u/El_Hoxo

I don't feel like its possible to quantify the disdain for life and the act of being, it makes me wish I could press a button and be erased down to the molecule and memory. It doesn't feel like I’ve ever had an opportunity, I was created with expectations that I’d never fill and wasted all 27 years of it. There’s not a single thing worth doing or looking forward to in this world, and I despise that everyone around me gets to be happy and normal and functioning while I live as a metal monster with a pool of acid inside me that slowly hollows me out.

Sometimes I think the couple friends I manage to keep worry I'd do something drastic, but I wouldn’t do anything to myself anyway. I don't trust the people around me not to use anything that happens to me to further their own social status, I don’t think me being around will affect them, and so I remain around out of spite. I couldn’t make myself even if I did feel like it. It doesn't really matter.

I sit here at 1:11AM knowing I have to be up in less than three hours for one of my two only shifts this week, but that doesn't matter either. I barely sleep anymore. I can't remember the last time I've felt safe or comfortable. My mind is a whirlwind of complexes and fears I've developed from abandonment and trauma, and I will forever remain all the worse for it.