u/Educational_Boss_260

as the title suggests. i am so. horrified. of the idea of gaining weight. esp when my thinness is considered conventionally attractive. ppl would tell me i've become a lot slimmer and look amazing in clothes. now i can fit into stuff i once thought were too tiny. but if i even start eating my normal three meals to not be hungry anymore--without snacks and without feeling overly satiated--by calorie count i would gain weight and that scares me so much, esp since my weight tends to show up in the most unflattering places, like my face and upper body.

can someone maybe give some advice on how u dealt with that? again the loss of an attractive body image i toiled so much to gain is so scary

apologies for the convoluted and ungrammatical writing; english is not my first language.

this is a rant... but please can anyone give me any advice

so i'm currently in the first yr of high school (15F) and i'm struggling in my relationship with food. i'm underweight, tormented by constant food noise, and obsessed with calorie counting. i'd try to skip meals whenever i can, and when this becomes impossible eating at home, i'd feel super guilty and spend hours searching up calorie counts. but i also feel uncontrolled before food sometimes, and i would fail to eat at the mental portions i allotted myself. i'd finish my entire serving and go for more cuz of uncontrollable hunger at the time, but after every such meal, guilt will again take over me. however because of arduous schoolwork i haven't time to engage in purging behavior of any kind; but to be completely honest, i wish this isn't the case because i would love to immediately make up for large meals.

the thing is, i know this is an issue. i know this is obstructing me from optimized performance in academics and physical and mental health. i know this is toxic and time consuming. but i really cannot stop.

every time, like today, i eat more than my maintenance, i panic and feel like sht. i love my body image right now for its slimness and i am haunted by the thought that it'll disappear if i attempt to recover.

i also don't know how to properly begin. i am mortally afraid of gaining weight and losing my current body. i find the idea of seeking professional help daunting as this is not readily available where i'm living.