Im butting heads with my therapist who doesn't think what my mom did was CSA
I am literally going in circles with my therapist. Im already over analytical & trying to understand why my mom would do this shit to me.
Just for a little clarification before I get ahead of myself so some of these things make sense
I was "adopted" by my family. There was a court case on weather it was ok for them to adopt me vs living on a rez. Im Indigenous & French apparently. And my mom who is a white conservative Christian is a by definition narcissistic.
I also wanted retrospect cuz I literally cannot understand why she is such a freak. These "principles" she's had has fucked me up for most of my life. & I've had to go through a lot of therapy to not think similarly.
Ok. She hates any sexual anatomy, being penis, or vigina. She calls anatomy; gross, disgusting, ugly, weird. Just to list a few. She thinks the act of sex is disgusting.
She would laugh trapping me in a corner & grab my chest & my crotch as I screamed for her to stop (i was having ptsd episodes from prior CSA and wasn't aware of that at the time) then she yelled at me saying she wouldn't do that if i didn't "react" the way i did. She would always push me to get with boys in school then would strip search me & sniff at me to make sure i wasn't "having sex". Took me to a male doctor to see if they can give my downstairs plastic surgery to "pretty it up" and those were the words the doctor used. Also asked him to give me permeate hair removal treatment, for my groin, underarms, & legs because to her my hair was "dark & disgusting" (she forced me to dye my hair blonde & told me when i was old enough i could wear blue contacts.) But for months prior she would randomly lay me on the bed to look at my junk & talk about how ugly it was while touching & pulling at it. She also liked to rub & i mean rub my ass.
Also a few years ago when before (my ex) & my parents were saying goodbye. My Nmom said in passing, "I dont like to touch you anymore. You're an adult now."
She yelled at me while she tried to force a tampon in me yell that "it wasnt a penis!"
And I recently uncovered other things in my past that I haven't told my therapist yet.
Like all my brain pieced together was that I was on my hands & knees naked or at times my night gown hiked up my back (cuz i "know" like deep that this has happened multiple times) & mom is teasing me about fingering me. While spreading this white stuff all over my um privates & inside my ass. And im on my parents bed. And im sure... I think... it was some kind of medicine. Idk. But it happened multiple times & she was not professional or "motherly" um let's just say I did not feel ok. Also i was somewhere around kindergarten age.
Another pop up was that she'd make jokes about it like I can almost clearly remember (bear with me im trying to make it sound clearer than my brain is) she was "joking" about how there's a doctor who's just itching to to "put his finger up my butt" It was around the same age range but older than the previous memory. I can't remember the context. But we were at a dollar store. That all I can dig up regarding all that, currently.
But yeah my therapist is hesitant to say what my mom did was CSA.