This is gonna be a long one so hold on lol
So basically what the title says, I think I hate my mum with a passion and want to cut her off for good but then i get an overwhelming feeling of guilt about it at times and think im being dramatic so this post is a vent / advice / am I wrong to feel this way.
A bit of ( long ) backstory, Im M22 (Ftm currently in the middle of transitioning, comes up later) and grew up in foster care since I was about 2 months old because my parents where drug addicts and I had to go through withdrawals from heroin when I was born. I grew up with alot of other foster siblings (im in the middle) , some that were there for a short period and my foster parents biological children that then went and moved out as they were much older.
My foster dad was physically abusive towards the foster boys that i grew up with, one that has a severe speech impediment and is disabled ( Oppositional Defiant Disorder ODD ) and my other brother that has ADHD, I only remember being hit once but my memory about my childhood isnt great but the other boys copped it alot. My foster dad passed away when I was about 15, no support from my foster mum which I get as she then had to raise 9 other kids (most being disabled) after losing her husband.
Growing up, even before he passed, there was no emotional support at all, if we came to her in any emotional state we were essentially just yelled at and punished so i grew up just having to deal with my emotions on my own ( sucks ass as i had adhd and depression ) and it always felt like there was an unfairness between us kids, especially between how she treated her biological kids vs us foster kids. She was always yelling, to the point of getting up in my face multiple times, I cant even remember what about half the time but she was always so mean calling me a bitch and ungrateful and making comments saying im going to turn out like my biological mum. One of my most traumatic memories about her so you get the gist of what shes like, was when one of my class mates had passed away from cancer i wouldve been 16 and it was the day of her funeral, she was away on holidays so i was home alone with my older sister who refused to drive me and said i can just catch the bus to school ( I didnt want to as my whole year was going together dressed in white as her wish but id be the only one that went to school and i would be made to wear my uniform) so I was upset and crying and called my sister a bitch and she ran to mum complaining and I then got a call from my mum where she just went ooofffffff calling me all these names and saying im horrible and that now i cant go n all this shit that just made me have a panic attack.
Anyway fast forward to now, I moved out when i was 19 and kept minimal contact as i lived 6 hours away but still kept a good relationship. It was only then that i really kinda came to realised that how i was raised wasnt normal and it really took a toll on me. I recently moved back in with my mother ( 3 months ago now ) as she was diagnosed with Motor Neuron disease also known as ALS, so i quit my job and got an apprenticeship so i could spend time with her as the disease is unpredictable. Since moving down ive been severely depressed and remembered why I got the fuck away, ive been yelled at so much for such minor things and been having to leave the house hours at a time in order to get away and its bringing back traumatising memories and i feel fucked.
Ive been staying at my sisters for a bit as well, I was at my mums and she was watching tv so i was just standing there making comments just being like oh whats happening and damn why they pointing a gun at her head ( annoying i know i shouldve known better but i forgot to take my adhd meds and i was curious of what she was watching ) when she went off at me again yelling at me saying shit like " oh so i cant watch a show i have to be doing everything for everyone all the time" and " you just hop between houses using people and you think youre better than everyone" and all that stuff and she told me to get out but my sisters car was blocking mine in the driveway so she just told me to sit in my car till my sister leaves so i did.
That was the final straw for me so i put my two weeks in at work and am planning to move back to the coast, i cant live like that anymore, constantly on guard feeling unsafe and never knowing whats going to set her off and if ill even have a place to live if it gets to a bad point.
I made this post because since moving back and being back in the home i grew up in and back to her its really fucked me over and i feel sick and like i need to curl in a ball in my closet in order to feel at peace and safe again. Ive started to really hate my mother, with how she treats my siblings and what she let her husband do to us and how she talks and acts i just feel disgusted but then i feel so fucking guilty and that im just being dramatic and i just dont know what to do. I havent told her im leaving again and i just want to leave without saying and just never talk to her again but then i remember shes sick and dying and shes my mum and i need her even though shes never there for me how i need it and she makes me feel terrible i just feel so stuck.
sorry for the rant i just needed to get this out i think