disclaimer: Please don’t reduce this to “leave” or “stay and fight.” This situation is really complex and emotionally layered, and I’m not looking for moral judgment toward either of us. I genuinely need thoughtful outside perspective because I feel emotionally exhausted and confused. I’ll try to explain everything as honestly as possible. Thank you.
I have a year and a half long relationship with my girlfriend. She is mature, kind, honest, smart person (trust me she is objectively a better person than most people I meet, not saying she’s perfect because she has her moments). For starters, early in the relationship I made a mistake by still contacting other girls during the first month. I did that mostly out of fear of getting emotionally destroyed again like in past relationships, and also because I had heard stories about her being promiscuous (which turned out false). Part of me also wanted to avoid becoming too attached too quickly in case things ended badly, especially because my friends were giving me advice to “stay detached” so I wouldn’t destroy myself again. After I got to know her better, I stopped all of that completely, and that same night I told her I loved her. I want to point out that I never met those girls, never seriously pursued them, it was mostly minimal texting and emotional distancing behavior on my side just for them to stick along.
The first half year of the relationship was genuinely good. We got along well, she had her own vibe, she was alternative which I really liked. I also need to be honest with myself and admit that physically she isn’t fully my type, and that thought unfortunately stayed in my mind from the beginning after I first saw her properly in daylight. I consider myself attractive and I sometimes wish she would put more effort into herself or her appearance, even though I know that sounds shallow and douchy from me.
Things became complicated after I admitted through a conversation/story that I had been texting someone during the beginning of our relationship. She kind of already knew about it and earlier had told me that it wasn’t a huge deal because she herself also wasn’t fully attached in that period, so yeah I didnt know what I put myself into that night, when it came up again months later, it turned into a huge emotional night with yelling, insults, crying etc. saying things like I was born as mistake. During that conversation she also admitted she had been texting some guy too, one I had even noticed before and asked her to stop talking to. We exchanged phones and looked through chats. Mine looked worse because I showed slightly more interest, while hers was more passive, though she knew he liked her. After all the intensity of that night, I think that's where resentment quietly started building inside me.
What makes this difficult is that when things are okay between us, they are REALLY okay. We have unique nicknames, moments, emotional closeness, and we are very emotionally open with each other. I can cry in front of her without shame and she nurtures me well emotionally. But at the same time, I feel like I don’t naturally look at her with the same admiration she has for me, and I think resentment plays a role there.
I also feel exhausted by certain dynamics in the relationship. Sometimes I feel there are double standards emotionally where I feel pressure to regulate myself calmly during situations where she reacts much more intensely. Jealousy situations especially became draining because even when I tried to do everything right (taking it to extreme of not saying hello to a human being), there would still be passive aggressive behavior afterward. I also started feeling like I was trying too hard to become “perfect” for her because I genuinely believed she deserved the best possible boyfriend. Whenever she wanted me to change something, I would change it almost instantly, to the point where I started feeling like I was slowly losing myself. There was a lot of micromanaging too: my tone, the way I phrase things, how I speak, etc., and after a while I became exhausted from constantly self-monitoring.
At the same time, if I suggested small things about her appearance like nails or clothes I think would suit her she often interpreted it as me trying to change her. She also changed a lot stylistically compared to when we first met, to the point where I genuinely feel like if I met her today I maybe wouldn’t initially approach her romantically. Another example is cats: she loves cats deeply, but I’m allergic. At one point I agreed to possibly do immunotherapy for allergies because it mattered so much to her, but later I started questioning whether I was agreeing to things too automatically just to avoid disappointing her. When I hesitated later, she got quietly hurt, passive aggressive in that soft sad way that makes me feel guilty saying (you just said that to get laid)
Today we had another passive aggressive argument connected to appearance. I indirectly tried to say that I missed some parts of her old style because I thought it suited her beautifully, but she interpreted it as me wanting to reshape her. I immediately realized I communicated it badly and reassured her that I loved her as she is, and things calmed down for a bit, she didnt show aggressive behavior during that argumentsaying that everythingis okay dont worry. Then the cats/immunotherapy topic came back again and the same feelings of pressure and resentment resurfaced in me. Later after few hours she became distant/passive aggressive again because she remembered the earlier comment. Situations like this have been happening for over a year now and it honestly feels soul-draining sometimes.
