focus which strains it/causes headaches/makes me nauseous.

If anyone has had this side effect and is willing to share how long it took to go away after stopping stimulants I would appreciate that as well. I am hoping to switch to a nonstimulant this summer for a bit to at least be able to tell if this is for sure a medication problem and not another issue. The side effect persists even when I miss ~5 days of medication so just having a rough estimate of how long I would need to switch to tell would help tons.

Any advice relating to this would be super appreciated!

I only recently learned that the line:

"Photographs your boyfriend took" was originally:

"And never mind the drugs you took" on the demo!

Soo surprising because it totally changes how I've been interpreting the song! I've always found it the narrator of the song a bit annoying, since the common interpretation I see (ex. Genius Lyrics) involves the girl not seeing his problems since she is so focused on her own, when it also seems like he is also failing to fully see the depth of how she is suffering ("You sing the words, but don't know what it means"). It is mostly annoying to me since the boyfriend has, presumably, shared her nudes in some way and that is a pretty valid reason to be that upset especially in high school lol. It seems like a relationship where they both can only see each other's exteriors rather than just one where she is using him from emotional support but not returning it.

But the change from "boyfriend" to drugs in the demo recontextualizes a lot of the song, since their problems are no longer contrasting but a shared drug abuse (also makes the line "held you close as we both shook" have a different meaning and removes the infidelity).

The main difference to me is the finished song comes across as a high school ill-fated romance, with the singer being upset that she can't look past herself to see his problems, while the demo reads as a girl entering the music scene/only recently falling into a drug habit that the singer is already secretly suffering under ("it's not the life it seems" & "You said you read me like a book/But the pages all are torn and frayed now" as if it has damaged him recently). A lot of the lyrics then seem like discouraging her from following him into further addiction ("For the last time, take a good hard look"). Here, I would also interpret the Bridge as being a switch to his stage persona, the way he projects being okay to the audience but is opening up to the girl ("Well, if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say") to discourage her from addiction/fame. This also makes the opening more self-sacrificial, where "I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way", is almost about protecting her instead of self-serving.

Overall, it's much more similar thematically to Honey this mirror. I kind of prefer the official, high school Heathers vibe since it is a much bigger outlier/more unique on their discography (especially with the music video, I'm not sure it would have made as much sense in a private high school setting if it was more focused on addiction than bullying), but I also really love the demo.

Changing the one lyric really affects my whole perception of the "story"/meaning behind the song - so I'm super curious what other people think about it!

Sorry for a question I know should probably be Google-able but I am getting a little confused. I have the "Dr. Laura Berman® Dilators™ Set Of 4 Locking Sizes Plus Sleeve" where the dilators themselves are made of ABS and the "sleeve" is made of TBR. I only can use the ABS part so far and have not yet bought lube for it. I believe it is compatible with silicon and water lubricants but if anyone knows for sure I would appreciate it!

I am also curious about how people begin to dilate when using lube? (Sorry if this is a bit TMI!!) I have only ever dilated by myself using vaginal lubrication so have always needed been aroused before trying to dilate. I don't have any issues producing fluid but usually get too dry during dilation to comfortably remove the dilator which is what I want lube for. Since being aroused is a necessity without lube I am mostly curious if it is more common to dilate with/without arousal when using lube? I have gone to physical therapy and was able to have a comfortable insertion without arousal but it seems like when dilating alone arousal should make the relaxation easier even with lube. I'm sure it varies person-to-person but the thought of insertion is always a bit stressful to me so it is nice to hear others' advice in advance!