u/EveningBackground179 — reddlx

Hi all, this is a throw away and on mobile so apologies for formatting errors. This post involves me (25F) my partner of 4 years - we’ll call Jim (27M), my mum (66F), my dad (63M) and Jim’s mum, Nora (55F). I also want to apologise for the length of this post. I did previously post this elsewhere but haven’t received much in terms of feedback.

Jim and I live together and have done for 2 years, we alternate Christmas’s at each other’s parents and Christmas 2025 was spent with my parents. I have never really looked forward to Christmas with my parents as it’s disorganised, chaotic and typically there is arguing while I try and rectify things like cleaning and chopping vegetables (yes on Christmas Day). On the lead up to Christmas, Jim and I were asking my mum how we could help and prepare, she said that everything will be fine and instead got us to do jobs around the house, gardening, shopping etc. (this was on the 24th). I was getting worried as nothing had been done in preparation for Christmas.

Anyway, I wake up on Christmas morning and go down to clean up and start on breakfast and making tea ready for everyone to come down. We eat, open presents and then the chaos starts. Nothing had been prepared. So I ask mum what vegetables she wants chopping as she insists no one touch the meat as she’s in charge of it, and she tells me where to get it but she’s doing it in a fairly snappy way. Jim didn’t look too happy about it and I sort of motioned to him to drop it as I wanted the day to go as easy as possible. She then starts getting annoyed at my dad as he is cooking the starters for the meal (soup) and saying that he was getting in her way. This kitchen is big and there’s plenty of space for everyone to be doing different things in there.

We normally go on a Christmas Day walk to the local pub, have a pint then walk home. When we brought up needing to go on this walk, she started to prepare a gammon joint (which can be served cold and could have been done the previous day). She puts it in the oven after basically silencing everyone and we get ready to go on this walk. Admittedly she does struggle walk but enjoys going out and is normally happy just walking along at a pace without stopping, on this walk she stopped every 50m to observe something - I don’t know what, she literally lives there, has done this walk multiple times and is clearly doing it to really slow the pace down. We get to a point where it’s very quick to go home or to the pub and mum says that she needs to get back to the gammon. Dad and I come up with multiple solutions like, one of us could go with her and drive her to the pub, or one of us go instead and either walk back or drive back so it would be easier on her and she wouldn’t be missing out. She got annoyed and just set off home. Jim, my dad and I decided to go to the pub as we all clearly knew we would need a pint to get us through the day.

We got home about 30 mins later where mum was reading a book and she hadn’t taken this gammon out yet. She then set me to work to sort out the gammon and dress it while Jim continued preparing the sprouts and peeling potato’s etc. Dad needed to use the oven (a different one from the gammon - it is new and hadn’t been used before, he asked my mum for help in how to work it (it was weirdly complicated) and mum was the one who picked it out and read the instructions. She then proceeded to say just figure it out, you’re supposed to be smart, he couldn’t figure it out and asked me and my partner for help, we couldn’t figure it out and kept asking her for help and she just kept having a go at us saying we should be smarter. Eventually (20 mins later) she sorted it out. She then got on with the main meat dish and dad finished off the soup. Throughout this, she kept getting snappy and sarcastic towards me and dad for literally doing what she was asking us to do, by which point Jim had enough and decided to be a bit sarcastic back to my mum. I appreciate he was doing it in response of what she was doing to me and dad but it did escalate the situation a bit.

We sat down and had dinner where mum was quiet and having a bit of a strop - it made the meal incredibly awkward. After dinner we decided to relax and chill for the rest of the evening until Jim and I went to bed. On our way, we both heard my mum speaking loudly about how rude and vile Jim was. Now I get he was being sarcastic but he definitely wasn’t being vile. I was annoyed, told Jim to go to bed and said I would deal with my mum.

It devolved into a very heated argument where she called Jim sexist - he is not and I wouldn’t be with someone who was - and when I asked her how. She then started shouting that his mum (Nora) was a weak woman. A few things I gathered from her saying this:

She was just trying to be spiteful about the fact she had nothing to back the sexist claim and so went for a more painful spot.
She doesn’t know how to admit she is wrong - she has never said sorry. She always doubles down.

Nora is one of the kindest people I have ever met. She is supportive and hard working and kind and genuinely doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. I asked her how she thinks she’s weak and then my mum just kept saying that she wasn’t a girls girl. Nora raised Jim and his brother while Jim’s dad was away for months at a time for work, while having no support system and working a full time job as a teacher. She has raised 2 amazing sons and I am so lucky to potentially call her mother in law one day. My dad then started saying that my mum was being ridiculous and rude about a woman she has only met a couple of times. My mum then started to get angry about how we ‘left’ her on the walk earlier - I shut this down very quickly and said we provided multiple options that would not have left her alone so that isn’t even an argument. I then got frustrated because this argument was going in circles with no resolution. So we came to an agreement when Jim would apologise for being sarcastic and mum would apologise for being rude - it wasn’t right but it was the closest I was going to get to a resolution. After the argument (Jim didn’t hear anything that happened) I went to bed and cried for a while - Jim was being as supportive as he could but he didn’t fully know what had happened. The next day they both apologised, they’ve only seen each other once since then and it was a cold reunion.

