u/Entire_Wrongdoer_780

I’ve never really talked about this publicly before, but I think I’ve reached a point where I need to hear from people who may have gone through something similar.

Three years ago, I was raped by a man. I’m a lesbian, which made the trauma even more confusing and complicated for me mentally. It was extremely violent, I was drugged, and honestly I don’t think I ever truly healed from what happened.

About two and a half years ago, I got into a relationship with my girlfriend, who I genuinely love and can see myself spending my life with. But ever since the assault, I’ve barely been able to have sex. Between the trauma, antidepressants, and quetiapine (Seroquel), my libido has completely disappeared.

The problem is that as time passes, I feel more and more pressure around sex. Even if my girlfriend doesn’t always say things directly, I constantly feel like there’s an expectation. And because of that, the second anything intimate starts happening, I immediately shut down. It starts feeling mechanical, I get anxious, and I can’t experience intimacy naturally anymore.

The worst part is that I know I love her. This isn’t about lack of feelings. But sexually, I feel broken, and I’m starting to believe that maybe things will never unblock with her specifically because I now associate intimacy with pressure, anxiety, and failure.

I’ve recently realized how much this trauma still controls my life, and I’m willing to try anything to work through it because it’s ruining me mentally. I feel like I can’t have a “normal” relationship because the person in front of me understandably expects something from me, which makes me panic and shut down even more.

I moved to this city a year ago. I come from a small coastal town, and I moved to the biggest city in the country, mainly to be with my girlfriend, since it’s her hometown.

I work in tech. I code a lot. I like taking things apart, fixing them, understanding how they work, sometimes even breaking them just to rebuild them differently. Honestly, it’s often easier for me to understand machines than people.

I’m autistic, so social interactions take a lot of energy from me. I don’t really have the capacity for small talk or superficial conversations. I need sincerity, otherwise I just disconnect.

I genuinely tried to integrate, especially with my girlfriend’s friends. I made efforts, I opened up, I gave a lot of myself. But in the end, I never really found my place. The few people I met… I got attached, maybe too quickly, but it was never mutual. I always felt like I was on the outside.

And right now, everything is piling up. I’m going through a serious health issue, and at the same time, my relationship is falling apart. We’re basically in the process of breaking up.

I feel alone. Truly alone.

Sometimes it gets to the point where I find myself crying while talking to an AI, because it’s the only place where I can be completely honest without feeling judged or ignored.

I’ve tried Reddit multiple times, just to talk or meet people. But I mostly run into people with bad intentions or just looking for sex, and it makes everything feel even worse.

I’m tired. Tired of trying, tired of getting attached for nothing, tired of not belonging anywhere, especially at a moment where I need it the most.

I’m not looking for anything extraordinary. Just genuine connections. Just not feeling alone anymore.