u/EmployerTrue4656

Background: I (F, 35) and my friend M (F, mid-30s) live in different countries but have been close for years. About a year ago we started talking about doing a big Japan trip together. For me it was a genuine bucket-list, dream-of-my-life trip. We agreed on rough timing and started loosely tossing around dates. A trip to Japan isn't a casual long weekend for me... it's months of saving, hoarding miles, lining up vacation days, and committing to a once-in-a-decade kind of plan. So when we started loosely talking dates, this was a big deal on my end.

The story: Then last fall things got rocky in M's relationship with her partner J. When that happened, M basically disappeared. Not just from me, but from our whole friend group. She'd watch our Instagram stories, so we knew she was alive, but messages went unanswered for weeks/months at a time. This is a known pattern with her: when something's going on in her personal life, she goes silent. When she resurfaces it's like nothing happened.

Meanwhile, my Japan trip was three months away, I had nothing booked, and I had no idea whether I had a travel partner or not. Given how much this trip cost me (money, miles, leave I'd been saving) I couldn't afford to wait around indefinitely on someone who wasn't responding. I gave up waiting and planned the entire thing solo: flights, hotels, itinerary, the works. I went during cherry blossom season so waiting was also not even an option.

Then in early February, out of nowhere, M popped back up. She told me she and J were "on a break but trying to work it out" and casually pivoted to "so what's the plan for Japan?", like the four months of silence hadn't happened.

Added context: When M and J first started dating, we took a weekend trip together (me and M). M spent most of it on video calls with J. I mean non-stop, at one point we were at a concert and they were on a video call. So I'd already lived through the "M in new-relationship with J mode on a trip" experience.

Back to the story: I sat with it for a day and then sent her a message saying, basically: I love you and I'm being honest because I care. I've decided to do Japan on my own. The last time things got uncertain in your life you disappeared on me, and I can't risk that again with a trip this important to me. I also know that if you and J get back together, your focus will (understandably) shift there, and I don't want to be on a once-in-a-lifetime trip feeling sidelined. This is me protecting my peace, not punishing you.

She replied within seconds. With a single heart emoji. Nothing else. No "I get it", no "I'm sorry", no "let's talk".

So — AITA for not waiting to see if she'd actually flake, and just taking her off the trip myself?

Background: I (F, 35) and my friend M (F, mid-30s) live in different countries but have been close for years. About a year ago we started talking about doing a big Japan trip together. For me it was a genuine bucket-list, dream-of-my-life trip. We agreed on rough timing and started loosely tossing around dates. A trip to Japan isn't a casual long weekend for me... it's months of saving, hoarding miles, lining up vacation days, and committing to a once-in-a-decade kind of plan. So when we started loosely talking dates, this was a big deal on my end.

Also relevant: I'm a seasoned solo traveler. I genuinely enjoy traveling alone and Japan is one of the easiest places in the world to do it (great public transit, safe, no shared car rental or anything that required a second person). So losing M as a travel partner wasn't a logistical problem. It was about whether I wanted the emotional baggage of wondering, the entire trip, whether she was actually going to show up.

The story: Then last fall things got rocky in M's relationship with her partner J. When that happened, M basically disappeared. Not just from me, but from our whole friend group. She'd watch our Instagram stories, so we knew she was alive, but messages went unanswered for weeks/months at a time. This is a known pattern with her: when something's going on in her personal life, she goes silent. When she resurfaces it's like nothing happened.

Meanwhile, my Japan trip was three months away, I had nothing booked, and I had no idea whether I had a travel partner or not. Given how much this trip cost me (money, miles, leave I'd been saving) I couldn't afford to wait around indefinitely on someone who wasn't responding. I gave up waiting and planned the entire thing solo: flights, hotels, itinerary, the works. I went during cherry blossom season so waiting was also not even an option.

Then in early February, out of nowhere, M popped back up. She told me she and J were "on a break but trying to work it out" and casually pivoted to "so what's the plan for Japan?", like the four months of silence hadn't happened.

Added context: When M and J first started dating, we took a weekend trip together (me and M). M spent most of it on video calls with J. I mean non-stop, at one point we were at a concert and they were on a video call. So I'd already lived through the "M in new-relationship with J mode on a trip" experience.

Back to the story: I sat with it for a day and then sent her a message saying, basically: I love you and I'm being honest because I care. I've decided to do Japan on my own. The last time things got uncertain in your life you disappeared on me, and I can't risk that again with a trip this important to me. I also know that if you and J get back together, your focus will (understandably) shift there, and I don't want to be on a once-in-a-lifetime trip feeling sidelined. This is me protecting my peace, not punishing you.

She replied within seconds. With a single heart emoji. Nothing else. No "I get it", no "I'm sorry", no "let's talk".

Current state of affairs: I went to Japan alone last month. It was perfect. But a couple of mutual friends have since told me I was harsh, that I "preemptively dumped her from the trip" instead of letting her actually show up or not. The friends who know both me and M well were 100% on my side. Their reaction was basically "if that had been me, I would have been freaking out way before you were".

So — AITA for not waiting to see if she'd actually flake, and just taking her off the trip myself?