I’ve been in a situationship for a few months with a girl (me 25M and she 23F) I care about deeply, and it’s become one of the most confusing emotional experiences of my life.
On one hand, the connection is incredibly real. We spend nights together, cuddle, and have deep emotional intimacy. She’s cried in my arms and has told me that I am the "best person" in her life and that I’m "perfect." Even her friends see it—she’s told me three separate times that her friends have told her point-blank she should just date me.
But when it comes to actually making it official, she pulls back. Her reasoning is that she’s recently gone through a lot of trauma and loss—specifically involving an ex and her best friend. She says she’s terrified of dating me because she’s convinced that if we "start" a real relationship, it will eventually end, and she’ll lose me forever. In her mind, keeping me in this "limbo" status is a way to protect what we have.
The problem is that while she claims I’m the "best person" and she's "scared to lose me," her behavior is inconsistent and, frankly, hurtful. She still entertains attention from other guys on social media/Telegram and avoids defining boundaries. It feels like she wants the safety and intimacy of having me as her "person," but she’s using her fear of loss as an excuse to avoid the commitment and respect that comes with a real relationship.
I’m starting to feel used and disrespected. It’s like I’m being "penalized" for being a great guy—she won’t date me because I’m "too good to lose," but meanwhile, she’s keeping doors open for others and leaving me in constant anxiety.
Also, something happened tonight that pushed me to write this. Earlier, she was reposting reels about situationships and guys who only want something casual in front of me, which honestly felt unfair and almost directed at me, because from my point of view I’m not the one avoiding something real. Then later she was warm again, attached, soft with me, and acting in that very emotionally close way she often does. That’s exactly what makes this so hard to deal with — she can be incredibly affectionate, comforting, and attached to me, like I’m genuinely her person, and then in other moments she does things that make me feel blamed, confused, or kept at a distance. The warmth is real, the attachment feels real, but the inconsistency is what’s messing with my head.
I’m not asking if she likes me—I think she does. What I want to know is: how do you deal with this type of person?
○ How do you set boundaries with someone who uses their "trauma" or "fear of loss" as a reason to keep you in limbo?
○ Is it possible to move someone like this toward consistency, or is the "you're too perfect to date" just a permanent defense mechanism? ○ Do I need to walk away to show her that she's losing me anyway because of her inconsistency, or is there a way to handle this with "warmth" while still protecting my self-respect?
I’m exhausted from giving relationship-level energy to someone who uses my value as a reason not to commit to me. Any advice on how to navigate this?