Another difficult thing is that when I ask for patience or change regarding things that hurt me, I often feel disappointed because those things stay unresolved for a long time while I feel expected to adapt quickly myself giving excuses like "I'm working on it give me time" . There were also moments where she could be unintentionally mean or dismissive while I was trying to help, boundary situations with other men that made me uncomfortable ( she has problems with conflictand saying no), and moments where she seemed more accommodating toward others socially than toward me.
I also need to be honest and admit that lately I fantasize about being in a different relationship sometimes. I secretly notice other girls and feel sad thinking I could maybe be with someone prettier or more compatible. I actively try to fight these thoughts because they make me feel horrible and guilty, but they keep returning, it really crushes me inside.
The problem is also that we barely truly DO things together anymore. We don’t really watch movies together fully, we watch them 1/3 and then quit it, I tols her it mattered to me thay we watch movies fully because I dont want to continue watching on my own without her, we don’t share many interests, conversations about topics I enjoy often become tense because she’s sensitive to certain things, we never finished projects together (even a small painting I bought 7+ months ago), we don’t travel or plan things together much. Sometimes it feels like the relationship mostly became emotional intensity + sex, and even sex lately has been fading because emotionally I feel so heavy.
To be honest I find myself sometime bulling her for her looks or her personality, It comes of as funny and humorous from me but it bothers her, also kinda disappointing me that she can't be more like "brother" like, also that bulling has in its down layer a disappointment for not being compatible with me in such ways. I want to point out that she says she loves me the way I am looks and personality and that nothing could change that, which comes so mature from her and I really appreciate her for that I know she is right in that way of thinking so I don't know whats wrong with me
I have considered breaking up many times, but every time I stop myself because I think of good memories, maybe this is just a phase, maybe I would regret it forever because she genuinely IS a good person.
Another huge complication is that she lives two floors above me in student residence. I helped her get into this dorm by doing all kinds of shitty favors/jobs for staff so they would consider it, and she paid around 400$ to move here. I also helped her find a dorm job so she could pay it off. I imagined we would spend lots of time together because we’d be so physically close, but instead both of us became overwhelmed with university/work and now sometimes we barely see each other for days even though we live in the same building. Sometimes I honestly feel more relaxed talking with coworkers than spending time together because I’m scared of tension, arguments, emotional regulation of myself from her etc.
If I ever decided to end things, I would probably wait until December because I would feel terrible if she spent all that money partly because of me and then had to stay here under painful circumstances. Also the dorm location genuinely helps her academically because her university is nearby instead of her commuting 70+ miles so yeah I helped her no doubt.
The biggest issue of all is that I genuinely care about her deeply as a human being. Even if not romantically forever, I care about her wellbeing. I know a breakup would devastate her emotionally. She told me multiple times that if we ever broke up I could still contact her anytime because she sees so much good in me. That was a moment where both of us emotionally spiraled badly and had really dark thoughts because the relationship became overwhelming in that exactmoment. I always tried calming things down and reassuring her sqying its nothing its okay she isnt a weight on me (even though my skin crawled from inside).
She recently started self harming again and smoking weed secretly even though she knew it would emotionally affect me because I’ve spent 3.5 years battling my own addictions/demons and staying sober partly for myself and partly because I didn’t want to hurt her. When I found out she hid that from me it shook me badly. And that also built resentment.
I’m scared that if we break up she could start drinking heavily, abusing substances more, possibly fail university or emotionally collapse, and I genuinely don’t know if I could live with feeling partially responsible for someone I once loved so deeply hurting themselves that much qnd ruining her life. She says she would survive, but I know it would affect her enormously.
Also in 2 days we are supposed to travel together and walk 50+ miles to church because it’s our yearly custom. It’s very important to her, but honestly with all of this emotional heaviness and my exams right after, I really don’t want to go. But I also feel guilty not going because it matters so much to her (do you see the pattern with resentment of injustice?).
I really don’t know what to do anymore. Objectively many things about her and our relationship are “good.” Her parents accept me, she has many beautiful qualities, she genuinely loves me, and I know trauma plays a role in some of these dynamics. But something still feels deeply wrong and I can’t fully explain it.
It’s 4am while I’m writing this and this is honestly the first time I’ve truly asked anyone outside for perspective because we kind of had an unspoken rule of keeping relationship problems private from family/friends, and carrying all of this alone became really heavy for me.
TL;DR: My relationship has a lot of love, attachment and emotional closeness, but also resentment, exhaustion, incompatibility and emotional strain, and I genuinely don’t know whether to keep trying or accept that something important between us may no longer be working.