Background: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 years (since we were 14). She is my first and only everything. We’ve been long-distance for a lot of it, but spent last summer together. Recently, we had a massive talk and she decided to break up. She’s staying connected so the transition isn't as hard on me, but she’s clear that she’s done for now.
The Issues: Looking back, I realize I was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive.
- Jealousy: I was jealous of everyone. Once, and this is going to sound really cringe and ridiculous, but I even changed my PC password because she was playing games with another guy while I was at work.
- Lack of Support: I made fun of her for her new hobby (Dungeons and Dragons with her new friends) and mocked the time/money she spent on it. I see now I was just jealous of anything that took her time away from me.
- Communication: I dismissed her problems as "not a big deal" and used jokes to avoid serious emotional discussions. I am an extremely introverted and antisocial person and she is the only person I speak to aside from my parents and two friends.
- Trust: I broke her trust repeatedly with my insecurity.
Where I am now: The first few days I panicked and spammed her, which led to her muting me. I’ve calmed down and realize that if I ever want a chance or if I just want to be a better man for the future I have to do something with myself.
My Questions:
- How do I work on all my problems so that both she can see that I can change and I prove to myself that I am a compeltely different person from before.
- She cried while breaking up and said she believes I want to change, but can't be with me now. Do I give her space? For how long? Do I text her anything? Do I text her everyday? What is it she has to see in me that will make it more belivable for me to change
- I want to learn D&D to show interest in her world but how do I make it so she sees that I am doing this to overcome my ego and not because this is a point she mentioned when breaking up with me. Can I ask her to invite me to one of her games online? Would that be a horrible idea? What do I do if she says she doesn't want to play D&D with me? Do I share with her every time I play D&D without her? Do I text her everything I do connected to D&D? I have no idea, I really need some help right now.
This is the text I sent her as the last resort while I was crying so hard I didn't even see my screen, she said it was strong but not enough.
- I am very worried about my future and I am holding on with all my strength to the most precious thing in my life - you. I tried so hard not to lose you and was so worried about myself without you that I didn't think at all about how you were feeling. I've wanted you so much all my life, I forgot to think that you might not like something. I hated your hobbies and friends and everyone who took you away from me, and you know why. Why, why didn't I put your feelings before my own if I told you so much how much I love you.. I don't know. Endless jealousy because I didn't want to lose you so much eventually led to me being on the verge of losing you.. It all sounds like more stories about how to love you to play on your emotions, but I swear that's not what I want to say at all. All my life I thought I would do anything for my baby, but in fact I was ready for nothing. I didn't support you in your game because I wanted you to be with me instead. I was jealous of everything in the world because I wanted you so much. Everything you said in the messages is true, and it sounds so awful, I'm sick of myself. Nikita would hate that man who treats his most precious thing on earth so disgustingly. And I know that you're an incredible person because even though we've been through this more than once, and you've forgiven me over and over again for being such a jerk.. It's terribly unfair of me to ask that, despite what's going on all the time in our relationship, you give me another chance to improve. I really believe that I can improve with your help and we can live a quiet life. I will learn to respect the fact that you love to share interests with you and believe that this relationship is real. Maybe this is the last time we'll talk about something so explicit, and we're not as close to each other as we once were. I've always said that no one deserves a second chance and that they made a mistake. I made a lot of mistakes, my whole life was a big mistake, but when I was with you, I didn't hate myself. Your clothes and your scent are with me every night before going to bed. My whole car trips and canada and everything are saturated with memories of you. I'm not ready to lose it all. If you can really forgive me again, no matter what I've done and what I've put myself through, I promise with all my heart to my parents, to my life, that I will work on myself more than ever in my life to do everything so that you don't experience anything like this anymore. Finally, to make myself worthy of you. I'll understand if you refuse, of course I'll understand, because you've already given me so many chances and I've successfully screwed them all up.. I've imagined our life together so much every day, and if this is really the end for us, I'll say for the very last time that I love you madly.. and I do not know if I can speak for my past self, that I will do everything in my power to make you the happiest girl in life, but I can say this about my future self. If you really deign to forgive such a freak again, I promise you that I will make sure that you never regret any more choices in your life. I will be worthy to call you my girlfriend and partner.
My grammar isnt the best so I had AI go over the text a little - hope you dont mind.
TL;DR: I (20M) recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years due to my own controlling behavior, jealousy, and lack of support for her hobbies (D&D). I’ve realized how toxic I was and want to genuinely change, but I don't know how to give her space or prove I'm improving without overstepping. I am determined to get back together with her since she wasn't concrete on her decision when she decided we have to break up.