u/Electronic-Peak4190

I’d like to preface this with: I’m not necessarily looking for advice, just support and people who can relate to this pain I’m going through at the moment. It’s been 9 months since our child has been in my care…

I miss my kiddo dearly. I’ve visited 2 times, but they never allowed me to be alone with her FOR NO GOOD REASON… My crazy aunt told them if they brought her back home I would “Take that baby and run and they’d never see either of us again.” They believed her… with no good evidence to even back that claim up as that was not and has not ever been my intention. I want her to be in both of our lives.

So the court ordered us to come together and create a 50/50 parenting plan by a certain date. I have yet to see my daughter once since the court ordered this. We live in different states. His attorney refused to communicate with us other than saying “That won’t work” and “Due to travel costs, this plan won’t work”…

SHE NEVER OFFERED AN ALTERNATIVE…

On the deadline of filing for the parenting plan they filed around EOD a parenting plan with 191 limitations restricting me from anything more than 2-2 hr visits a week until she’s 3, and no overnights until she’s 5. Which is logistically impossible because I live in a different state. And if I’m unavailable for in-person visits I’m allowed FaceTimes… Gee Thanks…along with an appeal…. That was denied due to it being filed 6 days past the 30 day window allowed for appeals.

Court already stated in our hearing that the only limiting factor is distance. The court has already heard all of their BS claims with no concrete evidence to back them up. They did not make any findings of 191 limiting factors.

He’s claiming he can’t afford month on month off, but I know what I’ve spent in attorney fees due to his attorney dragging this out as long as possible, I can’t imagine what he’s paid at this point. HE CAN FIND A WAY TO AFFORD IT.

His mom and dad pay for all of his litigation (he’s in his mid-30s and still lives with them and I’m in my late-20s and live on my own in my own house), and with how much he’s spent at this point he could have bought plane tickets back and forth between both states for probably 10 years…

I’ve been no contact with my mom, and I’m struggling with the fact that I still miss her.

My mom has always had a pattern of not letting me solve my own problems. Somehow, my problems would become her problems, and then she would pressure me to handle them her way. If my way got hard, she would step in, take over, or push until I gave up and did it her way.

For a long time, I was framed as the kid who “never commits” or “always gives up.” But since cutting ties with my mom, I’ve noticed something: I actually can see things through now.

Examples being:
- I started a business based on an invention my mom essentially told me would go nowhere. I even applied for a patent and am now patent pending.
- I have a healthy relationship where we talk through issues instead of giving up and ending it.
- I continue to fight for what I believe in without second guessing myself like I did when she was in my life.

I’ve pushed through the hard parts, and even been successful doing so. It makes me wonder how much of my “quitting” came from constantly being pushed to become someone I wasn’t.

A while ago my I asked my mom why she let me skip out on recitals multiple times instead of pushing me to do them. She said “I didn’t think you could do it”. She told me this 2 years ago and it has stuck with me. I think about it often.

My sister recently told me my mom said she “doesn’t ever want to see me struggle.” On the surface, that sounds loving. But I’m realizing now that it wasn’t healthy. Struggle is where people grow. Struggle is where you learn to trust yourself. I think my mom secretly knew that “protecting” me from every hard thing was also keeping her in control of my life. I understand now that she likes being in control of me.

There are other patterns too. My mom tends to gossip and talk behind people’s backs. After she was laid off from her longtime job as a purchasing manager, she bounced from job to job. My sister suggested she apply at her work but said she couldn’t talk behind people’s backs. My mom basically responded with, “But I like to gossip. That’s just what I do.”

The hardest part is that my mom played a major role in my current custody situation. I had taken work out of town (as I had done for 3 years prior, it had been my main income all of those years) and left my child with her father in another state. After I did that, my mom started telling his family that I wasn’t a good mother and that they should keep my child there instead of returning her to me. My aunt also got involved and said, “If you give that baby back to her, she will take her and run. You’ll never see either of them again,” even though I had never said or done anything to suggest that.

Because of all of this, I have been separated from my child for months while dealing with court.

Now, apparently, my mom has shifted her tune. My sister told me my mom said this has gone on long enough. She said she now knows what it feels like to not have her own daughter in her life, and she thinks they should stop all of this and let me have my daughter back.

And that’s where I’m struggling.

Part of me wants to believe this means she understands what she did. Part of me wants to reach out and ask her what changed. But another part of me knows my mom has a long pattern of emotional immaturity, gossip, control, and playing both sides.

One thing that really stuck with me was something my child’s paternal grandmother mentioned in a declaration. She said my mom told them I am “just as manipulative as my father.” I’ve never seen my dad as manipulative. But I do feel like I was manipulated by my mom. She never told me she was saying things to my child’s father’s family about my ability to care for my child. She was telling them one thing while still acting differently toward me, and those comments were later used against me in court.

I guess the reason I’m posting is because I’m wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

Have you ever cut off an emotionally immature parent but still missed them?

I keep hoping this is all some big misunderstanding. I have my mom blocked on everything, but she can still email me. Part of me wants to reach out and say, “I heard you’ve had a change of heart. Care to elaborate?”

I spoke to my cousin, who cut off that side of the family years ago, she thinks I should keep my distance, because they will never change. Not permanently at least. They’ll change just long enough to weasel their way back in and gain your trust.

When I think about missing my mom, I find myself thinking: what do I actually miss?

So much of our relationship was me walking on eggshells. I never knew what mood she would be in. Some days she wanted to be super grandma. Other days, she made my life miserable if I asked for her help.

I miss having a mom, but I don’t think I miss the reality of having her in my life.

For those of you who have gone no contact with an emotionally immature parent, how did you deal with missing them? How did you know whether reaching out was actually a good idea, or just temporary emotions pulling you back in?