u/EatingTrolls101

I know my therapist didn’t meant too but I feel like my trauma is once again invalidated. I was having to scale it and to me it’s like a 0 because when I think about what happened I feel nothing. I know it affects me but I can’t access the my emotions. Sometimes I can and I will quickly bawl but then it’s cut off in like a minute and I am back to feeling nothing. They basically made me feel like because it’s not like a 10 we aren’t able to do the processing. I felt like he wasn’t getting it, like with happened to me it was extremely fucked up and has changed my whole relationship with my parents but mostly my father but like I CANT FEEL ANYTHING. It just wasn’t really clicking and I went back to a place of feeling like maybe I am too sensitive and I shouldn’t act like it was such a bad thing.

For context, my father was threatening to remove me from this earth in a drunken blind rage and it ended up with me having to climb out of my window and run to get help from the neighbours. It was just us home that night and after that day nobody ever talked to me or brought it up and my father never apologized. I was left to deal with that alone at 16.

Idk if I am being too sensitive but I feel like shit now and so confused on how and what I should feel about that incident.

Also EMDR is no longer a option because of my scaling issues

I have a very hard time understanding how to rate my feelings out of 10 . It doesn’t really make sense to me besides being a 1 /5/10 and all the number in between are so hard to really understand how they would show up accurate in a “feeling” experience. I am Autistic so that might be why but still it doesn’t work for me either way. I was thinking that I could suggest using a traffic light as a way to scale where I am emotionally? Like

RED = very bad/ disturbed

YELLOW = less disturbed more like it’s uncomfortable but not overwhelming

GREEN= good no emotional distress

Would that be okay to ask my therapist? Or would that even work for EMDR? I’m just starting tomorrow so I don’t know much

I just made a connection and I don’t have therapy till Tuesday and I don’t know if I should even bring it up because I have shame around some of what I will be sharing, so I thought I would share it with strangers

I think the reason therapy has felt very strong and all encompassing and the reason why I think about my T a lot and why I think about them just witnessing me do regular things is really just deeply based on wanting someone to WANT to get to know me and to see me. Acknowledging the fact I do pay them, having someone care like a therapist does still feels so good and when I am having days where they’re more on my brain, I can see how that is just related to having not feeling seen or not feeling like my parents wanted to really get to know me and still don’t.

Maybe when I have those moments of wanting my T to witness the more mundane moments could be because when I am by myself doing errands, something so basic , it’s that part of me that just craves for my parents to even know the basic parts of me. Like what I like to eat, the music I listen to and so on. ( knowledging that my parents do know some of those things but I have really noticed that they act surprise when they hear basic things about me )

We have definitely talked about my wounds around that but I never connected that those strong persistent thoughts that do take up apart of my everyday thinking space , and that real need of just wanting them to even just witness me in the grocery store would be connected to that parental wound.

Would this type of personal experience/feeling but considered in the category of anxious attachment? ( I have anxious attachment )

Also what do I even do with this realization? I am cured? Joking of course

I’m about to start EMDR with my online therapist ( working together for 2 years ) and I am feeling nervous because of how my brain works.

To preface I am audhd. I struggle with memory recall and I also struggle with feeling numb emotionally in my sessions and really haven’t cried at all since working with them ( in session ). I’m a very emotional person outside of therapy and able to cry.

I know they are wanting to target a specific traumatic memory of mine but I don’t feel anything towards it now. I actually feel emotionally blank looking back at it or any bigger moments that have affected me. It’s not like these things didn’t mess me up but I just can’t unlock feeling towards it. I’m afraid of not doing this process correctly or being locked out of myself and not being able to do the work right. I don’t want frustrate my therapist and I just want to fix myself but I’m afraid that will all make me not be able to do it. I also over think everything and feel like when I’m asked to sit with it or stay with that certain memory, the only thing in my brain will be the sounds of my therapist voice saying those exact words.