I don't know anymore.
I have work bullying issues. Even when my bully ((?) Idk if I'm exaggerating anymore, even though I know she had issues with being a bully before) does nothing, I feel like I'm trying to stop a bomb from going off. I was stopped from going to work for the third time in a month, and my doctor won't let me go back until I am "significantly better", mentally speaking.
I have urges to cry over everything (yesterday, we had a party at work for the patients, I wanted to cry from being touched kindly by a colleague. Hell, I nearly cried the other day because someone joked my new cut made me look like Dora the Explorer. I still wanna cry thinking about it and it's been 2 days. It's ridiculous.).
I ended up crying during the party, was caught by a colleague I get along with, I told her I'd talk to a superior about everything tomorrow, she told on me, superior caught me while I was trying to flee work after my shift ended... It was stupid. We talked and that's how I ended up going to the doctor and stopping work earlier than anticipated.
When I don't cry, I mostly feel numb/empty/floaty
I have no motivation, though I do still enjoy music, hanging with friends...
Eating is hard. I either eat a lot in one go, or eat almost nothing at all. Hell, my boss knows because I told him, and I suspect he or my friend told some colleagues because the other day I didn't eat much and a random colleague who doesn't even like me that much went: "you're not eating? Why?" and my friend went: "No worries! I'm watching, she got her entree and she'll have dessert". I mean: it's nice to have someone worry, I guess, but also why?
Sleeping is an issue. I can sleep a literal 17 hours straight and still feel exhausted and ready to go back to sleep after 5 hours up. Or I sleep two hours a night. Depends.
I have suicidal spikes? They come in waves, appear and disappear real fast, and I don't know if they're real or me exaggerating... I mean: I am looking at windows and have put myself in positions where I could do something, I imagine how it would go, what I'd say to who, what music I'd listen to, but I don't think I'd do anything, and they disappear after like two yt shorts + I'm too much of a coward to go through. And my mind is set on "jumping", but if I wanted to do it, I have pills and a knife at home, so if it was serious, surely I'd consider these?
I also have urges to just drop myself on the bed? Like rehearsal? But I don't do it, so... It just feels childish...
I don't know anymore.
Doc said he'd try to hook me up with a psychiatrist soon. + my mom's doctor apparently put me on meds that don't play good with the meds I was already on, so maybe that made me worse? Doc is checking and will keep me updated.
Also, I learned today one of the main "bully's" sycophant, aka: One of the reasons I'm in that bad a state in the first place, is complaining that I'm skipping work again... Yah, fuck you, Lottie (not her real name).
My head is a mess, I don't know anything: how I feel, if I'm really getting harrassed, if I'm dramatizing, if I'm really terrible at my job, I mean: she's mostly criticizing me, it's not that bad... if I'm really suicidal or dramatizing, if I'm paranoid or if my "bully"s friends are playing too... I don't know. I feel like a liar or attention seeker.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm just rambling + need help figuring out what my deal is. Feeling like a dumb kid.
I guess I'm reassurance seeking? Sorta? Anyone else feel like this at all?