I am 20F. I experienced some stuff when I was 8. My cousin used to touch me. I didn't know what was happening to me at that time. I understood it wasn't okay when I was 13. Later as i got older i started getting flashbacks the things he did to me.
I clearly remember, i was wearing a black t-shirt one time and white pant and the pant had stars on them. I was playing in his room. He was 20 at that time. He made me sit on his lap and started touching me. I didn't know what to do. He made me lay on the bed and laid on top of me. He started to kiss my cheek and slipped his hand inside my pants. Later he removed his pants. I don't remember what really happened after that. I try, but can't remember.
Another time he made me lay on my stomach on the bed. He removed his pants and he was on top of me. I could still feel his breathe on my neck and ears and it disgusts me. He removed my pants. I don't remember what happened after he removed his pants. Every time I try to remember what he did I get headache. I feel like my head will explode.
The thing is no one in my family know about it. I didn't even know if i was raped or not. I can't forget it. He did this several times not once or twice. I can't remember the exact things. Just a few that he kissed or touched me. And like another time he rubbed his private parts against me. I don't remember how many times he had done that to me.
I feel so disgusted to even look at my body. Anytime I open up to someone about this, they say "Don't overthink it." "you are exaggerating." "every woman experiences this, you have to move on."
I don't know what to do. I don't want to live. I don't want to die. I'm just living. Can't even remember if i was raped or not.