Disclaimer: Emotional abuse is a real issue that happens to too many people. If that's what you're experiencing please speak to someone.

I try not to lurk here too often for my own mental health, but something I often see is the term "emotional abuse". Like I said, I know it IS a real thing, and it does happen to too many people, but these days it's as overused as "narcissist". And I do mean broadly-speaking., but people just don't have a clear understanding of what it is.

According to Psychology Today:

>Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual to control them. The individual's reality may become distorted as they internalize the abuse as their own failings.

And according to UT Dallas:

>Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is psychological rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse, constant criticism, intimidation or more subtle tactics, such as manipulation, or constant displeasure with you. It is an ongoing process in which an individual diminishes and erodes the self-esteem of another. ...

When I see people talk about emotional abuse, whether it's here or IRL, it's so vague, or just revolves around being upset by someone's behavior. And I think a lot of examples are just unhealthy patterns (distant, poor communication, unreliability, etc.), which are not ok, but there's also a fine line between those behaviors and abuse. Such as using distance as a weapon, or learned incompetence.

For my own experience, my ex expressed she felt my behavior "feels" emotionally abusive, and then days later came back with "is emotionally abusive", while mentioning that her therapist "had been telling her for months" that my "behavior was abusive". I talked to our joint therapist about this, and even she doesn't seem clear on what my ex means (but it's not her job to validate either of us, just help us with communication).

I don't think she was wrong for leaving. Because if that's what she truly felt, than staying in our shared home will not make things better. But I don't think she was right for calling be abusive either. I've spent countless hours ruminating on my behavior and my actions, and many sessions with my therapist. To the point that for the first time in my long(ish) life, I feel guilt and shame for wanting to find romance.

I know she has had past experience with abuse (verbal, physical, and even SA), so I have always been intentional with my words, not to put her down, devalue her, or criticize her as a person/wife. and though I have my own issues, I have never intentionally taken out my frustrations on her or tried to punish her.

Now, this might read as a bitter and cynical ex-husband whose wife left him. And you could be might be probably are right, but I'm also in regular therapy for it.

Parking-Lot Guru, Out!

Disclaimer: I'm a reservist so legal services aren't as accessible as they are for the active folks.

I'm in the mediation process with my wife. She initiated the separation/divorce in September, but it feels like she's dragging her feet through the process (I assume it's to take advantage of the health insurance before she loses it). She left after 9yrs of marriage (this coming June will be 10). I consulted a lawyer at the start who recommended filing before we reached 10 because "that's when she's entitled to a lot more of your pension". But for the life of me, I can't figure out what changes.

From what I've seen, there's no hard/fast rule for how much of your retirement an ex-spouse is entitled to. But after 10yrs they're entitled to direct payment, as opposed to me sending her monthly payments.

From what I've read, it's "typically" 50% for every year we were married. As upset with her as I am, I still want to give her what she's entitled to and make sure she's taken care of (we also have two kids).

My question: What's so significant about 10yrs of marriage that I should consider filing before we reach that time?

I've always been the type of person that was ok on my own, so I never felt alone. This is due to having a close friend/support group, even if it's just a few people. These days, I have my kids 60/40 (me), and my best friend rents a room 50% of the week.

Even with that, I miss having that person to hold or to hold me each night. I don't necessarily miss my ex, who she is now isn't the same person I married/fell in love with, and her pettiness has helped my feelings for her fade. And it's been 8 months since she left. I've thought about dating, but who has the time with full-time work and kids on the weekend. I know I'm still young(ish) (36), and it might be better in the long run that she left, but damn that empty bed sucks sometimes.