Storytime: PAWS is annoying, but the lessons might have been worth it
Just wanna vent a bit and tell my story!
I (29F) am now 15 months off (jumped at Jan 2025) and had been using xanax for circa 22 months from April 2023 till November 2024. First 2 months I binged between 6-8mg a day. I had one two month addiction episode in summer 2022 as well, which I managed to quit without PAWS.
You may or may not ask yourself: what is the reason for doing that to yourself again? Up until April I managed to incidentally take a benzo without a symptom, but when I signed off work due to a health issue (carpal tunnel), I pretty much went off the hinge and for some godforsaken reason, felt like abusing stimulants for a week. But when I realised I was also on a week of taking xanax (to come down and not freak tf out) I was too afraid to stop taking it, because I was very neurotic about seizures (my ex had a few due to benzo abuse). Not knowing that at a week in it's highly likely just rebound anxiety you are feeling.
I first tapered with my GP down to 1mg in weeks and then the day I took my last 1 mg, I got a tonic-clonic seizure on the plane (woopie). I was sober for like half a week on my holiday, I drank some alcohol on that holiday as well (not knowing that screws heavy with GABA as well). When I got home and I felt anxiety, not knowing about kindling and rebound anxiety, I took one of my leftover xanax, afraid I was gonna seize again (should have just sat it out tbh). Later at the GP they reinstated me at 1mg, which I managed just over half a year, but got "interdose withdrawals" I guess and started taking 3x 0.5mg over half a day. I would also sometimes replace it with up to 2.5mg bromazolam instead, especially if I lost a blister or took too much tbh, which also happened pretty regularly. I would take up to 0.5mg extra when I felt extra anxiety, because in my head that meant risk of seizing and tbh it's also super easy to have an off-button and just not deal with your emotions. That's also kinda low-key why I binged that much in the beginning, because I didn't want to be emotionally present during the shitty relationship I was in, the consequent break-up, my own shitty ass life that was going nowhere and mental health waiting lists to top it all off.
So anyway, I tried to take responsibility for my own misery, but my GP rightfully, didn't feel like tapering me anymore and at that point it was just waiting until I got into detox. In the end my dose was 1.25mg of bronazolam (but with RC benzos do you even really know?) and 0.5mg of xanax a day or so? They tapered me in two months there, they immediately put me on 8mg valium, which felt like hell and in two months I dropped in 1mg increments to zero. Well the taper felt decent, but the moment, around 4 days later when the last leftover valium left my system (?) hell broke loose. I was in the middle of my CGT-based, addiction therapy group and I suddenly felt more overstimulation than I did in years. Many more times, I had to step outside for the same reasons.
In daily life, I was overtired, I had strong anxiety, everything just felt like too much, I had slight depression, moderate anhedonia, low motivation, except some to continue therapy and stay sober. But daily life was hard to live, especially the first three months. Someone chatted with me (somewhat one-sided) and the rest of the day I was overstimulated AF and just beside myself! I had to get home feeling the worst overstimulation ever, it was like my battery had short-circuited. The first time I finished a HIIT class I ended up having chest pain that felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest for the entire evening, but doctors, as they do, perhaps correctly, chalked it all up to "just anxiety" and said that I was literally right out of the acute phase, so it could not have been related to the taper at all (which they said was really slow). Also honorary shoutout to around the 3 month mark where I felt pressured to consume 7 units of alcohol at my friend's housewarming and the Monday after exactly the same happened again after a gym session, but atleast this time I knew I just *felt* like I was dying so no doc called and just sat that one out.
Anyway, 15 months later, no relapses (except two accidental alcoholic beer consumptions) after circa 11 months life feels, atleast livable again. I am in a pretty stable mood most of the time, still a bit more easily anxious than I was even before benzos, but manageable. I also have sufficient energy and motivation to live daily life and to keep up with my life, although I still don't have that same hyperfocus I used to have. Caffeine, lack of sleep, overstimulation and even small amounts of alcohol (but somehow only 2-3 days later?) can still be big triggers. I still feel more sensitive than I ever was, but it's all somewhat avoidable. It just sucks that that I still get triggered more easily into very overstimulated, overtired states than I even remember before I abused benzos. But atleast they are getting rare. Through all this I can count on one hand the nights of sleep I lost though! I am very, very lucky with that one! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to mean a speedy recovery!
Through all of this I gained so many regulation skills, emotional insights and resillence that I would have not gained supressing my emotions. I managed to get sober, am at the 9 month mark of MBT-therapy, working again and disovered how much of a rock my current partner is (so blessed I met him). Maybe, it was the price I needed to pay.
Only thing that remains annoying that no medical professional, here in NL atleast, seems to know/recognize or anything about PAWS, long term effects of benzos or kindling and it's all just anxiety to them. But chicken and the egg I guess, I already had the anxiety to the point I felt like taking them. So what's new?
Anyway keep soldiering on warriors ❤️ Hope even one person finds this long ass rant even a bit relatable and helpful!