u/Due-Recording3827

How do we feel about donations to charity in lieu of wedding favors? Practical and heartfelt or gauche and rude?

My fiance has participated in a cancer fundraising ride for many years, including prior to his own cancer diagnosis a couple of years ago. He recently completed treatment, and we are considering making a donation to that cause in our guests' honor as a wedding favor. This would be a nice way of supporting a cause that means a lot to us, and prevent a situation where favors might be unused or left behind. But I haven't seen that done lately, and want to be sure we aren't making some sort of etiquette mistake by not sending guests home with a "thing".

I've been with FI for over 5 years, recently got engaged. I have two kids (8 and 13) and he has two kids (16 and 18). We each have 50/50 custody, although his oldest is in college. We still live apart, and have yet to blend households.

My FI has a very high conflict, controlling ex, and unfortunately his kids show a lot of signs of being byproducts of that situation. They have behavioral issues and are very poorly adjusted socially; they are rude to me and their dad on the regular. His son has rage issues, his daughter is extremely manipulative. They both have obvious loyalty bonds to their mother. FI has done a lot of work to heal from their relationship and set boundaries to protect himself and his kids, but a lot of damage has been done.

On the flip side, I have a pleasant and stable coparenting relationship with my XH. My kids are generally well adjusted, kind, respectful kiddos and have a great relationship with FI. They consider him a stepdad already. We aren't perfect obviously, but in general my home is peaceful and we enjoy spending time together as a family.

It seems like the best solution is to wait to move in together until his youngest son graduates high school and goes to college, which would be about a year after we get married. I'm afraid that forcing this transition would destabilize his son even more, and don't want to make the situation worse for him. Selfishly, I'm feeling protective of my own kids, their childhoods, and the peace we enjoy as a family. It's sad - I love my FI, and I love his relationship with my kids, and the financial and emotional stress of running my household alone is not what I envisioned for myself. But I think given the circumstances, its the best option.

What advice do you all have for me? I know many people say that these problems don't go away when stepkids grow up, and other than having frank discussions with FI about our policy on adult children living with us, I don't know how else to prepare for that. What else should I know? I'm open to practical advice on how to structure households, but also emotional advice on how to care for myself, kids, relationships. Thank you!