My boyfriend and I have been living together 3 months, and tonight I boiled over about household responsibilities. I have been getting fed up with him not initiating tasks and constantly needing for me to ask him. So tonight I expressed my frustration, albeit in a probably not so healthy way, and asked for help with vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, and dusting because I am constantly taking initiative on these tasks. His dog sheds a lot so the vacuuming really needs to be done every other day.
After a long argument here’s what he says: he contributes enough. He does the dishes (we split these 50/50), walks the dogs (his dog is bigger than mine and he decides he must have a 90 min walk every day, whereas my dog can be fine with 15-30 min), he does maintenance tasks (we rent so nothing ongoing like lawn mowing, but so far he has put up some shelves, installed a doggy door- my dog won’t use them so it’s for his dog, built 2 raised garden beds, and built shelves for the basement which was a passion project of his). His big thing was that he buys most of the groceries and pays for most meals out.
He definitely grocery shops more because of his Costco membership, and his work is right next to one. I always make sure to ask him what I owe and usually he tells me an amount that is probably 35-40% of the share given he eats more than me, I cook more for us, and he makes more money. He makes $115k whereas I make $70k, although I’m about to get a raise. He does buy probably 80% of the meals out, which he has said he wants to do especially when we go on date nights. I’ve always been very appreciate of this and try to treat him for other meals, coffee, bringing treats home for him. For example on a recent vacation we definitely went at least 60/40 on food. We split rent and utilities 50/50.
As for what I do, I organize/tidy both of our stuff so we have an apartment we can feel comfortable in, plan and prepare 90% of meals- he makes smoothies in the morning because he wakes up before me, clean the entire house, keep track of bills, keep track of and order stuff that needs refilled such as toothpaste, soap, TP, etc.
I’ve tried talking to him about the mental load of my responsibilities and initiating tasks and we got into a heated argument where I said some not nice things about him being coddled - context he on and off lived with family until 2 years ago, and his family very much enabled his issues with being late, time blindness, and a general lax attitude about getting stuff done. The first time I met his mom 3 weeks into dating, she profusely apologized for him being late on our first date. I’ve come to accept some of these traits that come with severe ADHD but I’m starting to resent him for not trying harder and then tonight feels like the final straw. He went out with a friend and when he came home he started mocking me, asking me to tidy up a spot in our room, and acted like a completely different person until I broke from being so riled up from his mind games. He would not admit that he was messing with my head. Then after getting me so upset, he said he wanted to break up. Then he changed his mind, then changed his mind again. Then he said if I want to work on things he will too. I’m feeling whiplash and like idk what to do. We have other issues in our relationship- he can’t be emotionally intimate. Additionally, right before he moved in I found out he was jerking it to old nudes of his exes which has stirred up my insecurities to a new level and I’ve been cheated on before . So, yeah. Not going well. I want to believe we can fix these issues and try couples therapy but I can’t help but feel like this man is just a fucking man and will never understand.
Tl;dr: boyfriend doesn’t want to contribute to household chores and plays tit for tat with contributions