u/Economy-Fill-7358

I apologize in advance because this is mostly me venting and hoping to hear from others who’ve been through something similar.

I’m Asian (non-desi) by birth but raised in a Western country, and I’m married to a Pakistani man. I think I’m finally reaching the point where I want to go NC with my MIL.

A few weeks ago, my mother (who lives overseas) came to visit us for a week. When my MIL found out, she became extremely upset because my mom didn’t call her to “thank her.” In my MIL’s mind, this is her son’s house, so apparently my mother was supposed to thank her for allowing the visit.

She started yelling that I’m not just married to my husband, but to the entire family, that I’m disrespectful, and that I don’t understand Pakistani culture. She also said my mother and I should respect her because I “live happily because of her son.” I stayed quiet and let her yell at me for 10–15 minutes for my husband’s sake. I also apologized multiple times for upsetting my MIL and FIL, despite honestly not feeling like we had done anything wrong.

For context, there were already many issues from his family’s side before we got married. My MIL was even cut off from some relatives because she “allowed” this marriage, which I’ve honestly carried guilt about for years.

Because of that guilt, I really tried to build a good relationship with her. I call often, stay at their house for long periods when possible, let her stay with us for weeks, wear Pakistani clothes, participate in family customs, and genuinely try to respect cultural differences.

The problem is that everything is fine only when things go exactly her way.

The moment something doesn’t, she becomes extremely emotional and starts accusing me and my family of disrespecting them. My husband always tries to explain that some things are just cultural differences, but her response is always:

“I don’t believe you. Your wife and her family are disrespectful.”

And honestly, if she doesn’t believe her own son, there’s no point in me defending myself because she sees that as “talking back.” She also clearly believes her family is superior to mine because:

• My family is not Muslim
• My mother is a single mom
• Nobody in my family is a doctor, while several people in hers are (including my husband)

When we got married, she constantly reminded me how “lucky” I was to marry a doctor.

What frustrates me most is the assumptions. My family actually owns a successful business, and I’m a software engineer myself. Financially, we are completely fine. Meanwhile, my MIL has never worked and has little sense of money management. She tends to spend excessively on gifts for relatives and friends to maintain appearances. My FIL is in significant debt supporting relatives in Pakistan and paying for expensive medical educations for the kids.

I was raised never to judge people based on money or status, so I honestly feel embarrassed even mentioning this. I’m only bringing it up because she genuinely treats me like I’m some kind of gold digger who should feel grateful to marry into their “wealthy” family.

I tend to avoid confrontation and have let hurtful comments slide, but I think that’s been interpreted as weakness and things have only gotten worse over time. At the same time, I feel a lot of guilt even considering going NC even though part of me feels it may be necessary for my own peace.

Thanks for reading this looong post haha. I’d really appreciate hearing from others who have gone LC or NC with in-laws:

1. How did it affect your relationship with your spouse?
2. Did the guilt fade over time?
3. If you have children, do they still have a relationship with the in-laws?
4. Did distance improve your mental health, or did it make things more complicated?

Hello everyone, I just need some advice on whether it’s reasonable to go LC or even NC with my in-laws.

A little background: I’m a non-desi woman married to a Pakistani man. We deeply love each other, no kids, and we live separately from both families.

A few days ago, my MIL and FIL got very upset because my mom didn’t call them while she was visiting us from overseas and staying at our house for a week. My husband and I genuinely didn’t know this was expected. My mom has only met them twice, and honestly both experiences left a bad impression because my MIL made sarcastic comments in front of both families.

The first time she said, “Your daughter is very lucky to marry my son.”

The second time she said, “Your daughter still hasn’t learned anything even after being married to my son for so many years.”

My family let it slide for my sake, and I also ignored it for my husband’s sake.

This time, my MIL said it was disrespectful that my mom didn’t call them because, in her view:

1. “Her daughter (me) is living happily because of my son,” and
2. Families should maintain close relationships.

I called them to apologize and explain that we honestly didn’t realize this was such a big deal. Instead of a calm conversation, she yelled at me for 10–15 minutes straight saying I don’t understand Pakistani values, that I should read books about Islam to learn proper family dynamics, and also brought up that I still haven’t given them grandkids.

The confusing part is that when things are good, they can actually be very kind to me. She cooks my favorite food, they always try to make me comfortable when I visit, etc. But whenever something doesn’t go their way, it feels like all the resentment comes out.

My husband agrees they were shockingly rude and said he’d understand if I wanted distance from them. At the same time, he explained that in their culture children usually don’t talk back to parents, even when the parents are wrong, and that the husband’s family is often seen as having a “higher” position than the wife’s family.

I personally find that mindset toxic, especially the way they look down on my family, but I’m also wondering if I’m overreacting or being immature by considering LC/NC over this.

Would especially appreciate insight from people familiar with Pakistani culture/family dynamics.

Hello everyone, I just need some advice on whether it’s reasonable to go LC or even NC with my in-laws.

A little background: I’m a non-desi woman married to a Pakistani man. We deeply love each other, no kids, and we live separately from both families.

A few days ago, my MIL and FIL got very upset because my mom didn’t call them while she was visiting us from overseas and staying at our house for a week. My husband and I genuinely didn’t know this was expected. My mom has only met them twice, and honestly both experiences left a bad impression because my MIL made sarcastic comments in front of both families.

The first time she said, “Your daughter is very lucky to marry my son.”

The second time she said, “Your daughter still hasn’t learned anything even after being married to my son for so many years.”

My family let it slide for my sake, and I also ignored it for my husband’s sake.

This time, my MIL said it was disrespectful that my mom didn’t call them because, in her view:

1. “Her daughter (me) is living happily because of my son,” and
2. Families should maintain close relationships.

I called them to apologize and explain that we honestly didn’t realize this was such a big deal. Instead of a calm conversation, she yelled at me for 10–15 minutes straight saying I don’t understand Pakistani values, that I should read books about Islam to learn proper family dynamics, and also brought up that I still haven’t given them grandkids.

The confusing part is that when things are good, they can actually be very kind to me. She cooks my favorite food, they always try to make me comfortable when I visit, etc. But whenever something doesn’t go their way, it feels like all the resentment comes out.

My husband agrees they were shockingly rude and said he’d understand if I wanted distance from them. At the same time, he explained that in their culture children usually don’t talk back to parents, even when the parents are wrong, and that the husband’s family is often seen as having a “higher” position than the wife’s family.

I personally find that mindset toxic, especially the way they look down on my family, but I’m also wondering if I’m overreacting or being immature by considering LC/NC over this.

Would especially appreciate insight from people familiar with Pakistani culture/family dynamics.