relationship struggles
before we get into this, i want to clarify that i am reaching out to people in my personal life for advice as well, i'm just not able to talk to any of them in this moment and i need to get this off my mind so i can stop ruminating. i am autistic and this is my first "real"/long term relationship if this adds important context
i (21f), have been with my boyfriend (26m) for a little under 2 years. we worked together and i developed a crush on him pretty quickly. i became, for lack of a better word, pretty obsessed with the idea of us being together. it was a pretty one sided crush, but we became friends and over the course of like 4 months got a lot closer to each other. just when i started to give up on the idea of us and began dating other people, he told me that he had feelings for me and that was that. we've been together since then and i was really happy for a really long time.
the main concern i have is that i no longer see my boyfriend as someone i want to be with forever. there's a variety of reasons for this, but the main ones are just that i feel like we want different things out of life and they don't really align. another main issue is that i am queer and the more i think about the idea of being with a man forever the more i feel... idk trapped? i know that he is a person who doesn't see the point of dating if its not to get married, and i used to hold that same philosophy but i dont think i do anymore. i'm young, i want to be able to go out and have fun and kiss girls and i can do some of that to an extent but a part of me just feels like im missing out on like the fundamental experience of being hot and fun in your early 20s yk? and i know im not running out of time by any means but i just am craving a change, which is unusual for me because i historically really hate change. and there is a huge part of me that definitely is afraid of all the changes that would ensue with us breaking up, like id have to buy a lot of new stuff because a lot of our shared stuff is stuff that is technically his. i also do love and care about him and i dont want to hurt him especially since this whole relationship was something that i really pursued and pushed for. the more i think about what it means and takes to be in a relationship the more i think im just not ready or mature/healed enough to be in one. i dont really know what im hoping to get out of posting this, but i just needed to get it off my chest