u/DuskVeil9

I debated posting this because I don't like ranting, usually it concludes to nothing. Thay said, I am trying to heal from what happened to me, I am trying to own my own story instead of letting it own me.

So, I felt like this would be a safe space to share it and begin doing that. When I was abused I told my aunt, she said "that's what boys do, I told you not to go in his room" like it was my fault for wanting to be a kid and play with toys. I told my friends, but they accused me of lying instead of hearing my pain and supporting me. So I shoved my story down, I allowed it to control me, change my being, and affect my life to the point I had lost who I was.

I hoped to find others who would understand, who would support me and tell me it wasn't actually my fault, who would tell me I was a CHILD and not something that should have been seen as sexual.

Instead, my post got a 50% down vote. That means half of readers either thought my post was not serious enough, was a lie, or not worthy to be shared. 50% of people on a page that is supposed to be supportive, inclusive, understanding, and accepting did not believe my story.

As someone who has not been believed since day 1, this hurt me more than I thought it would. This hurt me more that it probably should have, but it was just a reminder to the words said that day.

I am tired of not being believed, and I am starting to think there is no true safe space for people who suffered from sexual abuse. I had to fight my cousin off of me at the age of 8, no 8 year old should ever have to do that, but I DID.

I DID say something, but it never mattered anyway. I am going through steps to heal, and I was told I should try and open up to my parents. I am not ready for that, not sure if I will ever be, so I am opening up here.

I was sexually abused by my older cousin and another family member when I was 8 years old. I can still remember the weight of him on top of me, my little muscles working so hard to push him off, my voice and body have never felt more weak than they did at that moment. I can still hear his voice saying "why are you upset? If I'm not inside you, you won't get pregnant." As if that mattered.

But I didn't give up fighting, I pushed until he had enough and got off of me. Perhapes he did finish, I'm not even sure. I ran upstairs and told my aunt what he had done, and I was returned with a small laugh and a "that's what boys do, I told you not to stay in his room". Mind you, I was in there playing with toys thinking I was safe with one of my most favourite cousins in the world. When I went to school that next week, I tried telling my best friend and was met with "that didn't happen to you, don't make up lies."

It lead me to believe that's just what girls were meant for. I shoved the memory so deep inside me, resulting in me never truly valueing myself. Depression, becoming closed-off, allowing abusive people around me (sexual, emotional, mental). I changed that day, I lost so much of the happy child that I was. The worst part, I still love my aunt who hurt me and allowed me to be hurt. How?! I don't get it. Sexual abuse scars people, and when someone tries to SAY SOMETHING, you need to try to believe them. Please, for the sake of their whole being, just try. I have just begun opening this wound up, and there are still parts that I can not come to terms with.