The trouble is, is that I only recently told Jim everything that was said. He understood why I didn’t tell him for so long but he is really upset and disappointed in my mum for bringing Nora into it all. I fully agree. I am ready to put boundaries in place to protect Jim and his family from my mother. The only thing I am really worried about is the impact this will have on my dad. I am travelling to speak to my dad in person about this at the weekend and I don’t know how to go about it and what plan we can come up with going forward to get to a place we’re all comfortable with. I know I should cut off my mum but I’m her only child and I fear she’ll make my life a lot worse if I do. Jim also doesn’t want to fully cut her off because she’s my mum and honestly, we both fear that she may be going down an Alzheimer route and dad will be needing support with that in the future.

So I have come to Reddit to ask for advice on how to set boundaries with my mum moving forward as not to cut off my dad and protect my partner. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

TL;DR: my mum has unjustifiably been nasty towards my partner and his family and I need help setting boundaries with her while not alienating my dad. Ideally I’d like a plan that will take us forward having a healthier relationship but I don’t know how to go about this.

Hi all, this is a throw away and on mobile so apologies for formatting errors. I also want to apologise for my written English, my first language is English but I am terrible at it. This post involves me (25F) my partner - we’ll call Jim (27M), my mum (66F) and my dad (63M).

For context I want to supply some information about the relationships I have with my parents and partner.

My mum and I have never meshed well, although she seems to think we’re best friends (there is no evidence to support this). She has tried to vicariously live through me as I was growing up, her reasoning being that she wanted to provide me with opportunities she didn’t have. In this instance I understand where she is coming from, however, it led to me doing a huge amount of sports and music from a young age to the point where I was competing at a national level at 13 years old in a very tough sport. I realised back then that I wasn’t doing all these things for myself, but for her and for her approval. I did end up dropping sport nearly in its entirety as a result of this, which didn’t make her particularly happy, which led to me having several mental health issues and going to therapy on and off from 14 until fairly recently, I am doing a lot better now. I did eventually drop music as well as I found that I just wasn’t enjoying it and it was something I felt obligated to do rather than actually wanting to do it. Academically I am doing well, I got my masters degree in a well paying field and am happy with where my work will take me. She’s been ‘proud’ of me but not as much as she was when I was younger. She has also always had a tendency to lash out when things don’t go her way - sort of like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. We have argued over the years (nothing explosive until now) and don’t talk often unless necessary or when she wants to talk about her self - she doesn’t ask me how I am or how my life is going and honestly I’m okay with that. On the rare occasion she does ask me what I’ve been up to and I tell her that we did up a bathroom, re did plumbing by ourselves etc. she will say, ‘you got that from me’. It’s like everything I do she takes credit of because I’m her child. I would also like to add that my mum was told she couldn’t have children but I think she sees me as some sort of miracle baby. Unfortunately all she does is treat me like a child and doesn’t see me as an adult which is incredibly frustrating.

My dad is very different from my mum, he’s very chilled and relaxed. Whenever my mum and I have had arguments he will typically defend me as it takes a long time for me to break into an argument. However he does have a tendency to gloss over issues and has in effect enabled her behaviour (in my opinion) in doing so. Whenever I see him we always manage to go to the pub for a pint without my mum around, he is much easier to talk to and doesn’t make everything about himself and actually seems to care about me and my life.

Jim and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 2. He has met my parents on multiple occasions and has generally had a good relationship with them. At the beginning of our relationship I’m not sure he quite understood how my mum and I weren’t close, and initially tried to encourage me to peruse a healthier relationship with her, but after I explained a lot about my past he understood and has been in my corner ever since. I think this mostly came from a place of love as his family is incredibly kind and close. I adore him to bits and I have a feeling he may propose to me within the next year!

