u/Er_Fafo_

Hi everyone! I'm a young Italian author working on a High Dark Fantasy book. This is the first chapter of a novelization of a long-running TTRPG campaign. It's also my first attempt into writing a novel. If interested in reading this, post a comment or feel free to DM me.

Full disclosure: This text was translated from Italian using DeepL and then lightly edited by me. I know the english text isn't perfect and it's not as impactful as the original text, so I'm not looking for a deep line-by-line grammar critique (unless you really want to!). I would like to know how im handling these points

1. The Vibe: Does the grim/horror atmosphere come through despite the translation?
2. Pacing: Is the introduction of the torture victim and the rescuers effective?
3. The Hook: Would you keep reading if this were the first chapter of a book?

Trigger Warning: Graphic descriptions of torture, body horror, and trauma.

Im gonna leave here a summary of the first part of the text:

Within the confines of a sodden crypt, a boy let his mind wander through the jagged memories of the agonies he had already endured. His tormentors arrived as they always did, carrying a bucket of ice-cold water and a flickering candle. They spat questions at him—riddles he had already answered a thousand times before. As they began to batter his broken frame, a new shadow detached itself from the darkness and drew near.

No AI was used in the story, DeepL was used only to transalte the text since rewriting almost 6000 words in my second language would have taken me all day.

Hi everyone! I'm a young Italian author working on a High Dark Fantasy book. This is the first chapter of a novelization of a long-running TTRPG campaign. It's also my first attempt into writing a novel

Full disclosure: This text was translated from Italian using DeepL and then lightly edited by me. I know the english text isn't perfect and it's not as impactful as the original text, so I'm not looking for a deep line-by-line grammar critique (unless you really want to!). I would like to know how im handling these points

1. The Vibe: Does the grim/horror atmosphere come through despite the translation?
2. Pacing: Is the introduction of the torture victim (Fred) and the rescuers (Iulius & co.) effective?
3. The Hook: Would you keep reading if this were the first chapter of a book?

Trigger Warning: Graphic descriptions of torture, body horror, and trauma.

Im gonna leave here a summary of the first part of the text:

Within the confines of a sodden crypt, a boy let his mind wander through the jagged memories of the agonies he had already endured. His tormentors arrived as they always did, carrying a bucket of ice-cold water and a flickering candle. They spat questions at him—riddles he had already answered a thousand times before. As they began to batter his broken frame, a new shadow detached itself from the darkness and drew near.

Thanks to everyone that will show any interest in what im writing, im also open to critique swap with anyone willing

Salve, sono alle prese con la stesura di un libro dark fantasy con elementi di body horror e high fantasy, al momento ho scritto 3 capitoli e vorrei avere una opinione da persone che non conosco. Mi interessa in particolare un parere sulla gestione della tensione nella prima parte, sul ritmo e sull'introduzione e la caratterizzazione dei personaggi, che nascono da una campagna di DnD . Sono disponibile a scambiare opinioni qualora qualcuno fosse interessato.

TRIGGER WARNING:

Descrizioni di scene di tortura esplicite, violenza fisica, verbale e sessuale, gore, body horror.

A seguito una breve sintesi della prima parte del primo capitolo:

In una cripta madida, un ragazzo pensava alle varie torture che aveva subito. I suoi torturatori arrivarono con un secchio di acqua fredda e una candela. Gli fecero delle domande a cui lui aveva già risposto in passato; mentre lo picchiavano, si avvicinò un'altra persona.