u/EndTheSummer

I'm absolutely in love with this self portrait I made recently, especially bc I stopped doing art for the longest time after I graduated. It has so many little things in it, and deep layers to certain parts of it that I'd have to explain (if anyone's interested in the layers pls ask, I'd love to explain it). Me and my friends did this project together to help a friend learning to be an art teacher, and mine turned out clearly far more mentally ill looking than theirs did XD

https://preview.redd.it/2t500onqzozg1.jpg?width=2823&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bcec9812d1db4f04d896440be02f4965708aad7f

https://preview.redd.it/eqcx58elyozg1.jpg?width=2823&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4ac25f3f2ca9ee1e36994195cfff1af6e73217e0

I'm absolutely in love with this self portrait I made recently, especially bc I stopped doing art for the longest time after I graduated. It has so many little things in it, and deep layers to certain parts of it that I'd have to explain (if anyone's interested in the layers pls ask, I'd love to explain it)

Something I've gotten really bad at during these past few months is getting drunk or high after work every night (And ik neither is really good with having this disorder, and while idc as much about getting high, you can pry alcohol from my cold dead hands lmao) and not only was I calling out a good few times bc of a hangover, or having an emotion hangover the next day where I was the most irritable bitch all day at work, but I also just wasn't able to get anything done at night anymore bc I was inebriated. I've been trying really hard to stop drinking during the work week and keep it to the weekends only, but I've been regularly filling those nights where I'm not drinking with getting high. And I don't even love the feeling of being high, it fs affects me differently than my friends bc of all my disorders, and especially since it makes me eat more than I like, I just used it as a substitute for alcohol.

But I've had a few days recently where I actually stayed sober during the night and like... it's nice. It feels weird, and sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but I really need to start making myself stay sober during most nights, I think it'd be better for me. I've just kinda forgotten what it's like to not indulge in some sort of vice every night, so it's a bit difficult, and it'll probably take me a good few tries to make it a norm, but I am genuinely going to give it a try.

The music ive gotten into recently, I really relate to. A good number of their songs is so npd coded.

The Crane Wives, Emerson Woolf and the Wishbones, and Seb Lowe.

Fs try listening to Curses, Tongues and Teeth by the Crane Wives, Not a good woman, wouldnt it be funny, Too easy to kill by Emerson woolf and the wishbones, and im hateful im horrible I love you by seb Lowe. They have more npd coded ones but those are my faves.

I've had a numbness problem that's slowly getting worse. About 2 years ago I started noticing my hands falling asleep a lot, and it progressed to my hands and arms falling asleep more, then including my feet, then all the way up to my knees, then including huge chunks of my face on my worst days. It's random when it flares up, at first it only happened when I was in bed, then anywhere at home, then to in the car, and it's just started happening a bit at work too. A few months ago I fully collapsed in my bedrooms hallway because my legs gave out on me, and I had to lay there for a few minutes before my body even had the strength to get back up again. I've started calling flare up days my "numbness days". At first eating helped make it go away, at least when it was happening in my face, but eating isn't enough to get rid of it anymore. Getting up and moving around helps a bit, but only until I sit back down again. Ive gone to multiple doctors appointments at this point, and they still have no clue. I was supposed to go to a neurologist next, but haven't yet because of work.

Any ideas on why it might be happening would be much appreciated, and even more appreciated would be ideas on how to get it to go away when it's happening.

So I went to a music show last night, and I got beat the fuck up throughout the night. I'm completely masc passing, but I'm still very alternative, but thought considering it was a metal show, I didn't think anything of getting discriminated against. I got beat the fuck up at this show, so many guys punching me in the face, hitting me while I was fully on the side of the pit. There was this one big guy majorly targeting me for 3 sets, specifically punching me and kicking me in the face as much as he could even while the entire crowd around me was trying to push him back into the pit. I can take a punch, and give one back but got to the point where the entire crowd was pushing me behind them to stop him from hitting me.

And the thing is is that after all this, the friend that brought me was saying that it's just how violent pits got in that area got despite them not getting hit nearly as much as me. But something my roommate said after I got home got to me.

I fully pass as a guy, so I'm treated as a guy.

And she was stuck on this. That someone saw me, disliked me, and treated me as a guy. Someone who was much skinnier, more alternative than some clearly liked despite ALSO being at an alternative show, and took the opportunity to beat me up as much as he could. I have so many bruises, one of my fresh eyebrow piercings was knocked out and I had to save it by putting my tongue piercing through it hoping it won't get infected from it. It was to the point where random ass guys were coming up to me and asking if I was okay bc they saw how targeted I was being.

And I'm just wondering. Is this what being a guy means? That I get beat the fuck up bc a guy just don't like me by a single look? That other guys think it's okay to lay hands on me bc they think they can get away with it? This just isn't what I thought being a guy meant in my transition, and it's kinda getting to me a bit.