The main event Now that Jim and I live together, we alternate Christmas’s at each other’s parents and Christmas 2025 was spent with my parents. I have never really looked forward to Christmas with my parents as it’s disorganised, chaotic and typically there is arguing while I try and rectify things like cleaning and chopping vegetables (yes on Christmas Day). On the lead up to Christmas, Jim and I were asking my mum how we could help and prepare, she said that everything will be fine and instead got us to do jobs around the house, gardening, shopping etc. (this was on the 24th). I was getting worried as nothing had been done in preparation for Christmas. Anyway, I wake up on Christmas morning and go down to clean up and start on breakfast and making tea ready for everyone to come down. We eat, open presents and then the chaos starts. Nothing had been prepared. So I ask mum what vegetables she wants chopping as she insists no one touch the meat as she’s in charge of it, and she tells me where to get it but she’s doing it in a fairly snappy way. Jim didn’t look too happy about it and I sort of motioned to him to drop it as I wanted the day to go as easy as possible. She then starts getting annoyed at my dad as he is cooking the starters for the meal (soup) and saying that he was getting in her way. This kitchen is big and there’s plenty of space for everyone to be doing different things in there. We normally go on a Christmas Day walk to the local pub, have a pint then walk home. When we brought up needing to go on this walk, she started to prepare a gammon joint (which can be served cold and could have been done the previous day). She puts it in the oven after basically silencing everyone and we get ready to go on this walk. Admittedly she does struggle walk but enjoys going out and is normally happy just walking along at a pace without stopping, on this walk she stopped every 50m to observe something - I don’t know what, she literally lives there, has done this walk multiple times and is clearly doing it to really slow the pace down. We get to a point where it’s very quick to go home or to the pub and mum says that she needs to get back to the gammon. Dad and I come up with multiple solutions like, one of us could go with her and drive her to the pub, or one of us go instead and either walk back or drive back so it would be easier on her and she wouldn’t be missing out. She got annoyed and just set off home. Jim, my dad and I decided to go to the pub as we all clearly knew we would need a pint to get us through the day. We got home about 30 mins later where mum was reading a book and the gammon on the side cooling down. She then set me to work to score the gammon and dress it while Jim continued preparing the sprouts and peeling potato’s etc. She got on with the main meat dish and dad finished off the soup. Throughout this, she kept getting snappy and sarcastic towards me and dad for literally doing what she was asking us to do, by which point Jim had enough and decided to be a bit sarcastic back to my mum. I appreciate he was doing it in response of what she was doing to me and dad but it did escalate the situation a bit. We sat down and had dinner where mum was quiet and having a bit of a strop - it made the meal incredibly awkward. After dinner we decided to relax and chill for the rest of the evening until Jim and I went to bed. On our way, we both heard my mum speaking loudly about how rude and vile Jim was. Now I get he was being sarcastic but he definitely wasn’t being vile. I was annoyed, told Jim to go to bed and said I would deal with my mum. It devolved into a very heated argument where she called Jim sexist - he is not and I wouldn’t be with someone who was - and when I asked her how. She then started shouting that his mum (50’s F - we’ll call Nora) was a weak woman. A few things I gathered from her saying this:

She was just trying to be spiteful about the fact she had nothing to back the sexist claim and so went for a more painful spot.
She doesn’t know how to admit she is wrong - she has never said sorry. She always doubles down. Nora is one of the kindest people I have ever met. She is supportive and hard working and kind and genuinely doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. I asked her how she thinks she’s weak and then my mum just kept saying that she wasn’t a girls girl. Nora raised Jim and his brother while Jim’s dad was away for months at a time for work, while having no support system and working a full time job as a teacher. She has raised 2 amazing sons and I am so lucky to potentially call her mother in law one day. My dad then started saying that my mum was being ridiculous and rude about a woman she has only met a couple of times. My mum then started to get angry about how we ‘left’ her on the walk earlier - I shut this down very quickly and said we provided multiple options that would not have left her alone so that isn’t even an argument. I then got frustrated because this argument was going in circles with no resolution. So we came to an agreement when Jim would apologise for being sarcastic and mum would apologise for being rude - it wasn’t right but it was the closest I was going to get to a resolution. After the argument (Jim didn’t hear anything that happened) I went to bed and cried for a while - Jim was being as supportive as he could but he didn’t fully know what had happened. The next day they both apologised, they’ve only seen each other once since then and it was a cold reunion. The trouble is, is that I only recently told Jim everything that was said. He understood why I didn’t tell him for so long but he is really upset and disappointed in my mum for bringing Nora into it all. I fully agree. I am ready to put further boundaries in place to protect Jim and his family from my mother. The only thing I am really worried about is the impact this will have on my dad. I am travelling to speak to my dad in person about this at the weekend and I don’t know how to go about it and what plan we can come up with going forward to get to a place we’re all comfortable with. I know I should cut off my mum but I’m her only child and I fear she’ll make my life a lot worse if I do. Jim also doesn’t want to fully cut her off because she’s my mum and honestly, we both fear that she may be going down an Alzheimer route and dad will be needing support with that in the future.

So I have come to Reddit to ask for advice on how to set boundaries with my mum moving forward as not to cut off my dad and protect my partner. Apologies for the length of this post.