Me (F30) and my ex (M30) were together for just over a year. When we met I was 6 months out of my previous relationship which wasn't good and he was cheating on me for most of that relationship. I cut ties immediately and worked on myself. When I met my ex I was glowing, so happy in myself and didn't need a man so I thought I would be safe with seeing him. At first we showed me so much love, he was crazy for eye contact always which made me nervous, he was fun, gave me so many gifts and just made me feel so so special. We had so much fun and were so damn happy. A few months in he kept asking me to move in with him, I was conscious of making any mistakes so I said we would wait till after summer. The summer we spent so much time together, I was obsessed with him thinking I found the most amazing man ever. We moved in together then after summer and he fully changed. He stopped giving me any attention, affection or love and became controlling. He says it was because some of my friends I had met through my ex and he couldn't deal with it. He was insecure and kept obsessing over it to the point he would fight with me over the same issue constantly. I was so obsessed with him, when he started commenting on my clothes, I would change cause I wanted to be attractive to him especially because I wasn't getting any attention from him anymore and I had just moved in with him. We had a fight one night (at my best friends 30th) because another friend said to him "I thought she was happy before but now seeing her with you, I can tell she's never been happier" and he took at that as an insult being compared to my ex. He flipped out and I ended up crying and walking away from him and going back to the party cause I needed space. I tried calling him down but it wasn't working and all he wanted was for me to leave the party because he felt insecure. I was so angry I went back to the party and left him to go home and I put my phone in my friends bag so I could enjoy the last bit of my best friends 30th. But after the party I came home to him and he told me that I can never be forgiven for leaving him to go home alone because he ended up going to sit on a bridge crying and when I didn't answer my phone, he felt abandoned even though I told him I needed space. That was 9 months ago and every single day since I've paid for it horribly. He stopped having sex with me, looked at me in not a loving way, sighed whenever I brought up why he's making me feel like this, he stopped kissing/hugging me, we bought a kitten and he made me so jealous cause he gave the kitten so much love and treated me like a piece of shit. I stayed because I fully believed he would go back to the amazing man I met originally. I became so self conscious, was comfort eating, was crying all the time, felt like I was walking on egg shells because any time he was in a bad mood he would bring up the fight we had 9 months ago and how I "didn't care if he died" which is of course not the truth. He started saying my hobby (which was dancing) made him uncomfortable and he thought it was whoreish and because I was so self conscious, I started to hate dancing and stopped going. He hated when I wore skirts or anything that showed a tiny bit of cleavage. He made me feel bad about expressing myself and I stopped trusting my judgement. I fell out with friends, I stopped being in touch with family as much as I want, I started hating my appearance and begged for attention.
I kept trying to talk to him about how unhappy I was in a last plea to help us (I was delulu thinking his original form was real) but every time I did, he brought up how he has so much resentment for me after that fight 9 months ago. Before that fight he had bought me a holiday for my 30th birthday and we went on the holiday a month ago where he complained the whole time and didn't even give me a birthday card until I begged. He said if the fight 9 months ago happened before he bought the holiday, he wouldn't have bought it. Which of course ruined my birthday trip. 2 weeks later we were broken up, I had to move out and back into my parents house. I had to leave our kitten behind, Im so sad and angry I put up with so much. I ended up having so many panic attacks, severe anxiety and Ive now been on SSRIs for 5 months. Since we broke up, I've been a shell of myself, I don't know how to restart and repair myself. I honestly do not think he sees what he did to me. He sees me as the devil even though I was trying so hard it was making me sick. I miss our routine and the life we had planned together but I'm so angry for putting up with everything and not being able to see how bad it was before it ended. The worst part is, I was so deeply damaged I couldn't let go so he ended up ending the relationship. I wish I got there first.
Just to add - he stopped inviting me out with his friends because he didn't like mine (for no good reason other than him being insecure) and got an invite to a wedding in Germany which he told me he won't invite me as his plus one and he would be sharing a twin room with one of his female friends. How do I let the mix of anger and longing go?